By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 20:00

It's mine now

Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

British Broadcasting Corporation

By UnfortunatelySingle - 21/7/2015 06:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By siighh - 6/7/2011 14:52 - Australia

Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML

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By Dumbass - 20/6/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I bought a new mailbox to replace the old one that was stolen. Two hours after I put the new mailbox up, the old one was back and the new one was missing. FML

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By random person - 13/11/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

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By can't shut my mouth - 28/1/2017 17:00 - United States - Houston

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

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By sabadaba - 19/6/2011 17:51 - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

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By crushed dreams - 16/6/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 19:00 - United States - Point Pleasant Beach

Today, three of my dipshit coworkers kept whining all day about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction, how devastating it is, and what it means for their future. As a pacifist, I've never had to struggle so hard to not beat the piss out of people and hurl their broken remains out a window. FML

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By JLoRd - 1/2/2009 14:40 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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By Screamslikeagirl - 27/9/2016 19:17 - United States - Union City

Today, there must have been a wasp clinging to my front door because when I walked outside, it dropped between my glasses and my face and began stinging me all around my eye. I don't know if my eye is more swollen from the stings or from me repeatedly punching myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 19:01 - United States

Today, at my wedding reception, my father began his speech with "Well, I never, ever thought that this day would come," at which point the entire room, including my new husband, broke into a round of enthusiastic applause. FML

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By birthdayfail - 24/5/2011 07:55

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By windsoffate - 9/6/2016 16:46 - United States - Portland

Today, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a noise almost like someone was puking all over the bathroom floor. When I went to check, my 14-year-old son was puking all over the bathroom floor. The toilet, however, was pristine. FML

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By LadyJane - 4/1/2009 10:15 - France

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me: "My mother is in the orchestra, guess who she is!" I jokingly answer: "Erm…The fat singer?". It was. FML

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By Anna - 28/3/2012 01:08 - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was having some intense sex with my boyfriend. I was wailing so loud that my neighbors decided to call the police on us. According to them, it sounded like I was "being tortured to death". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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By fail - 19/11/2009 06:10 - Australia

Today, whilst singing at school in front of 300 visiting primary school children I forgot the second verse to my song and let out an F*** word with the microphone still up to my face. FML

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By Grimmy - 17/3/2016 08:12 - United States - Brunswick

Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML

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By seaweedlady - 21/6/2011 14:49 - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

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By adopted - 3/3/2014 15:55 - United States - New York

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

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By outofajob - 8/7/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, after not receiving my paycheck for over a month, I confronted my boss about it. His response? "You still work here?" FML

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By unlucky - 8/10/2012 16:39 - United States - Alpena

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

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By snarly1 - 3/1/2012 08:14 - United States

Today, it was our one year anniversary. After a surprise re-creation of our first date, we went home, in the mood for love. The food poisoning from the restaurant had a different idea. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 09:02

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 19:02 - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

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By Guy - 28/9/2015 18:49 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML

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By Stupid_Chick - 1/6/2010 01:09 - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By missy - 10/4/2009 08:17 - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

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By Sarah_Mow - 28/10/2016 02:31

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

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By bleh - 23/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

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By lance - 12/3/2010 12:10 - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By nick - 24/7/2012 00:52 - United States - Palm Desert

Today, was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML

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By Danny - 25/4/2011 13:07

Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML

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By licensed_ginger - 8/1/2015 18:44 - United States - Barberton

Today, my boyfriend told me he didn't feel attractive. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I find him very attractive, and so do my friends. He said that didn't matter, because my friends and I aren't attractive either. FML

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By dxplq876 - 17/3/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store and out of no where, a car backing up pretty fast speeds downs the parking lot and hits me, causing me to fall down and drop all of the groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 23:00

Great boyfriend

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2010 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I received our gas bill for about £200. My flatmate felt that this was extortionate and therefore phoned up our gas company and angrily told them to recalculate the bill. They did. We now owe £300. FML

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By TooFast - 21/7/2019 02:00 - Australia - Mount Druitt

Today, after being promised a job and attending five full days of training and induction for a job as a bicycle delivery officer, I was denied the job at the very end of the last day for, "riding my bicycle too quickly on the road." FML

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By ReboundGrl - 23/5/2016 18:44 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

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Top comments

By DonULFonso | 22

#7900932 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:16

She sold it, now it is yours, and you don't have to do anything other than remind her he stole hers and she has to call the police, then he will have to give it back!
Don't complicate easy matters.

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7900931 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:10

Time to sell it back to her and make a healthy profit.

Comments

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7900931 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:10

Time to sell it back to her and make a healthy profit.

By DonULFonso | 22

#7900932 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:16

She sold it, now it is yours, and you don't have to do anything other than remind her he stole hers and she has to call the police, then he will have to give it back!
Don't complicate easy matters.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7900958 - Sunday 26 April 2020 21:54

Sell her the car for the price you paid, with an option to buy it back at a lower price depending on the mileage and condition it is returned in.

By s_ve | 2

#7901063 - Monday 27 April 2020 6:18

Sounds like you have bad taste in friends and she has bad taste in boyfriends! I agree with every one. Sell her the car back but with a profit!

By daengh | 15

#7901370 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 2:51

'No'. 'nuf said.

By Gina Marie Lombardi | 8

#7901950 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:50

It’s yours, you bought it. I would tell her where to stick it

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7902036 - Thursday 30 April 2020 2:03

Lol!, give her a buss ticket and call it even