Intimacy: Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled...

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 106

You deserved it 14 244

Intimacy

Age difference

Animal lover

Stand up guy

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 16:59

Today, my mom asked me what I did with the first paycheck from my first "big girl" job. I told her I paid down my credit debt like a responsible adult. She rolled her eyes and said she was disappointed in me for not treating myself. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 386

You deserved it 79

By rosecolas - 12/11/2016 13:36 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was given a building key that students aren't supposed to have because they'll lose it. I told my coach I wouldn't lose the key. The same key disappeared not even 20 minutes later without a trace. I still can't find it, and it's been an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 030

You deserved it 3 664

By moorox45 - 16/01/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 421

You deserved it 11 725

By Noname - 14/02/2012 23:14 - Canada

Today, my two best friends decided to boycott Valentine's Day, ditching their boyfriends to hang out together. Not only am I single, but I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 012

You deserved it 2 584

By Owen - 07/11/2012 18:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my teacher wore a bikini at the pool. She is 68. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 904

You deserved it 4 691

Tunnel vision

By IHaveThePower - 26/10/2021 23:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, after years of being an avid knitter and typing for a living, I got carpal tunnel syndrome… from my wrists flopping around too much while I'm driving. I live half an hour away from the nearest city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 91

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 07:55 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 604

You deserved it 4 554

By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 08:03 - United States

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 364

You deserved it 8 826

Reset my life

By Username - 17/05/2011 04:05

Today, I updated my Facebook status as, "Lost all my contacts, need numbers". My mom commented, "Her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends." Her comment got 32 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 073

You deserved it 8 677

By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 893

You deserved it 7 010

By Anon - 10/03/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 721

You deserved it 9 484

By CheeseLover - 02/12/2016 00:44 - United States - Spring

Today, the pizza delivery man and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 716

You deserved it 1 129

By hatesmellyfeet - 20/01/2010 13:47 - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 582

You deserved it 5 033

Silver linings

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 332

By tinytitty - 23/03/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 167

You deserved it 9 222

Pile on

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 21:01 - United States - Livermore

Today, I was laughingly informed that I'm an overachiever, by my doctor who thinks I have more health conditions than anyone my age should have. Guess who was just diagnosed with another? FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 89

By Fred - 05/08/2011 05:45 - Japan

Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 448

You deserved it 10 333

Idiots on bikes

By Anonymous - 09/05/2012 18:50 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, as I pulled to a halt at a stop sign, a cyclist ripped through the air, slammed straight into my fender, and almost launched over my car. I ended up being cited for reckless driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 769

You deserved it 2 313

By anonymous - 07/02/2012 09:27 - United States

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 232

You deserved it 2 328

By Noname - 13/03/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I've had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn't see him I shot him a text. His response: "Yeah I know. I've tried kind of ignoring it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 500

You deserved it 7 756

By randinosaur - 13/03/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 087

You deserved it 4 226

By lonely - 21/03/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 628

You deserved it 5 944

By LittleMissRejected - 21/07/2017 14:27

Today, I learned that, even after several interviews and congratulations for getting the job, you still might not get the job. I just received an email stating that my accepted offer is now rejected. I already treated my close friends to an expensive dinner to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 827

You deserved it 941

By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/04/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 360

You deserved it 4 446

By numbtongue - 13/03/2015 04:19 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 824

You deserved it 4 443

By owie - 29/08/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, after breaking my leg, I'm unable to put any weight on it whatsoever. Our bedroom? Upstairs. Our only bathroom? Basement. My husband thought it would be a great idea to leave me alone and unable to walk to go babysit his nieces. I had to piss in a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 640

You deserved it 206

By S. Fancyson - 16/04/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 361

You deserved it 9 618

Panic buying? What panic buying?

By Paul Rushing - 19/03/2020 15:00

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 602

You deserved it 260

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room and set my burnt out light bulb on my computer chair without any second thought. Later, I sat on the chair, the light bulb shattered and I got a huge gash on my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 648

You deserved it 30 844

By Anonymous - 18/05/2011 04:38 - Australia

Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 710

You deserved it 4 345

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out my mom booked me a flight to stay with relatives who I don't like, and who don't like me. I leave in two days, and don't return until the day before school starts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 11/05/2014 22:49 - United States - Belmont

Today, I walked outside to see my boyfriend standing on my porch, looking confused. He explained to me that he had attached a prom proposal note to his pet rabbit, and let it inside my house to find me. We went looking for said rabbit, and found my dog halfway through eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 223

You deserved it 5 409

By I did them anyway - 20/07/2015 22:01 - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 966

You deserved it 2 163

By Anonymous - 09/12/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 587

You deserved it 6 296

By Hannah - 04/03/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 943

You deserved it 31 628

By sadness - 29/11/2010 18:58 - South Africa

Today, I went to see a psychiatrist for my depression and low self esteem. While in the waiting room, I overheard a guy telling his friend how ugly I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 517

You deserved it 4 012

Still better than the Cats movie

By dirty deeds - 31/05/2020 14:00

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 389

You deserved it 131

By momoffour - 05/12/2010 09:30 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 668

You deserved it 3 281

Respect

By it’s still cheating! - 05/09/2021 11:01 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my wife, who’s been a stay at home mom since our kids were born, hasn’t really been out looking for a day job since they’re old enough to be in school full time now. She has however been day-drinking and hooking up with the neighbor's wife. She insists she’s not gay, just experimenting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 135

By Cow lover - 12/10/2016 14:13 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my girlfriend of five months told me that she had booked us reservations to our town's Halloween barbecue party. When I reminded her that I'm vegan, she told me she specifically got the reservations to help me to quit my "stupid fad". Weird, I never knew being a devout Hindu was a fad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 143

You deserved it 2 342

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Top comments

mikeydakid59 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:04

FEED THE SHARK!

gregoriit 4

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:06

i would say you life sucks, but no sucking seems to be going on, so am not sure what to press. =(

mikeydakid59 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:04

FEED THE SHARK!

frankq555 3

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:57

haha

cotter96 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 1:03

haha

hahayousucks 3

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 4:17

lol jaws dies... so slap it around a few times, it'll die

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:49

That's amazing.

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:57

def not a FML if he's hot, get someee

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:59

or if you love him ofcourse ;)

actingbro 3

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 7:09

I like 143's point of view, it's kinda hot

bariforlife 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 9:11

lol hahaha

neftajr 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 17:46

open wide!

UrDunSon 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 22:02

wait shouldn't she be the shark?

DearlyBeloved20 3

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Friday 18 February 2011 7:10

Yeah the shark will swallow you whole

Pawned71 0

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Friday 18 February 2011 19:21

throw a harpoon at it before it eats u!!!!

xoxoMEGANxoxo 13

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Sunday 20 February 2011 1:41

lmao

TayonaC 10

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 4:06

ok now that wasn't funny

rawrgle 7

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Monday 9 May 2011 5:36

You better eat the shark before it eats you.

yourmomsvagina 5

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 6:16

Lol

gregoriit 4

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:06

i would say you life sucks, but no sucking seems to be going on, so am not sure what to press. =(

banana_buddy 6

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 1:22

LMAO Gregor nice one.

SkateElement44 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:09

Why was she out of the kitchen? Did someone put a couch in there?

kappaaa 12

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 11:06

#127.. you're a tossa.

snowfox_fml 10

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Thursday 17 February 2011 9:41

don't be a sexist douche 127

musiclover087 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:07

WTF?!?!

docscientist 9

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 8:11

At least he didn't pull a fly out of his penis.

insanesna1l 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 12:45

ba dum cha! should have grabbed his balls and told him to keep it zipped up until you say otherwise

ashley471 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 14:17

win ^

yesiyes 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:07

LOOOOL,hes a keeper! :D

mightymart 5

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 9:21

wow get a Life 151..

NickK49 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 13:08

Where did that come from 169?

yesiyes 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 23:50

ok?151 soundss kindaaa creepy.. :O dammit i dont get the fisherman humor-___-

lokita5 0

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Thursday 17 February 2011 5:55

I know rite!! :)

Foltzie 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:09

I play that game with my gf all the time. She loves it

vadroman 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 7:27

she is a wife type. marry her!

daaron 3

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Friday 18 February 2011 5:10

I agree if u don't I will

patty96 0

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Wednesday 13 April 2011 3:37

wow really??

SEC_Owns 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:11

Sounds like a bamf boyfriend!

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:19

I have to agree. Unless you were having the shittiest day ever, this is funny and sweet, in a sick way. If your senses of humour are so incompatible that you feel this is an FML, you're probably not going to last long as a couple.

SEC_Owns 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 4:05

Well said!^

ifmlftw 0

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Saturday 19 March 2011 13:24

is that a pig?

Lallafa 0

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Saturday 2 April 2011 20:19

I wish I could give this post more thumbs up...

amerwin 3

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:12

You should have given him some hammerhead.

hedgerow 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:55

and some great white as reward

ahhitsjessi88 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 2:14

hahhaha! (:

jellybean91 12

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 3:24

wow

Rileysmiley1996 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:55

haha thats funny

batummshakalaka 1

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 8:52

lol

CaptSkippy 9

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 12:59

she should have eaten the shark...

TheNewGuy03 28

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 14:59

...and she will have some great white as a reward, if she doesn't bite! |the kid|

Squeaknique 2

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Thursday 17 February 2011 18:29

Heh..those comments are /oozing/ with win...

Rei_Ayanami 18

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:13

Normally I would find that rather ignorant, but it's actually quite funny.

lemoncows 2

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 5:58

you're so ignorant you can't even use the term ignorant correctly.

defQ 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:04

Hahahaha ultra win ^^^^

Rei_Ayanami 18

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 6:20

Allow me to rephrase my comment, "Normally I call somebody who did that ignorant" of course meaning ignorant to what people will and will not tolerate.

ERich331 3

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Thursday 17 February 2011 0:54

how does that make him ignorant?

jrsgreenfire257 0

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Thursday 17 February 2011 4:56

haha

dannyburge 1

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 0:14

i would like to high five your boyfriend

obviouslyimdrunk 0

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 1:08

but his hand was on his.....mmkay

punkrulz 1

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Thursday 17 February 2011 10:44

I would imagine there is a good chance he has two hands... or could wash them after the hilarity has ensued. Personally I'm sure everyone touches their privates at some point during the day but what do I know. I wanna high five this guy too!