By liar liar plants for hire - 3/8/2020 23:01

Season finale

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

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Bigmouth Strikes Again

When nature calls

"Life is unfair…"

By Anonymous

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By Talented73 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to a local Asian restaurant where this adorable Japanese girl works as a server. We had formed a friendship and I was hoping for something more, but I decided to play "hard-to-get" for the last couple of weeks. When I went there today, the place was closed. Permanently. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my parents from out of state to see if they would order me a pizza using their credit card online because I'm out of money. I haven't lived with them for the past year, and they still claim me as a dependent on their taxes. They said no. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

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By Noctium - 2/9/2020 14:08 - Australia - Bentley

Anxiety

Today, I realised exactly how bad my social anxiety has gotten when I had a panic attack watching someone ask someone else out on a fictional show. FML

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By caterinette - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By swip

Today, my previously blond boyfriend dyed his hair dark brown and shaved his beard. When he got home, I thought he was an intruder and screamed. Now he thinks I don't love him because I didn't recognize him. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By why? - 12/4/2020 17:00

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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By Username - France

Today, the sprinklers in the hotel room came on and stayed on. There was no fire. My family is currently living in the hotel, so everything we own is soaked. FML

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By booboo300

Today, I picked up my gardisal 9 hpv update shot that my doctor prescribed and discovered that not only do I need three of them, they are $200 a piece. The guy I was dating that was the reason I needed the booster broke up with me on Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By Jane - Australia

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

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By titou - France

Today, well, last night, I told my girlfriend that I'm a light sleeper, and that the slightest disturbance will wake me up. As a result, this morning when I looked in the mirror I noticed a bunch of stuff written all over my body, like "You see, you didn't wake up!", "Nor now!". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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By lion2294 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By TotallyDeservedIt - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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By idiot - 28/6/2020 08:07

Double trouble

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

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By scarlet5000 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By lonelygirl - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

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By samsterling - United States - Blacksburg

Today, I paid $500 for a gym membership after moving into a brand new house, since 12 years of software development has taken its toll. When I told my instructor about my goal to lose 35lbs in two months, he simply said, "Yeah... That's not going to happen. Try another gym," and left promptly. FML

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By MoMoneyMoProblems - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I managed to get a €5 note tangled in the zip on my purse. I couldn't open it without ripping it to shreds. FML

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By TheTruthofWomen - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

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By FereldonBorn - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Mansplaning #2764

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

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By Jennie - 16/6/2020 08:08

Scribble your name across my heart…

Today, I sent a guy in my English class a rose. He's kind of an outcast, so I though it would be a nice gesture. I asked him later how his day was going and he said, "Good. I got a rose this morning, but I could tell it was from a guy. The handwriting was awful." FML

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By All The Best People Are Crazy~ - Canada - Oakville

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 05:00

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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By headache - United States

Today, I hit my head on the steering wheel when I sneezed. I managed to honk the horn and the guy next to me couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

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By Anonymous

Body Positivity

Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML

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By knickersdontfit - United States

Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7928163 - Monday 3 August 2020 23:09

Why don't you bang the neighbor, while you're there?

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7928174 - Tuesday 4 August 2020 0:23

What did he think you’d do once his not terribly secret secret was discovered? Sounds as thick as brick too.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7928163 - Monday 3 August 2020 23:09

Why don't you bang the neighbor, while you're there?

By Jaymail | 17

#7928164 - Monday 3 August 2020 23:14

How did you NOT realize it wasn’t him on a video chat? Clue: when you thought you heard him saying something his lips would’ve moved in sync with what he was saying.

Reply

sarkycow | 25

#7928209 - Tuesday 4 August 2020 5:16

I took their posting to mean that she was actually talking (typing) to the catfish online, no voice. BUT when video chatting the neighbour they had voice and video.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7928174 - Tuesday 4 August 2020 0:23

What did he think you’d do once his not terribly secret secret was discovered? Sounds as thick as brick too.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7928200 - Tuesday 4 August 2020 3:19

How much did you catfish him to for him to get his 600lb neighbor to say it was him the whole time?

By pjsr | 32

#7928480 - Wednesday 5 August 2020 7:29

It sounds like you should be thankful - you got a LOT MORE than expected!

By hdisnfjs91 | 15

#7928546 - Wednesday 5 August 2020 15:37

Did you hang out with the neighbour then? Since you’d been talking to him most of the time

By dasin | 16

#7930053 - Tuesday 11 August 2020 13:16

run, run far away from both the person catfishing and their trusty sidekick