By Charlie8u347 - United States

Snow day

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Noise annoys

What have you got yourself into?

By nowbrokevaper - United States - Pomona

Today, I found out that my boss, who had promised me a raise, is not promoting me. He says I don't have the right 'vibe' and I'm not 'relaxed' enough for the job. FML

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By _The__Doctor_ - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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By madmomma - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

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By Fluffyman

Today, I realized that I haven’t lost weight. All my clothes have just stretched to fit. FML

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By Person15 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By Holly - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

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By J……

Bad timing

Today, as I was talking to my girlfriend about how I need to find another job to be able to afford school next fall, I hit a deer causing about $3,000 in damages to my car. FML

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By WickedLittleDoll - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

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By JustSomeGuy - United States - Bulverde

Like a virgin

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By anonymous neighbor - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I realized my Internet addiction had gone too far when I tried to Google what was in my freezer. FML

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By Nafypoo

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

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By duhasiangirl - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

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By elena02 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By Dr_Gip - United States

Today, I was so engrossed in a phone call that I drove off without pumping gas after I'd prepaid $50. FML

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By turnmyphoneoff

The Phone Call

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

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By Foxy17 - 16/8/2020 20:01

Never engage with psychos

Today, in a convenience store, I asked a girl who wasn't wearing her mask and not keeping her distance to step away. After telling me to fuck off, she put her mask on, went to the teenage manager and said I was harassing her. Even after hearing my side of the story, I was asked to leave. Turns out it was his girlfriend. FML

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By egged - Singapore

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

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By gonnabeunemployed

Today, I got a call from the only company that asked me to come in for an interview of the many applications I submitted. I answered it even though I was at my current job. My boss heard and chewed me out. The call was to cancel the interview since the position was filled. FML

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By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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By thatcreepyteacher - United States - Mchenry

Reported!

Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML

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By rabbitoncocaine - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took my girlfriend skydiving for her birthday. I insisted on joining her to make it a memory for us both, despite my fear of heights. I passed out twice mid-freefall and had to be saved by the instructor both times. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

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By fallsdownplenty45 - Taiwan

Today, I went biking. I attempted a large hill and lost control, slipped, and fell ten feet into a sewage pit. Riding home covered in crap, my sock caught my chain and I flipped over my bike. My dad had to spray me with the garden hose, bloody and shitty, in the front yard. FML

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By H1dd3n - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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By disney_dick - United States - Mims

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By arrow

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By Hotdamn - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By Anonymous

Asking for it

Today, my crush and I were talking about hypothetical situations. I told her, "I love you hypothetically." She said, "I love me too." I even got rejected hypothetically. FML

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By tornkhakis - United States - Bloomington

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

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By KindStranger - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Getting frisky

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

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By randomusername99 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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Top comments

By chicken_lover | 2

#744035 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:12

well it's better than it smashing through you.
:)

By cinnaluna | 0

#744136 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:50

be thankfully the pickaxe didn't fall and smash through the back of your skull. (:

COMMENTS

By mjfew10 | 0

#744014 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:08

Bahaha that sucks ydi for not being careful.

Reply

areforever | 0

#2091497 - Thursday 17 February 2011 5:18

WHY DO YOU HAVE A PICKAXE IN YOUR GARAGE.

By MissOriginal | 0

#744021 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:09

I hope u have a job ;D

By Abonnent | 0

#744025 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:10

4 inches of snow? Jesus, showeling for so little? YDI for not being careful...

Reply

boatkicker | 4

#744067 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:25

If you're getting multiple feet of snow it's easier to shovel 4 inches, then another 4 in a few hours, then another four a while after that, etc. I hate shoveling a few feet all at once for the whole length of my driveway. I'd rather do a little then rest then more. Usually I do it at about 6 inches though.

By meanttahhbe | 0

#744031 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:11

sucks

By chicken_lover | 2

#744035 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:12

well it's better than it smashing through you.
:)

Reply

himiranda | 4

#744125 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:47

i was going to say that!
you beat me

By sparkIy | 0

#744040 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:14

fuck your dad's life too.

By pyrodude185 | 0

#744044 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:16

it dad must be pissed

By premiermois | 5

#744096 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:36

It's just a Buick. Where's the FML?

Reply

Ireplywith_memes | 0

#744141 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:53

That can be $250 in damage. Maybe his Dad was visiting for the holidays because he's in Europe for the rest of the year on business trips, and he doesn't wanna anger him : O

Reply

Bloodrush | 0

#744317 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 3:36

My thoughts exactly... just a Buick, what a little bitch...

By cinnaluna | 0

#744136 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 1:50

be thankfully the pickaxe didn't fall and smash through the back of your skull. (:

By nighthawk_wizzle | 0

#744161 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 2:05

four inches is a decent amount of snow, but u should have been careful and you should have been prepare...winter comes the same time every year and thus your shovel should be ready to go