Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering... - FML

By drunkennight - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

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Leave us alone

And today, on Dr Phil…

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By NotFunny - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By ugly me - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

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By ClothesHorse - United States - Houston

Today, I was kicked out of a job interview at a clothing store for "not dressing appropriately" for the occasion. I'd purchased my outfit from the same store just two days prior with my last $100. FML

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By bleach for my eyes please - 7/3/2021 17:01

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, I found out the hard way that my sister has an OnlyFans. Not judging sex workers, I just really wish I’d know she goes by a stage name before I opened the clip. The things I’ve seen… FML

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By Stephanie Peugh - United States - Loudonville

Today, during my daughter's 8th birthday at a skating rink, a family showed up that didn't RSVP. The mother brought all 3 of her kids and left them at the party alone. She didn't feed them lunch and they followed me around the whole time asking for money. FML

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By Emmaraine189 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

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By pon-3 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time. Their justification for giving me up for adoption was that I wasn't conceived at the ideal time for them. Apparently, the ideal time was six months after the adoption, when they conceived the first of my two brothers. FML

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By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I came home after a long day at work, and decided to tidy up a bit before finally settling down to relax. I went to take the garbage out, when the bag split and out fell the trash along with hundreds of tiny red ants. FML

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By fmlpanda - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

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By speshlk37 - United States

Today, while traveling with my cat, I had a mini-freakout when I realized that I left his favorite toy in the hotel room. I'm a 30-year-old man. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

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By e11ie - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Ammerndorf

The cheek!

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

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By thatsjustlovely - United States

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but…

Today, it was my birthday. I'd told my wife i would love a new battery drill, finally getting a decent one after all these years, and picked out a few nice ones. I opened the present: another cheap off-brand drill. They "didn't have any of the ones I picked out", but this one came with free drill bits. All useless. FML

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By PeeEverywhere

Today, I woke up to my husband peeing on the floor. He managed to pee in two open clothes drawers and on the pants I was going to wear to work tomorrow. Before I left earlier he promised he wouldn't get smashed tonight. FML

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By Anonymous

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By Lexi - Canada

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter swimming. While sitting in the hot tub, my daughter pointed to the elderly man sitting across from us and mumbled something. I couldn't understand her, so I asked her to repeat it. After two more attempts, she shouted, "MOM! He has big boobs!" FML

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By Soresack - United States

Today, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell. I would have fallen straight onto my ass, but thankfully my testicles broke my fall. FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

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By bit - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

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By notgay - United States

Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight. FML

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By Steve - United States - Oshkosh

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

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By in_side_out - Australia

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

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By Janice - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

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By joy - United States

Today, while I was going to the bathroom, my engagement ring fell off into the toilet, which then automatically flushed. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I was at a get-together at a friend's house. Half an hour in, it became clear that someone had farted, and we all took turns asking who it was. When someone asked me, my girlfriend chimed in with, "Oh please, if it was him, you'd all be dead". FML

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By Thomas P.

Today, I parked in my "employee of the month" parking spot by the front of the store and started my shift. About halfway through my shift, a customer backed into my vehicle, got out and checked, then drove off before I could come outside. Perks of being the best employee I can be. FML

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By halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, by text, while we were in the same room. FML

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By acneface - United States

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

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By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

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By

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

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By uh-oh - Australia - Sydney

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 11:01 - Canada

Smoked

Today, I washed my clothes in the shared laundry room. All my clothes came out smelling like smoke. FML

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By HairyBoobs - United States

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

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Top comments

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#684557 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:55

Oh the wonderful effects of alcohol.

By badbunny | 0

#684630 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:42

pics or it didn't happen.

COMMENTS

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#684557 - Monday 23 November 2009 8:55

Oh the wonderful effects of alcohol.

Reply

Incredibly_Dope | 0

#4289378 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 15:36

War Eagle

By itsametaphorfool | 0

#684578 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:04

BOOOOOOOOOOOORING. what a stupid FML. obviously YDI.

By Nikedawg | 0

#684583 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:06

Sounds like a fun night!!

By pinkkloverr | 0

#684594 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:12

lmfao sounds like you had fun.

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#684605 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:23

Hah, OP, you fail, and YDI

By badbunny | 0

#684630 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:42

pics or it didn't happen.

Reply

bean_dawg | 0

#685403 - Monday 23 November 2009 21:53

I want pics.

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#801602 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 7:10

and a video

By shelboo_fml | 0

#684632 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:43

One's an innie and one's an outtie!

By Shadow_Phantom | 26

#684640 - Monday 23 November 2009 9:52

If you got drunk, it's always YDI.

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#684928 - Monday 23 November 2009 15:40

which is exactly why i don't drink.

By ChChCharlie | 10

#684651 - Monday 23 November 2009 10:13

She probably just felt inferior to you. I don't think it's right though :)

By Endo22 | 0

#684656 - Monday 23 November 2009 10:17

Nobody to blame but yourself, learn to hold your booze and dont be such a slut