Intimacy: Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She...

By lonerjik - 19/01/2011 12:05 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 115

You deserved it 10 752

Intimacy

BO Central

Taking stock

Once bitten…

By anonymous - 23/04/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 193

You deserved it 4 944

By NotAmericanIdol - 23/04/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 497

You deserved it 29 161

Thin walls

By xtilltheendx - 05/10/2020 20:08 - United States

Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 500

You deserved it 1 268

By bestiality, not even once - 14/06/2013 22:29 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 315

You deserved it 6 691

By Anonymous - 23/09/2012 11:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 568

You deserved it 12 504

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 07:27 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help an attractive girl on the highway in the middle of nowhere. When I asked if she needed help she told me she was going to try starting her car one more time. She then started to make fake engine noises and told me that she was good to go and that I should be on my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 334

You deserved it 5 978

By Anonymous - 15/06/2019 06:43

Today, my husband was finally moving out. I picked up his enormous duffle bag full of clothes to help get him out faster, and I threw out my back. I now can't move. I can't even wipe my own ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 607

You deserved it 724

By Matt - 15/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 4 575

By FractalSanity - 01/02/2009 08:11 - Canada

Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 574

You deserved it 11 412

By Dlpnlvr85 - 10/07/2016 18:43 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 503

You deserved it 827

Thanks for the support, guys!

By pinkpanther61789 - 17/10/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 124

"Nice alarm you've got there"

By JoanT - 14/07/2020 09:43

Today, I woke myself up by pinching my nipple between my elbow and the bed. This isn’t the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 40

Not now

By nexus - 25/09/2021 09:59 - Papua New Guinea

Today, my girlfriend gets horny at the most inconvenient times. She woke me up to have sex at 2 a.m. I have work at 6 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 472

By disconnected - 23/09/2014 20:19 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, we spent an entire day without being able to do work because our internet connection was down. Turns out, only the router had crashed and nobody bothered to reset it "to avoid doing further damage". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 458

You deserved it 3 429

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 23:39 - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 085

You deserved it 3 219

By horn-y - 23/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 428

You deserved it 60 008

By blahppl14 - 27/12/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 016

You deserved it 13 494

Infrastructure bill

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 02:00

Today, I ran over a pothole that was so small it barely qualified as a hole, more like a dent than a hole, but somehow it was still enough to completely crack the rim of my tyre and made me 3 hours late to work. I get paid by the hour, so this will hurt by paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 87

By Panda Man - 29/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 127

One Shall Stand, One Shall Fall!

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 05:59

Today, my husband pre-ordered $500 worth of Transformers figures. We're supposed to be trying to save up for a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 16:00 - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 992

You deserved it 3 955

By Nic - 22/07/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I put on some skimpy shorts and bent down to get something on the bottom shelf of the fridge to get my boyfriend's attention. On my way up, I slammed my head on the edge of the fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 749

You deserved it 45 609

By Rainydaze - 10/11/2017 20:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, the guy I hooked up with last summer who was "going through a divorce" welcomed his new baby with his loving wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 115

You deserved it 1 831

By poorman - 11/08/2014 19:54 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 256

You deserved it 3 948

By Anon - 13/06/2013 02:40 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am feeling freezing cold and soaking wet. It turns out that my dad had opened my window when I was sleeping, and rain water had been pouring in on me all night. My hair, face, pillow, blankets, alarm clock, and homework were all soaked as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 420

You deserved it 3 609

Hoarders Gonna Hoard

By Anonymous - 11/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was helping my uncle clean his house. He's a bit of a hoarder, so I suggested donating some of his pots. We got into a fight and I left. He then called my mom to claim that I stole his pots. After being yelled at he realized that they were in his dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 733

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 04/08/2013 00:46 - United States - Kerman

Today, I was at the store with my kids. My 5-year-old son wanted to carry the milk carton, so I let him. He dropped it and it spilled. I was really embarrassed. Then he decided to get on the floor and lick the milk off the ground. Everyone stared at me accusingly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 212

You deserved it 7 261

By boinger - 03/06/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 326

You deserved it 60 995

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 914

You deserved it 8 758

By lopez - 16/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 010

You deserved it 34 990

By ceilingssuck - 17/02/2010 20:18 - New Zealand

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 776

You deserved it 4 894

By asthmattack - 25/01/2013 06:30 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 249

You deserved it 2 799

By forever alone - 19/06/2014 22:26 - United States - Pawling

Today, I was video chatting my boyfriend. As we were talking, he answered a phone call. I sat there the whole time as he planned a date with some other girl over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 928

You deserved it 7 431

By Nicoli - 10/11/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 829

You deserved it 3 966

Do ya think I'm sexy?

By wifelyduties - 17/04/2020 14:00

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 951

You deserved it 309

By magicalDEATH - 19/01/2010 17:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 012

You deserved it 35 168

By stairmaster - 05/04/2011 07:47

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 395

You deserved it 45 748

By Jules - 21/02/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 018

You deserved it 4 812

By pamcakes - 09/07/2016 17:14

Today, my dog pooped on the floor, and the Roomba my sweet boyfriend bought me as a housewarming gift, ran over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 373

You deserved it 1 255

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Top comments

rattusrattus 18

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:02

It's quite simple. In dreams, you can have wild orgies with eight sets of identical twins. You can't do that IRL.

Ninjafriends 1

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:29

You're assuming it was a sexual dream. It could just as easily have been a nightmare.... about having sex with you.

rattusrattus 18

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:02

It's quite simple. In dreams, you can have wild orgies with eight sets of identical twins. You can't do that IRL.

ijustcamementedo 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:06

I do that in real life. it is hard to find twin sheep though.

DarkHelmet 10

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 21:14

Twins Bassel....Twins!!

rattusrattus 18

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Thursday 20 January 2011 0:19

2 - Is your surname Melchett, by any chance?

goldhighways 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 7:36

hahaha love your picture 31.

Riku714 25

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Thursday 10 October 2013 15:54

In your dreams!

MdMan2 23

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Saturday 7 November 2015 1:55

Challenge accepted.

machiko_fml 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:11

You suck then, OP.

iloveloosy12 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:30

yeah three letters OP YDI

FrenchToast94 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 3:53

what does YDI mean.

cradle6 13

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Thursday 20 January 2011 5:08

Yokels did ibuprofen

OhShuttup 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 7:59

yummy dead insects

islandz 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 8:09

you dumb idiot

Skodos_fml 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 9:39

You did it

Lucidium 0

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Friday 21 January 2011 1:36

You Deserve It.

Doortje 29

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:12

That's a hint, buddy. Start working on your performance.

iSitt 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 21:13

softly whisper your name I'm her ear over and over and hope it isn't a nightmare

satomi_ishida 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 4:30

No no, OP should just give her surprise sex. Just mount her, give it to her good and say "Oh yeah moan for me!"

scotty24 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 11:52

rape is just surprise sex

twat_luva 0

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Saturday 22 January 2011 3:45

its not rape if you say surprise everyone knows that

TalkSick 2

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:13

It probably wasnt you in the dream.

Drummer_duck 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 20:32

it was me :p

iamchuck 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 21:14

Somehow, I doubt that ^^

Phustercluck 11

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 21:40

it was Brian Peppers!!!

xnox 6

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 22:17

34 - you are hot, but not gay =`(

Phustercluck 11

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 22:59

Ty, and sorry broseph :

IGuessIDeservedI 0

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Thursday 20 January 2011 3:21

It was me! xD

xavier1623 4

Thursday 20 January 2011 6:44

Hey heres an awesome idea. Shes wet, you need sex. 2+2=4.

tallerguy87 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:16

well she was probably dreaming about someone else then

suckmyassitsmell 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:20

Don't worry, she was probably just pleasing herself because you aren't man enough to!

perdix 29

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:20

Obviously, she was dreaming about having sex with a real man with an ordinary-sized dick, a few sex skills and the ability to last for more than 30 seconds. Watch some porn and consider that as training.

double_a_bro 0

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 23:05

lol

Lia_Mackenzie 4

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Friday 21 January 2011 2:33

Perdix, porn is awful training for sex. Most girls don't want to be treated like blow-up dolls or have to get awkward liquids out of their hair, or wherever those "money shots" are aimed. :P

fthku 13

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Wednesday 19 January 2011 19:22

YDI for not pleasing your girl enough. So not everyone's a natural sex god. Once in you're in a relationship, however, you don't need to be. All you need is some time to realise what she likes, how she likes it and when. Sharing and talking about it is probably a good idea. Or she could just be a moany girl. My girlfriend moans at everything (A sexy sexual moan), regardless of sexual pleasure. I actually ask her to shut up sometimes!

pavloviandoggy 4

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Thursday 20 January 2011 4:13

This! I moan in my sleep, when I stretch, etc. It sounds like I'm having an orgasm. But whenever I mess around, I don't moan, I giggle, I say stuff. Honestly, if she's making porn moans during sex, she's faking.

rusrsbrah 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 18:30

that's actually false. my chick moans and gasps when she's feeling good. it's different for everyone. like me, I don't moan or make faces, or grunt. I breath a little heavier. that's about it. I kinda trained myself to be quiet when I get off so my sister doesn't hear. haha.