Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's...

By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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Transportation

Understandable

Deep-seated resentment

Fake News

By blindedbythelight - 1/9/2017 22:28 - United States - Orlando

Fashionably Late

Today, the pair of solar eclipse glasses I ordered weeks ago arrived. I'm sure they'll come in handy for 2024. FML

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By walker - 4/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 22:28 - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2014 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 23:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out my sister-in-law cheated on her husband. I also found out my uncle cheated on my aunt with my sister-in-law. FML

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By Rae - 30/7/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

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By waterdog - 18/4/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML

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By Gemini gang - 27/7/2019 04:04

Today, my family surprised me for my birthday by showing up with a chocolate cake and my ex-boyfriend from back home. They all forgot I'm allergic to chocolate, that I broke up with him about a year ago, and that he’s been trying to win me back ever since. FML

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By brunnells22 - 23/6/2020 23:00

Bob the Builder

Today, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for building an Ikea shelf/dresser combo completely by myself. When going to put the last drawer together, I dropped one of the boards. The corner landed perfectly in the middle of my phone screen, shattering it. It's going to cost $230 to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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By Talis - 12/1/2016 13:24 - United States - Eureka

Today, at work, a drunk demanded a salad dressing we don't have. He marched into my kitchen and demanded I make it for him. When I said we didn't have the ingredients, he pushed the microwave over and stormed out. My boss came in and wrote me up for being "pushy and rude to customers". FML

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By Ouch - 19/1/2017 08:19

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 00:01

Sounds illegal

Today, I got a lot of tips at work, but little did I know our boss takes it out of our paychecks. FML

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By Muina - 23/10/2015 11:08 - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

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By smartass - 30/5/2015 02:31 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 13:30

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

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By mama’s boy - 31/10/2019 00:01

Chuck E. Cheese awaits

Today, I realized just how spoiled and immature my boyfriend is when I asked him several times what he’d like for dinner. Getting no answer, I made steak, potatoes and salad. He then sulked and refused to eat it, since he wanted spaghetti and meatballs instead. FML

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By N/A - 25/9/2012 04:13 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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By Zahkrii - 26/12/2018 16:00

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 21:23 - United States - Burlington

Today, during a date, I discovered that if I cough with my mouth closed, snot will spray from my nose all over the place like some kind of mucus cannon. FML

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By hooligyn123 - 4/9/2012 08:53 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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By Amandajean32 - 5/8/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

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By nomorecookies - 6/8/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

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By BureaucraticLimbo - 1/1/2020 14:00

Card problem

Today, I was told I can't renew my Identity Card without a Social Security Card, and I can't get a replacement Social Security Card without an Identity Card. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

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By wtf - 3/2/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

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By Brianna Weltmire - 8/4/2012 05:13 - United States - Denver

Today, my mom tagged me in a picture on Facebook. It's a very zoomed in picture of a zit that had just recently erupted on my face. The caption is "My baby's biggest zit yet!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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By really? - 1/9/2015 19:43 - United States

Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 01:01 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Facebook political debates

Today, I found out that my father uses, "You eat poo for breakfast!" as a comeback during political arguments on Facebook. He’s 60. FML

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By Sirah90 - 7/5/2013 07:29 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By missPiggy - 26/10/2015 08:27 - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 17:01

Better out than in

Today, I resigned from my dream job with a small company. In the 6 weeks I worked there, a fist-fight occurred, the police were called 4 times, a person was fired for lying on important documents, and I was yelled or heckled for my ideas everyday. Now I'm jobless and worried, but had the first good night's sleep in 6 weeks. FML

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By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

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By prick - 30/10/2015 21:53 - United States - Dover

Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

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By Iamthatgirl - 27/8/2014 04:56 - United States - Ada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about the lack of communication in our relationship. I told him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't really care about me at all. If he did, he would listen more. His response? "I know your name, don't I?" FML

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By oldschool - 23/1/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 11:56 - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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By Velian - 9/12/2008 08:59 - France

Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave her a massage to relax her while she watched her soap. 20 minutes later, when the programme came to an end, she said "I wish you'd let me watch TV in peace!". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 20:48 - United States - Charlotte

Today, in art class, our instructor called me up to the front to model for a drawing. I agreed to pose because it was nice to be called on, and I needed a self-esteem boost. He then thanked me, saying it's a great exercise for the class to draw such strange proportions. FML

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Top comments

By kirbinator | 0

#2980958 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:56

who has a friend named morris?

By xleanne_aLly | 23

#2980992 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:58

make your mom pay for it

COMMENTS

By kirbinator | 0

#2980958 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:56

who has a friend named morris?

chaps93 | 6

#2981008 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

my name is Morris. do you have a problem with that??

liquidfireKAN | 0

#2981017 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

all my friends... my name is morris....

Ellifish | 2

#2981021 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:00

Do you have any friends?

liquidfireKAN | 0

#2981086 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:06

yes, and probably more than you.. well I guess 0 isn't a hard number to beat...

MrFlintstone | 5

#2981089 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:06

hey your an imposter

dolphincheddar | 10

#2981155 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:15

your mother is missing a few brains cells, possibly a tad too many

futtbuck101 | 1

#2981233 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:25

It's chuck Norris's distant cousin.

Glitterhinoceros | 14

#2981265 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:29

dolphincheddar | 10

#2981271 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:30

don't mess with chuck morris.

iLikeWaffles155 | 5

#2981368 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:43

I was thinking it would be Morris Norris

jonn090 | 13

#2981389 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:47

hi I'm Morris. I am your father

freshV43 | 0

#2981459 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 20:03

I have AIDS

dolphincheddar | 10

#2981475 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 20:08

AIDS has chuck Morris.

Trololololololo_fml | 7

#2981673 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 20:56

Make her pay for a new one. She should've checked with you beforehand, by sending you a text or calling you.

chocolatechocha | 8

#2981678 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 20:57

lisa turtle. Kelly kapowski. Jesse spano. screech. and slater do. (showin my age here)

tori42995 | 0

#2981839 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:50

why not just take the car? instead of the sound system

neseseal | 0

#2981868 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:56

well that sucks

fistnazal | 10

#2981957 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 22:16

lmao 85. wow. I'm really mad I didnt think of that. that was great. thank you.. lol smh

guckylynn | 19

#2982000 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 22:28

Plenty of people do.

littlemissFYL | 5

#2982211 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 23:11

*85, I was thinking of saved by the bell, too! gotta love zac

canucks92 | 0

#2982283 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 23:35

my teachers name was Morris lol

Bekll | 30

#2982910 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 1:25

I have a cousin named Morris...

ChucktheNorris | 0

#2983456 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:32

38---I HAVE NO DISTANT COUSIN

My_Name_Is_ | 5

#2983723 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:42

hope you have learned something. never let your mom keep your keys, they will believe anything, even something horribly made as morris.

By xleanne_aLly | 23

#2980992 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:58

make your mom pay for it

goshpeople | 4

#2981167 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:17

Good idea. Although, it is funny that "Morris" only half-lied. He really did get something out of your car.

KaptainKronicX | 5

#2981414 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:54

OP should look on the bright side... he still has a car.

Ellifish | 2

#2982315 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 23:41

Or steal your mom's.....

leader0011 | 5

#2983537 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:51

agreed. his mom is an idiot for not asking first so it's the least she could do

By bellakaykid | 6

#2980993 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:58

Isn't Morris a pretty primitive name these days?

Lauren10102 | 3

#2981047 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:02

my middle name is Morris

thewife5 | 19

#2981207 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:21

would you really? Sounds like that's what you need.

bellakaykid | 6

#2981286 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:33

^ What?

By Lauren10102 | 3

#2980995 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:58

Do you have a friend named Morris, that is the question at hand...

thewife5 | 19

#2981044 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:02

umm.. he said he did not, therefore it is not the question at hand..

Molord1 | 0

#2981694 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:03

ya 4, you're dumb as clarke

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2981768 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 21:31

Haha the dumbest ass. #4 follow instructions on my pic.

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2982568 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 0:26

The question at hand is why would you ask that question at all.

By 95Sins | 7

#2981000 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

blame your mother and make her pay

By ILoveDaWorld | 5

#2981001 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

that sucks

Madiluvsyuh98 | 2

#2981506 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 20:15

your mom

BeastMode5 | 0

#2982044 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 22:40

Put a shirt back on your stick figure, it's not that sexy!

But yes I do agree, it does suck...

By icefshng8 | 9

#2981003 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

lucky he didn't take the car!

By BighornB | 0

#2981006 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

idiot mom alert!

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2981011 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 18:59

At least you still have your car? Unless your car is a shitbox not worth stealing that you put a $7343 sound system into...

sxe_beast | 11

#2981150 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:15

Who would put an expensive/nice sound system into a shitty car?!

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2981240 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 19:26

because people in the ghetto tend to take beat-up, rusting-through 1988 Buick Le Sabres and install 4 amps and 6 12" subs in the trunk and 24" fake chrome spinners from Wal*Mart on their rims.