Work: Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher.... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/01/2012 02:58 - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 860

You deserved it 2 499

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Dementia or hate? You decide

The Phoebe Technique

Feu Orange

By Farty - 02/09/2021 19:01 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a car air freshener on his desk, because it "keeps my farts away from his air." FML

I agree, your life sucks 585

You deserved it 241

By NotAnUglyBaby - 22/03/2016 22:40 - Mexico - C?rdoba

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 283

You deserved it 1 899

By jameen - 25/08/2013 12:50 - United Kingdom - Tadley

Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 635

You deserved it 46 277

By Anonymous - 01/05/2011 18:49 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 958

You deserved it 3 833

By DemiRawrs - 01/05/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 558

You deserved it 4 684

By angry - 04/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 499

You deserved it 3 208

By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 201

You deserved it 26 389

By Jill - 15/06/2013 04:19 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 270

You deserved it 22 674

Tell, don't show

By Anonymous - 20/09/2020 10:07

Spicy

Today, while masturbating, I got a huge migraine so I went into the kitchen to get an Advil. As I was getting it, my family was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. I walked out and realized that I hadn't put my pants back on. I just walked downstairs fully torqued in front of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 2 377

By WasntMe - 17/07/2013 23:15 - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 621

You deserved it 18 674

By cbarebo - 11/10/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 670

You deserved it 3 682

By notgoodenough - 26/10/2016 18:47

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 049

You deserved it 686

By sadgf - 25/02/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 637

You deserved it 6 099

By Disappointed - 30/05/2015 20:05 - United States - Lexington

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 500

You deserved it 4 470

By anon - 23/03/2011 04:56

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 638

You deserved it 3 915

By PoachedFish - 29/12/2009 10:57 - Lebanon

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 261

You deserved it 3 044

By jack - 08/10/2012 18:36 - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 920

You deserved it 2 525

This is war!

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my flat has turned into a pigsty. My flatmate decided to make the lounge his bedroom and it looks like a bomb's hit it. I haven’t been able to sleep, as he doesn’t sleep at night and talks to friends all night long or plays loud music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 72

By DBZ - 20/02/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 632

You deserved it 7 511

Gotcha good

By fuck you, dad - 08/02/2014 20:54 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 781

You deserved it 18 612

By Anonymous - 04/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 444

You deserved it 3 640

Class Wars - UK Edition

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 14:01

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 582

You deserved it 219

Like what you've done with the place

By me. - 29/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Roseau

Today, I came home from work to find my house was flooded from a broken pipe under the sink. My house had just recently had new wood floors, carpet and electrics installed because 6 months earlier my house had been flooded by the same pipe breaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 074

You deserved it 2 901

By Anonymous - 11/02/2014 19:10 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 321

You deserved it 3 684

Honesty

By bridezilla - 31/12/2014 07:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, 'No way' or 'It looks great on you', I accidentally said 'Yeah, I know'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 435

You deserved it 35 295

By girlthatstoofat - 29/10/2009 17:28 - United States

Today, I recieved a message on MySpace from a cute guy I've been talking to for a while. It read, "I saw a girl in Old Navy at the mall last night that looked a lot like you, but she was much fatter." I was in Old Navy at the mall last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 238

You deserved it 6 869

By Anonymous - 16/08/2010 05:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, for my mom's birthday, we went camping. At night, my mom and her boyfriend decided to have "Birthday Sex" because they thought everyone was asleep. Trying to not make it awkward for me and my friend that I brought along, I kept still. Soon, I heard my friend going to town on herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 462

You deserved it 5 036

By Anonymous - 13/05/2014 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 387

You deserved it 8 344

By WoofWoof - 07/12/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 061

You deserved it 4 988

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 435

You deserved it 2 873

By Nomoretexting - 01/11/2009 04:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 323

You deserved it 2 581

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 00:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend ran off with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 637

You deserved it 1 810

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 20:38 - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 497

You deserved it 2 812

By jcstpierre - 24/04/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I received a mass email from my boss saying we had a position open at the daycare I work at. I knew my boyfriend was looking for a job so I insisted he apply. Later at work, my boss takes me into her office and tells me my employment is being "terminated". My boyfriend is replacing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 494

You deserved it 5 570

By Lolly - 12/09/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 201

You deserved it 802

Oh, hi grandma!

By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 299

Smart kid

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 21:59

Today, I'm at the ER because my 13-year-old nephew ate an aromatic candle that smelled like chocolate. He saw it on my dresser and actually though it was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 92

By Jeezus - 16/02/2016 03:00 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 1 635

By Anonymous - 30/06/2017 02:00

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 315

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Top comments

kyuuketsukikurai 8

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:03

On the plus side, you've got great reason to get the "office tough guy" fired.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:15

He must think you're hot

Comments

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 8:59

Stop drop and roll!

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:22

Just realized how great of a way this would be for bosses to tell their employees they're fired....with a fire extinguisher.

imepelepticsir 5

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:37

use your fire extinguisher on him?

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 11:26

@13 so instead of "your fired" which takes a little over a second to say you suggest that a boss uses a fire extinguisher?? That's such a waste of time and money. Just saying.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 16:14

Ya im thinking it was a joke pal

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 16:29

Wait you mean that all comments posted here aren't meant to be serious? Crazy

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 22:23

Would he rather have been on fire first? Because that can be arranged.

kyuuketsukikurai 8

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:03

On the plus side, you've got great reason to get the "office tough guy" fired.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 12:16

I'm guessing he wasn't fired. Do it back. Retaliate. Or you'll keep being a victim.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 14:40

Or press charges. He's a bully and shouldn't get away with it!

bananabuttercup 8

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 16:41

Definitely should be fired! You're not supposed to use them on people. You're supposed to use a wool blanket on a person whose on fire.

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Thursday 26 January 2012 23:46

Wow... Sounds like a sick place to work having an "office tough guy" that's seriously one of the most retarded things I've heard hahah

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:06

he should be fired, if there is any sense of justice

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 14:42

...out of a cannon.

Chad_the_Brony 0

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:08

When he gets fired, use a fire extinguisher on his way out of the office. Then promptly get an AVO out on him. He'll definently want revenge.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:10

I like your profile pic. So true. And willy wonka just makes it better!

jerseyboy732 16

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:09

Set fire to his front lawn... I mean obviously he likes using fire extinguishers.

ClassyCommando 13

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:25

Just make sure you're not using a cross as firewood... people can get the wrong idea.

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Thursday 26 January 2012 3:25

Fuck that..... Set his house on fire!!!

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:10

Maybe your smart arse comments were "on fire!"

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:24

If only yours were

Bigmoneyshotz 0

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:35

I pick thing up I put them down!

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:15

He must think you're hot

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:15

I'd take that as a complement.....

ClassyCommando 13

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:27

Really? How would it complete you?

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:43

.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 11:28

Really? I would be pretty ticked off if someone tried that with me.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 14:41

I think it'd be funny as hell.. It's just a practical joke. Nothing malicious about it.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:18

He was just practicing for if you ever were on fire. That's very considerate, you should be grateful :)

kickuwithmyfist 1

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:20

That's cute... I remember my first beer..

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 9:41

That's cute. I remember when I quoted lines from movies that had nothing to do with the current subject.

kickuwithmyfist 1

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 15:37

Lol someone's not getting any! Why don't you Do me a favor and go hump a pole! Ok champ

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:31

Oh shiiiiit! That one was really good. Go hump a pole? The clever comebacks people come up with these days.

kickuwithmyfist 1

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:49

Oh man, you're way too cool for me.:)

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:31

My point exactly.

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Thursday 26 January 2012 4:12

So what movies did you used to quote?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 190

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 259