Intimacy: Unwanted guest

Unwanted guest

By MMM - 21/01/2014 23:26 - United States - Saco

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 405

You deserved it 11 426

Intimacy

Vulture

Compromises

Get your vaccinations if you can

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 01/03/2020 18:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 98

Misinformation

By Andrea - 04/01/2021 16:59

Today, my brother-in-law declared he does not want to be vaccinated against Covid, because his friend, who is a nurse, told him it could make him impotent. Can please someone remove her from the health system? FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 144

By Pixie - 15/02/2017 03:00 - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 810

You deserved it 509

By Anonymous - 26/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 161

You deserved it 96 999

By Habit - 19/10/2011 22:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 693

You deserved it 9 971

By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 17:30

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 211

By Tom - 26/06/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 769

You deserved it 6 873

By mster233 - 09/10/2010 03:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 248

You deserved it 5 791

By Anonymous - 05/04/2011 18:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just about to kiss. Until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door. I thought I was already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 695

You deserved it 5 264

By notmydad. - 08/05/2010 10:07 - Philippines

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 139

You deserved it 3 646

By JK710 - 23/06/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 163

You deserved it 11 400

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 472

You deserved it 5 264

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 06:26 - United States - New York

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me during a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 057

You deserved it 4 502

Nice try

By johnnycomehelpme - 14/11/2014 00:59 - United States - Skokie

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 943

You deserved it 3 778

By disappointed - 20/09/2013 16:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 905

You deserved it 6 084

By BejeweledJizz - 05/11/2016 12:29

Today, after weeks of being addicted to Bejeweled Blitz, I couldn't stop thinking about it while having sex with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 837

You deserved it 4 769

By PrettySureItsReal - 09/04/2015 19:38 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, a parent of one of the students I teach called me to complain that I was teaching her child "lies" and "fairytales". I was teaching them about the Holocaust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 980

You deserved it 2 209

Gone but not forgotten

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 18:01 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I received an email saying, "Thinking of you and hoping you are taking care." It was from the love of my life. We broke up 20 years ago. Previously, we had contact every 5+ years. It's just too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 115

By bigvic780 - 27/10/2017 01:30

Today, I fulfilled a lifelong dream by attending a Dallas Cowboys football game. Our sitter fell through at the last minute so I took my five-year-old son instead of my wife. We had to leave after the first quarter because he threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 470

You deserved it 769

By Rick - 14/03/2010 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 810

You deserved it 32 837

By Fox - 25/02/2013 03:41 - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 333

You deserved it 57 500

By suspended - 31/07/2016 15:39 - United States - Grand Blanc

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 950

You deserved it 2 057

Ignored

By Kim - 05/05/2021 04:01

Today, at work, I was waiting in line to pay my food at the cafeteria when I noticed the doctor who was in front of me had these really cool looking shoes on. I told him, "I like your shoes!" He turned over, looked at me and didn’t say anything back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 782

You deserved it 117

By 123roomielover - 26/01/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 467

You deserved it 3 728

By Anonymous - 06/06/2009 16:01 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend of 5 months runs a website where men can submit nude or semi nude pictures of their ex's for revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 781

You deserved it 5 606

By officeditz - 04/06/2015 01:59 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 424

You deserved it 5 661

By thesixth - 02/03/2016 18:53 - Kenya

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 979

You deserved it 7 176

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 06:10 - United States - Batesville

Today, I decided to change my hair color. After waiting in anticipation, I took a shower to rinse out the dye and reveal my new, blue hair. Rinsing revealed not only blue hair, but blue skin caused by the watered dye running over my body. I now look like a smurf, and it's not coming out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 419

You deserved it 42 518

By Anonymous - 14/03/2015 16:11 - United States - Janesville

Today, my instructor turned up late to get me for my driving test. I soon realized something was seriously wrong. Turned out his wife left him last night, and he'd been drinking the pain away all morning. He ended up rear-ending another car, and now I have to reschedule my test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 390

You deserved it 2 609

By lopez - 16/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 009

You deserved it 34 989

By Anonymous - 22/07/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 960

You deserved it 3 382

By shutup shutup shutup don't wanna hear it - 08/11/2016 00:43 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate told me that she was studying in the library. Turns out, she didn't feel like going to the library and just spent all afternoon studying in a friend's room because she didn't think I was capable of shutting up for long enough to get any work done. Our other friends agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 317

You deserved it 4 573

By uglychick - 05/09/2009 17:29 - Canada

Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 706

You deserved it 9 711

Bad day

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, 3 policemen interrogated me and asked for ID but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 135

You deserved it 5 789

By MexicanMe - 14/09/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 534

You deserved it 3 108

Plumbed out

By MariosNightmare - 18/12/2020 07:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, what should've been a five-minute job replacing a drain turned into a 2 hour ordeal just to remove the old one. The original part was put in incorrectly, so whoever did it used a full tube of silicone to make it watertight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 48

By Enrique - 07/02/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 921

You deserved it 4 989

By Jugan - 19/10/2012 21:44 - France - Vaulx-milieu

Today, I discovered a way to send a massive number of text messages to someone simultaneously, so I decided to do it to my friend as a prank. I quickly noticed that I forgot to disable the delivery notification feature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 427

You deserved it 39 226

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

By Whoishe? - 02/06/2021 06:00

Today, I realized my husband is a completely different person than when we married. It’s only been three and a half years since we eloped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 147

Blown job

By Noname - 12/03/2009 09:30 - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 858

You deserved it 338 866

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Top comments

doubledutchy 15

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:00

This is actually quite useful now that you know that OP. Now you can either make your mother go to crazy places, or better yet, have fun having sex in crazy places. Twist the negative side into something you can benefit from!

anonymous_kenie 7

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:03

Sounds like its time to start fooling your mother with spoofed text messages

kmartFTW 12

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 10:59

Talk about Mommy issues! Sheesh

doubledutchy 15

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:00

doubledutchy 15

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:09

Absolutely #6, I agree. There are for OP however, ingenious ways of circumnavigating the mother knowing what she does. We don't know what she is like of course

anonymous_kenie 7

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:03

Sounds like its time to start fooling your mother with spoofed text messages

illinoiscentral 16

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:06

Sounds like it's time to get the ol' communication with your mom going, and I don't mean telling her your hookup timetable in person.

KeeLady 20

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:07

It's going to happene eventually anyways! She can't "protect" you forever. My mom used to read my texts too until I found a more secretive way of communicating to someone I liked. You don't pry on her love life, so she should respect yours and if it's such a burden to her, perhaps confronting you would be a more honest approach.

TheMathMajor 26

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 20:28

I honestly don't understand parents that do that. It's a blatant invasion of privacy. Not only is it extremely disrespectful, but it's also sending a message to your kid that you don't trust them at all which is pretty hurtful and destructive if there's no good reason for it.

Saddyohh 13

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:10

I've found that if you answer the door naked people won't bother you.

annie_nk 22

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:29

I'll keep that in mind the next time Jehovah's Witnesses knock on my door.

SuckMeBeautifu1 24

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 12:19

I find answering the door in my undies and then posing works best for Jehovah's Witnesses, it really 'confuses' the female ones.

Saddyohh 13

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 12:20

But it has to be awkward naked. Like wide stance and polite manner. Definitely shake their hand or make an attempt. You have to act like you aren't naked.

SuckMeBeautifu1 24

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Thursday 23 January 2014 11:53

Oh yeah and I forgot, after you strike a good pose, immediately slam the door shut. Always leave them wanting more

Food2Abs 13

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Wednesday 12 March 2014 23:30

That's a good idea...

littlem91 29

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:15

Considering she has to drop by to ruin it, it sounds like you've moved out, so how and why does she still have access to your texts anyway?

SuckMeBeautifu1 24

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 12:16

I dont think hes moved out, i think his mum just went out but dropped back in at those specific times. Doesnt matter or make a difference anyway, either way its still very creepy and intrusive..

magiczebra 9

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 14:23

No I'm pretty sure OP is on his own. "Drop by" is very common term to visiting someone else's house. As for the texts, if OP has an iPhone and his mom knows his Apple ID info, she can read his texts thorough iMessage.

littlem91 29

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 20:32

Ah, didn't know you could see messages online with apple. Still, should have changed his password, this can't be the first time it's become apparent that mummy is a little bit controlling.

Honema 16

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:16

Next time she interrupts just act as if she isn't there

DjeePee 24

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 11:16

I always knew that my dad would spy on my phone, so I changed my boyfriend's name in my contact list to the name of my best female friend. Result: dad angry, because he thought I was a lesbian. Good ol' days. Anyway, password, OP.

SuckMeBeautifu1 24

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 12:39

Your dad harrassed you for being a lesbian? Thats a bit wrong isnt it..

smokecloud_ 37

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Wednesday 22 January 2014 20:01

Unfortunately there are still a lot of homophobes out there. Pretty sad. My family was tickled pink that I didn't turn out to be a lesbian. I was less than thrilled when they congratulated me on being straight.