Work: Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm...

By Help - 16/09/2011 16:20 - Australia

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 988

You deserved it 2 034

Work

Dysfunctional

Good kid

The Good Life

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I went to visit teachers at the high school I graduated from 3 months ago as valedictorian. Turns out, I had an expired parking permit, and I didn't properly get a visitor pass. The school went into a "yellow lockdown" because of me. My car was towed. I got arrested for trespassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 289

You deserved it 8 970

By Johnny - 19/12/2012 23:33 - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 368

You deserved it 8 685

By Gross - 21/07/2013 23:20 - United States - Houston

Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 802

You deserved it 3 916

By Skido - 20/02/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, I was watching a documentary on The World's Fattest Man. Half way through the show the reported started talking about his girlfriend. The Fattest Man in the world has a girlfriend. I'm 21 an have never had a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 421

You deserved it 9 009

By Jenny - 28/12/2017 15:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 849

You deserved it 1 613

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 16:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was feeling pretty cute in a black dress. Apparently, that makes me "emo" and an "online dater". FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 66

By Allabouttheporn - 22/12/2016 00:05

Today, at dinner, I was talking to my parents about a movie quote. I couldn't remember what movie it was from. Then I remembered. It was a porno. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 932

You deserved it 3 260

Cash dispenser

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 20:08

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 851

You deserved it 171

By Nanda - 14/06/2016 06:03 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boss hired a new meat cutter because our old one stopped showing up for work. After he put the smock on, I told him what needed to be done. Without saying a word, he walks over to my boss, hands him his smock and says, "I quit." Guess I'm on my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 359

You deserved it 1 137

By cargaljen - 07/08/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 098

You deserved it 5 035

By dazed and confused - 17/12/2013 01:50 - United States - Tampa

Today, I got kicked out of my band by the guy who quit two weeks ago. The bad part? Everyone else agreed with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 713

You deserved it 4 314

By anon - 28/09/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 927

You deserved it 2 711

By yeueid - 31/03/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 446

You deserved it 1 722

What a headache

By heckinfrick - 08/10/2020 08:01

Today, it was the day of the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for for eight months. I woke up with a fever and had to reschedule. The next appointment is next year. Guess I have to put up with my daily migraines until 2021. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 217

You deserved it 225

By MathTeacher - 02/05/2011 14:30 - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 025

You deserved it 46 020

By shit - 14/12/2010 09:26 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 483

You deserved it 31 256

By Anonymous - 19/01/2012 14:17 - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 022

You deserved it 32 939

By Andrea Trevor - 30/04/2018 01:30

Today, I woke up at 5am to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 054

You deserved it 608

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 04:16 - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 611

You deserved it 4 007

By Ellowise - 24/12/2009 10:06 - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 654

You deserved it 47 053

By idislikeblanks - 30/01/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 797

You deserved it 4 096

By Acidic Donut - 30/06/2013 23:48 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I hid my parents' booze since I'd always thought their shitty behavior was due to drinking too much. Turns out they're just assholes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 624

You deserved it 8 925

By Anonymous - 20/05/2013 20:36 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband making out with his accountant, the same woman who comforted me when he cheated on me the year before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 864

You deserved it 19 564

By AshamedDaughter - 17/08/2011 07:14 - Canada

Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 469

You deserved it 3 752

By toastedguy - 01/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 567

You deserved it 13 120

By how many?! - 22/08/2019 00:01

Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 079

You deserved it 148

By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 021

You deserved it 193

By TheNewSalesRep - 21/01/2016 02:37 - Canada - Brantford

Today, on my second day at my new job, my supervisor told me that I was ready to make a sale on my own. Things were going well, until said supervisor interrupted my sales pitch, apologized on my behalf for being new, and stole my sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 345

You deserved it 1 352

Fuck this pandemic

By Anonymous - 07/02/2021 11:01 - Canada - Mirabel

Today, working from home and to escape my own toddler, I moved my work area into the bedroom. Perfect timing for the neighbor's toddler to scream at the top of his lungs. All day long, underneath my bedroom. I just wanted some peace and quiet to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 023

You deserved it 10 103

By foreseeingabreakup - 06/09/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 177

You deserved it 6 989

Healthy relationship

By scared - 24/06/2020 23:02

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 2 355

By single - 10/11/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 325

You deserved it 7 595

By Rachal - 30/01/2012 01:27 - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 720

You deserved it 10 878

By Anonymous - 20/07/2013 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 515

You deserved it 3 958

By whitedevil - 09/10/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 148

You deserved it 49 791

Makes sense

By lovegame - 28/06/2014 15:48 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 887

You deserved it 26 831

By allennn - 14/03/2010 14:56 - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 902

You deserved it 38 444

By idgit42 - 27/07/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I didn't realize until I was home that I'd thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 699

You deserved it 30 287

By Anon - 08/11/2010 18:34 - Singapore

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 962

You deserved it 4 170

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Top comments

nicole2246 8

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

Haha Yes! :) You Better Hope That "Cums" Out Easy!

MeeshaMeeshaPup 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:16

your face and comment freaks me out. mostly your face.

jillianmathers12 13

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:48

That's gross! Hope you didn't get it on you!

margie2194 12

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:53

Someone had a quickie on the fax machine. Mmmm. Kinky. (admit it you got turned on)

Streeet_hayley 6

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:54

Free condom?

hockey199813 5

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:54

I did not

ikickgingers 15

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:05

I used to fill condoms with vanilla milkshake and put them on people's cars.

Streeet_hayley 6

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:07

Something against chocolate?^

DioxideSpartan 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:08

No but since when do people cum brown?

MrSarcasm 4

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:11

Who said it was cum?

KiddNYC1O 20

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:16

I'm pretty sure the vanilla milkshake was supposed to imitate cum...

Streeet_hayley 6

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:19

Sorry, I wasnt really paying attention to the joke

MrSarcasm 4

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:20

I meant who said the CHOCOLATE milkshake was meant to be cum.

zombicidal 11

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:33

practice safe fax

enonymous 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:37

Cyber sex just went old school

ohxdamnxkay02 12

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:45

safe sex is great sex. (:

tjv3 10

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Saturday 17 September 2011 1:36

Duse that sucks I feel bad for you. you should have told them that it was a bio-hazard and they needed to call in a medical waste disposal team or buy a new fax machine . or tell then to get a scanner and email lol

ripgeorgecarl1n 7

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Saturday 17 September 2011 2:46

"Damnit! There's a condom in the fax machine!" "Shit, not again! I'll call the maintenance guy."

FarSide 22

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Saturday 17 September 2011 3:55

Try and look on the bright side. It could have been a used tampon.

tarabelle 7

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:49

Eww

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:01

Some people are very odd.

Zeek63 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:24

There is nothing wrong with lubricating the belts. I bet the fax machine enjoyed it!

flockz 19

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:51

im sure the fax machine loved getting its paper jammed.

Daralea 21

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Monday 19 September 2011 17:32

I've been staring at my fax machine for nearly 10 minutes trying to figure out how it would get in there. My most feasible answer is through the auto paper feeder on the top or in the tray. Both involve pinching and a lot of potential paper-cuts ...doing it in the office doesn't sound that sexy anymore.

sensfan7 3

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Wednesday 21 September 2011 6:19

You're cute

pllamah 9

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:49

That is an odd place to find that.

ihavenosoul 4

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:56

Really? I thought it was normal... Oops.

je_suis_fml 11

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Saturday 17 September 2011 2:14

your hairs is an odd color.. so you and the fax machine are now even..

nolarboot 10

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Sunday 18 September 2011 19:18

The guy was probably trying to have sex with someone in another office...

palahniukpaul 6

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

Yummm :)

MeeshaMeeshaPup 8

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:16

your face and comment freaks me out. mostly your face.

IPoopedOnU 12

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 17:09

Same! Looks like a petifile!

nicole2246 8

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:50

Haha Yes! :) You Better Hope That "Cums" Out Easy!

olpally 32

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:41

Solid joke^

ipodlover1995 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 1:04

It was more sticky & liquid than solid...

aznpiboy24 5

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Saturday 17 September 2011 1:17

^ Moment killer.

olpally 32

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Saturday 17 September 2011 1:20

50- read my comment again... I can't teach common sense so I'll just let u fail hard on this one...

ipodlover1995 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 9:10

Sarcasm, my friend, sarcasm.

olpally 32

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Saturday 17 September 2011 15:15

Failed attempt at sarcasm then... That's for sure...

cannibletaco 6

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Saturday 17 September 2011 20:28

82- Every comment that you fail on, that I have seen, has been "sarcastic". Sarcasm is not the answer for everything.

ipodlover1995 0

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Sunday 18 September 2011 0:25

Ok I didn't mean to piss eveyone off. I'm legitimately sorry.

Nosrebor 8

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Sunday 18 September 2011 0:33

'Cum'on ipodlover....

Brooke57 8

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:53

Lovely :/

jillianmathers12 13

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:55

Why would she be wearing gloves for fixing a machine?

xOashleymarie 0

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:55

Pull it out quickly, or else there'll be problems later.

MrSarcasm 4

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:15

That's what she said.

Streeet_hayley 6

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:17

Sorry I was a little slow catching on..

MrSarcasm 4

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:17

Hehehe.

xOashleymarie 0

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Saturday 17 September 2011 0:34

#25, exactly.

GoodLookingGeese 10

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:56

Once, employes at my company blew up a printer with a ruler, yeah a ruler!!? No one wanted even to say a sorry. I had to buy a new one.

je_suis_fml 11

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Saturday 17 September 2011 2:21

hate to say it, but... cool story, bro..

GoodLookingGeese 10

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Sunday 18 September 2011 22:22

thanks, at least you understood my pain.

BrianAlarcon 0

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Friday 16 September 2011 23:57

That's a sticky situation...

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 390

You deserved it 98

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 35

Assumptions

Cash dispenser

What a headache

Fuck this pandemic

Healthy relationship

Makes sense

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