Work: Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I... - FML

By arthur - 19/11/2011 08:40 - New Zealand

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 739

You deserved it 2 616

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Size zero

Grateful

Hiya!

By Anonymous - 25/08/2009 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat!" I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 825

You deserved it 40 628

By Anonymous - 27/04/2017 04:00

Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed man. He reached into his pocket and handed me records that "prove" he never cheated on me. Oh, and the man next to him? His lawyer, who gave me a summons to court over payment for the items I smashed when I dumped him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 872

You deserved it 9 993

By Anonymous - 09/11/2014 08:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 886

You deserved it 3 849

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 377

You deserved it 8 809

By Anonymous - 26/03/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 3 966

By Aberrombie Blue - 18/04/2013 23:01 - United States - Durham

Today, I was at my little girl's concert. She plays the clarinet, and in the middle of her solo, her phone started ringing. She decided to stop, check her phone, and continue playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 14 092

My lovely horse

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 08:01

Today, after we managed to find a horse that was completely healthy and problem-free, we took her home. Now she keeps getting thinner because she's stressed and scared. Of what? Of having too much space to move around in, and occasionally seeing deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 100

By BritishDates - 22/08/2018 13:00

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 735

You deserved it 358

Problematic language

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 05:01

Today, at my new retail job, I accidentally referred to white tank tops as, "Wife beaters." That's what I thought they were actually called, until my boss had to correct me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 358

By Not a day over 35 - 18/06/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 575

You deserved it 5 810

By MouseChaser - 26/11/2009 09:22 - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 945

You deserved it 28 245

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 23/02/2020 01:00

Today, after suffering with anxiety and insomnia for a nearly a year and exhausting every natural remedy I could think of, I finally went to go to a doctor for help. Instead of writing me a prescription, he told me to drink more tea and think happy thoughts. I had to pay out of pocket for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 981

You deserved it 214

By mbesameh - 11/06/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 662

You deserved it 6 235

By sadgf - 29/03/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were snuggling on bed watching tv. He gets up at one point and turns the light off and I asked him why. He said "You look better in the dark". FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 837

You deserved it 6 020

By Username - 07/07/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 416

You deserved it 4 436

By I hate retail - 27/11/2015 02:26 - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 393

You deserved it 3 212

By Anonymous - 15/09/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 990

You deserved it 4 352

By brando2k5 - 06/12/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 842

You deserved it 5 744

By anon - 17/12/2015 18:45

Today, I had to explain to someone in my class who Gandhi really was and that he was not a fictional goblin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 587

You deserved it 1 630

By James - 12/08/2011 07:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 446

You deserved it 3 095

By fuck the man-dominated construction business - 19/06/2013 16:18 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 724

You deserved it 17 927

By thatsmejl - 15/09/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 102

You deserved it 3 936

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 04:41 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's for the third time in a week for a huge growth under my jaw. I have seen an urgent care doctor, an emergency room doctor and an ear, nose and throat specialist who all gave me different diagnoses. I've so far spent $300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 334

You deserved it 2 953

By ohno - 14/09/2010 23:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 471

You deserved it 3 205

By Sardine - 18/12/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 432

You deserved it 32 904

By anonymous - 03/08/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 414

You deserved it 5 025

By foo - 01/02/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 043

You deserved it 24 816

By bonzo - 22/06/2015 14:41 - Australia - Perth

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 792

You deserved it 2 674

By Parade - 28/02/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 830

You deserved it 3 111

By Ian - 18/04/2009 14:24 - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 407

You deserved it 6 428

By musicyman55 - 19/12/2009 07:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend who I love very deeply dumped me two times, over the phone. The first time was to dump me. She then called me back a couple hours later explicitly to dump our friendship. I was just friend dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 588

You deserved it 3 037

By egged - 01/10/2009 06:43 - Singapore

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 076

You deserved it 2 248

Judge not lest ye be judged

By DV. - 27/02/2021 23:01 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my girlfriend and I, who are both heavy set, went into the pharmacy and asked if they sold any over the counter antidiarrhetic medicine. The store clerk, eyeing us up and down, said, “Uh, sorry, we don’t have antidiabetic medicine.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 263

By HttpsHaileyy - 15/06/2015 20:02 - United States

Today, I insulted my younger sister's hamster. She then smashed me with a stool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 736

You deserved it 9 563

By sheryl_m - 09/04/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 056

You deserved it 4 527

The sleepwalkers are at it again!

By sierra - 11/03/2021 02:02

Today, my mom told me she’d never forgive me for eating her birthday candy. I ate it in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 277

Artistic licence

By Anonymous - 16/04/2020 14:00

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 670

Daydream believer

By Anonymous - 14/02/2021 17:01

Today, I apparently fell asleep during a work Zoom meeting. I awoke to no meeting on my screen and an e-mail from my boss saying I was terminated, and to do something about my "sleep apnea." FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 869

By michelle - 15/11/2015 15:21 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 318

You deserved it 2 837

By hanmart - 15/11/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 372

You deserved it 2 621

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:47

Boss "Why aren't you at work?" OP "Ummm.....because I work real hard you gave me a pay raise and told me to take 4 weeks off, paid of course, as a bonus." *OP walking out of workplace totally unnoticed by boss standing out door* Boss "Sounds like me. Good job. See you in a month" Have fun OP.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:28

*facepalm*

Comments

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:20

Wow, maybe you are a ghost!

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:28

*facepalm*

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:32

OH SHIT. I mean that totally makes sense.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:32

OH SHIT. I mean that totally makes sense.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:34

Why did it post twice D:?

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:48

LMFAO. Oh my gosh..

amanda_say_whutt 9

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Sunday 20 November 2011 6:50

Ghosts have phones and jobs ?

sunsetsbetween56 3

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:21

Why was this approved, it isn't much of an FML...

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:27

I've moderated so many better ones than this...

sunsetsbetween56 3

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:46

Sorry FML team I forgot stupidity gets moderated

sunsetsbetween56 3

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:46

Sorry FML team I forgot stupidity gets moderated

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:21

Sometime u just need to shout. People are just too engrossed with their work.

JenDanielle917 13

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:21

She's a dumbass.

thisisafunnyname 12

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:44

It doesnt make her a dumbass, she probably didnt realize who she said hi to, or just forgot.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 23:18

Maybe she just doesn't care enough to remember him, poor OP. Work harder or something.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:21

Memory fail.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 20:49

Simply tell her, "hey i said hello when i came in. Or do you want me to fuck you every time i walk in through that door,bitch???"

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:25

Time Warp! Or maybe wrong number. The guy below your name didn't show. Mixed the numbers up.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:25

Try standing out! Life is to short for you to be boring and unnoticed.

JustinComments 3

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Saturday 19 November 2011 17:31

She's just going to work, not a club.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 22:58

Well I obviously didn't mean by dressing sleazy or making a fool of yourself! I understand its her job, you should still attempt to stand out. How else would you ever get promoted if you always went unnoticed. Try thinking outside the box. You can stand out with a strong positive personality too.

amandalillian 27

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Sunday 17 June 2012 0:23

I know what you mean #44, It's about talking to the boss and getting recognised, coming up with ideas. Unfortunately these days hard work alone is not enough to get you a promotion. You have to go the extra mile to make sure the boss see's your hard work

every1luvsboners 11

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:26

Cunt punch her every morning when you get to work from now on.

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:26

Though it may be an embarrassing moment for her right now, I'm sure she'll have forgotten all about by the afternoon

omfg_creepers 8

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Saturday 19 November 2011 16:29

Hi Casper!

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 6

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 298

You deserved it 799

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 1 043