Work: Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped...

By hannahj88 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

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Work

Mother of the year

Triage

Taking stock

By feelinblue - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Shameful - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By heartsick - United States

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

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By FMyJob - Australia - Ashfield

Today, despite having my 5-day-leave approved 2 months ago, my boss demanded I return to work in the middle of it. Why? She wants to go on a vacation and no one else is available at such short notice. FML

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By unfortunate - United States

Today, my father informed me that I was born only because my mom lied about being on birth control. FML

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By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

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By piliseep

Booze confused

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 20:01

Shark-infested offices

Today, I attended my father’s funeral. I have the week off work, and one of my colleagues is using this time to make a play for my job. I’m not supposed to be checking emails, so I can’t call them out on it until I get back, by which time it may be too late. FML

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By MySummerinEurope - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By One Angry Vegan

Today, marks 2 weeks since I got Oral Allergy Syndrome, a.k.a. randomly becoming allergic to apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, grapes, mangos, carrots, celery, beets, sunflower seeds, fennel, my toothpaste, and more things I just haven't tried yet. I'm vegan. FML

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By Help

Today, it's the 11th day of my migraine. I've drunk enough water to piss crystal clear, eaten every type of food there is, slept for days, and tried every remedy in my medicine cabinet. Nothing made a dent in the splitting pain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By killjoyx - United States - Suffolk

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

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By ronniewciv

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

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By fs - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

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By whatthefuck - United States - Providence

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By heya - Australia - Sydney

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

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By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

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By MadMax - United States

Today, my friend awoke me because I was talking in my sleep. When I asked her what I was talking about she replied with, "Let's just say you were having tea with the Queen of England. And a duck. You're really good at quacking." FML

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By frustrated - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

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By gbhlaughingstock - United States

Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

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By noodle - United States

Today, my study partner for my biology class didn't go to lecture. Not once has he gone to lecture. I went to almost every lecture. He got better grades than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lihue

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the gas company had to be called into work for a possible gas leak. The pipes are fine. I had White Castle for dinner last night. I'm the gas leak. FML

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By Kirta - Canada

Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML

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By mylifesuckssss - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

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By Salvation711 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2020 16:58 - Germany - Ebersbach

Stealth attack

Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML

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By NotSarahConnor - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

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By tryingatkins - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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By missmycomp - Singapore

Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

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By kbeavv - United States

Today, I read my mom's Facebook status. It said, "So sick of kids, can't wait for Vegas this week!" My dad, along with 12 others, liked it. I didn't even know she was going to Vegas. FML

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By phatkroger10 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

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By happydoctor123

Today, I took an Uber from work to my friend's home. My water bottle, which was in my backpack in the back seat, leaked and left a little water on his fabric seat. I got an $80 "professional cleaning" bill from Uber. FML

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Top comments

By Zebidee | 8

#1556036 - Saturday 16 October 2010 13:25

Them: "OMG! You have a swastika branded into your face!!"
You: "Yeah, I got it years ago when I was in charge of the ovens."
Them: *looks horrified* *runs away*
You: "No! You don't understand! I was working in a bakery!!!"
You: "FML."

By FFML_314 | 11

#1555769 - Saturday 16 October 2010 12:05

Swastika shaped pie racks. Sounds like a very family oriented place.

COMMENTS

By suppressed08 | 2

#1555749 - Saturday 16 October 2010 12:03

lol^^ go team Adolf!

EightInchNails | 9

#1555760 - Saturday 16 October 2010 12:03

No.

suppressed08 | 2

#1555763 - Saturday 16 October 2010 12:05

You know, like Teams Jacob and Edward?

Maybe not the best team, but I only had a Swastika to work with.

Cjw1220 | 0

#1556423 - Saturday 16 October 2010 15:37

It actually is pretty good. Fuck vampires, fuck werewolves, go mass murderers!

PixiiLuv | 0

#1556519 - Saturday 16 October 2010 15:59

WTF!!! this better be a joke

jocelyng_fml | 0

#1556727 - Saturday 16 October 2010 16:22

when #1 said it I'm like whatever but when 32 said it I laughed :)

pablothepenguin | 2

#1557101 - Saturday 16 October 2010 17:35

YAYYYYY HITLER!!!

fuzzywazzy012 | 0

#1557656 - Saturday 16 October 2010 19:44

Word

corytheboss | 0

#1557810 - Saturday 16 October 2010 20:02

hello dere!

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1557925 - Saturday 16 October 2010 20:22

Well you know what that means OP! You must be the reincarnate.

Person000 | 0

#1558249 - Saturday 16 October 2010 22:07

_________
|. _____|#-- @(- _ -)@
|. _|. |
|__|

SAMHAlN | 0

#1559336 - Sunday 17 October 2010 4:46

Stalin owned hitler and everyone knows it. I'm team Stalin he killed more people.

yourlifesfucked | 0

#1560154 - Sunday 17 October 2010 9:47

Team Pol Pot?

psyco5000 | 0

#1580506 - Thursday 21 October 2010 9:23

nice.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1555769 - Saturday 16 October 2010 12:05

Swastika shaped pie racks. Sounds like a very family oriented place.

nekocuppycakes | 0

#1556116 - Saturday 16 October 2010 14:05

haha yeah! WHAT ELSE IS IN THE OVEN!?

crashtest1205 | 0

#1556144 - Saturday 16 October 2010 14:14

HAHAHA , good one :)

zoraman5 | 3

#1556371 - Saturday 16 October 2010 15:26

I lol'd :D

blankaex | 0

#1557114 - Saturday 16 October 2010 17:38

Actually, I think the swastika burn mark came from a pie. You know how they put those extra strips of pastry on top of a pie so they know the filling?