Love: Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was... - FML

By StayPositive - 03/11/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 404

You deserved it 9 564

Leave us alone

There's no helping some people

Sorry…

Double standards

By Anonymous - 21/02/2013 18:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 587

You deserved it 2 660

By redriver - 18/06/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 428

You deserved it 292

By Rainydaze - 10/11/2017 20:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, the guy I hooked up with last summer who was "going through a divorce" welcomed his new baby with his loving wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 113

You deserved it 1 830

By manutdlol - 13/12/2009 06:15 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 432

You deserved it 6 456

By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/04/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 287

You deserved it 2 775

By Agathus - 10/11/2011 14:35 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 324

You deserved it 3 298

By Vince - 09/12/2011 19:38 - Canada

Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 994

You deserved it 3 213

By PaneraSucks - 19/02/2014 06:24 - United States - Londonderry

Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 124

You deserved it 4 274

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 04:31 - United States - Havertown

Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 406

You deserved it 1 493

By Coyote - 06/07/2019 18:00

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 162

Tumbleweed

By Anonymous - 14/08/2021 06:00 - Germany

Today, my mom was proud for making a positive change in her life. The change in question? She now throws away the smelly hair she combs out of the dog, instead of keeping it for unspecified later use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 43

Socialite

By Jason - 22/11/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I was finally able to hang out with a girl I really liked at a party. We had a great time and spent hours together. When I leaned in for a kiss at the end of the night, she stopped me and said , "You're a great guy, but we can't go out because you'd be bad for my social reputation." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 064

You deserved it 3 819

Baked

By Anonymous - 07/06/2020 05:05

Today, I was supposed to have my first job interview for a bakery franchise. Turns out all the applications are submitted to every store, and I was called to the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 327

You deserved it 102

By dating a fking cnt - 10/11/2012 00:16 - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 672

You deserved it 3 287

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 04:04

Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 817

By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 23:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 271

You deserved it 4 884

By mammasboy - 21/05/2013 18:30 - United States - Springfield

Today, my mom scolded me and threatened to ground me for coming home past midnight. Normally, it wouldn't be unreasonable, except for the fact that I'm 24 years old, and that my parents live with me, in my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 839

You deserved it 5 346

By gabe8 - 15/06/2009 05:42 - Mexico

Today, after buying the plane ticket to Glendale, CA to visit 17 year old Courtney who I met on a dating website, she called me for the first time to say that she was actually 19 year old Seth from Atlanta, GA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 382

You deserved it 96 093

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 00:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 301

You deserved it 9 997

The age-old story

By Anonymous - 11/06/2020 02:01

Today, the girl I’ve been crushing over for so long told me that I’m a great guy and a catch, but then went on to tell me all about the other guy she’s been sleeping with. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 334

You deserved it 211

By CaeliLady - 13/09/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my friend and I were at the mall and saw a "Grow Your Own Boyfriend" toy. I remarked that I already had one of those, and she freaked out, very loudly and openly, about me "finally having a boyfriend". I had to embarrassingly explain I meant I had the toy... not an actual boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 950

You deserved it 6 353

By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

Spicy

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 561

You deserved it 5 872

By skreweduP - 15/06/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 196

You deserved it 3 767

Net!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 061

You deserved it 2 808

By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 05:49 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, my sister got me in deep trouble at the store I worked security for. She "dropped by to say hi" and stole a bunch of things when I wasn't looking. I wasn't arrested, due to lack of any evidence. But my boss didn't care about evidence and fired me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 651

You deserved it 2 020

By Anonymous - 28/04/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 316

You deserved it 13 491

By Jackey - 05/06/2019 12:00

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 991

By jennlikewhoa - 18/07/2011 10:07 - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 807

You deserved it 4 521

By liz - 21/06/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went shopping at a thrift store. I found a really cute top that fit me perfectly, so I bought it. Afterwards, I noticed the original tag was still on it. It read: "designed with your pregnancy in mind". It was a maternity top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 126

You deserved it 15 146

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 11:33 - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 569

You deserved it 8 909

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 12:53 - United States

Today, I woke up after taking a sleep pill for the first time. I started in on a number of chores including paying bills when I noticed a new charge on my online credit card bill from 1am. I bought $120 worth of meat from an infomercial. It's non-refundable. I'm vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 045

You deserved it 12 112

All for nothing

By Depressed - 14/07/2020 20:01

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 654

You deserved it 306

By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 266

You deserved it 5 118

By Username - 27/01/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 765

You deserved it 8 947

Best gift ever

By Anonymous - 16/09/2020 22:01 - Australia - Traralgon

Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 193

By Anonymous - 03/03/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 962

You deserved it 5 433

Landlords…

By more depressed than ever - 02/10/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I got a housekeeping warning from my landlord. After struggling with multiple serious health issues, I’ve also been dealing with a horrible case of depression as a result. When I tried to explain this to the manager, she decided to get the county involved and try to have me committed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 16/04/2016 07:16 - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 707

You deserved it 1 650

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I bought a brand new huge leather recliner. After laying down and watching football for some time, I sit up and hear a loud shatter. My iPhone was crushed by the mechanics of the chair after it slipped out of my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 863

You deserved it 8 449

By Anonymous - 12/02/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 242

You deserved it 4 734

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Top comments

therevolution 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:06

sounds like a hot mess

princesslayha 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 15:49

yea and if you ever say that to a girl you won't get any sex cooking or cleaning ^

Comments

therevolution 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:06

sounds like a hot mess

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:11

Looks like the OP *puts on glasses* Couldnt handle the heat and therefore should get out of the kitchen YEAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

triple_double 1

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:12

This is hard to believe that someones first reaction would be to take the frying pan, square up to you, look at you, have a cup of tea together, and then aim it right at your neck. yay.

triple_double 1

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:14

did i say neck? head... whatever it's late and apparently there's anti flood protection for comments

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 11:28

5 nice one lol

Shivermeshamrock 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:23

@5 I guess you could say... *puts on sunglasses* Random CSI reference. YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 21:07

OOOOOOOOOH BURN

z620 0

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Thursday 4 November 2010 3:52

that's hot...

sexyschmergel 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:08

wtf

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:31

o yes OP u got laid by a pan

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:45

lo

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 11:54

l

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 18:32

2 = Attention whore.

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Thursday 4 November 2010 1:02

2 = nice tits

oh_wow_why_me 0

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Friday 5 November 2010 4:15

you have a beautiful... face

PiiMPiiN_DA_H03Z 0

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Thursday 11 November 2010 6:52

2= just like everyone else

Currentlyonfire 4

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:08

serves you right for trying to get into some kitchen sex. keep your sausage in your pants before she cooks it fool.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 11:27

atleast she's in the kitchen

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:22

Right where she belongs

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 15:44

I Told that Bitch To Make Me A Sandwich

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Thursday 4 November 2010 11:23

41 eff off

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:09

dumbshit -___-

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:14

haha she was in the kitchen doin her job shoulda left her alone

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 11:51

hey girls jobs are not just in the kitchen yer we cook but that is not what we are here for,,

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 13:03

liar it's all your needed for sex cooking and cleaning ;)

princesslayha 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 15:49

yea and if you ever say that to a girl you won't get any sex cooking or cleaning ^

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 17:35

no..it's definitely where you women folk belong.

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Thursday 4 November 2010 11:21

38 and 51 if you keep saying that then you will be alone with a messy house, empty belly and a virgin

borkchop1992 15

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Friday 18 March 2011 1:54

38 51 yes 64 no

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 7:07

damn. i was just about to make that joke(:

EXTREMOAMADEUS 0

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Friday 20 May 2011 5:26

sexist bastards like u die alone

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 2:37

you guys are douches

EXTREMOAMADEUS 0

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 13:33

doctor doom shall die alone due to his igborant comment

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Tuesday 17 May 2016 12:33

as if 1 comment will decide his fate. He might be a sexist right now but the way you judgemental folks feel that u know exactly how he'll turn up later on is way lamer. leave him be, he chose to think that way.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:20

I'm going to automatically mark ydi on any fml that uses the word "apparently".

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:26

haha, I will as well. good plan. "Today I bla bla bla, apparently I bla bla. FML"

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:24

this is fake. whose initial reaction is to lift a hot pan and turn exactly the right amount to hit someone's head

tmd4L 7

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:41

i'm guessing it's not hard to hit someone with a frying pan.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:42

...riiiight..likely story. stop walking on your toes and actually make a sound and that wouldn't happen

cantthinkofuser 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:46

Thats what happens when you disturb a woman in the kitchen :P

SuperGrinder86 0

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:51

Give her a Cleveland steamer as payback!

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 10:04

What is that?

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 10:03

I'd say that you kind of deserved it, because you startled her, but then again why would her reaction be to hit you with a hot pan? She should've looked to see who it was before doing anything.

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Wednesday 3 November 2010 11:45

I thought the same thing, maybe she has been in a bad situation like that before and knew how to handle it.

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 15

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 147

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 101