Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML
Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML
Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML
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Top comments
mikeydakid59 0
FEED THE SHARK!
gregoriit 4
i would say you life sucks, but no sucking seems to be going on, so am not sure what to press. =(
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Comments (324)
thomass2256 0
did u like it
TJOEW 0
super funny
horseracingjocey 0
The only way to kill the shark is to bite its head off! But seriously, if my hubby did that, he would have gotten a quick punch in the balls and he knows it too! dump his a** Most guys I know (or knew) that do that are complete players/cheaters or are abusive!
sallen0046 4
Just because you've known a string of assholes absolutely does not mean that every man with a sense of humor when it comes to sex is an abusive cheater. Don't be ignorant just because you yourself do not approve of the behavior.
Ryujin_fml 0
sounds like someone is a ***** and just ****** a string of guys and has no sense of humor to boot.
thesinginguy 18
why is justin beiber backwards? I hate him(:
roydawgg 3
obviously by your boyfriend's lack of sexual maturity, you're in high school which means your not an adult, which means you shouldn't be having sex. where are your parents? what happened to boyfriend and girlfriend must be supervised rule? open door policy? I feel really sorry for the human race right now.
5t3ff1k4h 47
There's an age limit on the whole supervision idea, though. I didn't appreciate being watched like a hawk when I was 16-17 just because my mother had a low opinion of me. I never did anything she didn't like in her house, so I didn't see the problem. Apparently watching movies or playing video games was a bad thing? I don't know, nor do I care. Parents tend to overuse the whole supervision thing.
Dillonjjohnson 0
she and he can do whatever they want.
foremostsucks1 0
let's not tricot do any online parenting here worry about you own life
roydawgg 3
111 with my nephew who's 17 my brother just has an open door policy, he can hear them from the living room, and I'm sure he can tell the difference between talkingcuddling/watching tv and having sex. 113 sex is a mature deal assaulting your girlfriend with your penis isn't mature at all. 129 I'm helping out the world by reminding you of morals and values
jobart_fml 5
111 stick your values up your mutherfuking ass...
monnanon 14
#105 Age and maturity do not go hand in hand. There are plenty of 17 year olds who are very mature and plenty of 30 year olds who aren't. If you feel the need to watch your kids 24/7 then there is something wrong there. You should be able to trust them. Stop listening to all the crap in the papers, not every kid is a ball of jittering hormones waiting to reproduce at the earliest oppurtunity. Nor are they knife wielding hoodie clad maniacs. Its time to put the trust back into our kids instead of listening to the crap that newspapers write about them.
5t3ff1k4h 47
174 - See, I don't mind the open-door policy. I mind when they take things to extremes and don't even let you watch a movie in the basement when you're old enough to be alone. "Old enough" is subjective though, so what I deem to be old enough may not be the same as what you deem old enough. 184 - Bugger off. This is a site where people can post their opinions, within reason. There is nothing wrong with what I posted. Don't like my values? Good. You don't have to agree with them nor do you have to read them. Carry on.
kbroom4 0
oh please, mawmaw. what an idealistic world you live in! high school kids have sex, whether they're emotionally mature enough or not. what you like 95?
SuperSweets 3
Better watch out op he is going to cum and attack you.
Jackmangold 0
shoot him in the nuts with a propane tank
Dillonjjohnson 0
thats what you call a hob knocker.
sallen0046 4
Why is this a life-******* situation? If you don't appreciate your boyfriend's sense of humor, it's probably time to move on. If you simply weren't amused, you shouldn't have sat there and took it. If you're old enough to have an actual boyfriend and be in a sexual relationship, you should be able to appreciate a little sex play.
monnanon 14
Its only sex play if its in a sexual situation, if she was just sitting there then its just childish
ryno00005 0
nice!!!