Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML
Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML
Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML
Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML
Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML
Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML
Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML
Today, my dog started barking at literally nothing in the middle of the night. I spent 15 minutes convinced there was a ghost or something in my house, only to realize she was barking at her own shadow. FML
Today, I was walking my dog when I tripped on the leash, dropping his treat bag. He snatched one, looked at me, and ran full speed in the opposite direction. I had to chase him for three blocks, yelling his name. He thought it was a new game. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
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Top comments
VeeVengeance 0
A machete really? Where do you think you are, in the ******* jungle?
Zebidee 9
Alternatively, whoever was there heard a dog lose its mind, saw the house lights come on, a guy stumble around, pick up a machete and head for the yard, then unsurprisingly decided not to stick around and see what happened next. Buy your dog a big bone.
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Comments (130)
SmallyBigs 9
Why would OP stop stop searching at the front door?
Firebalone 13
Maybe he was barking at a ghost!
Kiki_Venom 0
ummm was the machete the coolest weapon or what? couldn't you just get a gun? and how big is your yard to have a spotlight???
briidontgive_ 0
U have ghosts. Don't doubt your dogg
Trollz4daLULZ 2
YDI for owning a machete, for owning a spotlight, for owning a house with a yard, for owning a house at all, and for owning a dog. If it's a neutered male dog, he's getting his revenge on you.
djmigues 7
:D
emodude44 0
Why a machete? Why not a chemical flamethrower?
Kiki_Venom 0
haha ULTRA WIN...
jpest17 5
you're right it is too heavy I would grab something lighter like a kitchen knife.
nerdsgetmehot 23
You own a machete? Remind me to not piss you off.
trappedinthevoid 0
love the name :D ...how you doin'?
Heliol 8
The first time I read this I thought he got the machete to look for the dog, not an intruder xD Yeah, my brain just hasn't felt like working all day :/
annihil8or 15
Machete is nothing guys, I own a chainsaw