By Anonymous

It's mine now

Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML

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Own it

Who talks to you like that at work?

Not quite there yet

By KJL - United States

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

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By uniannonymous - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my fiancé told me he wished he never met me and that he wished I didn't exist. Our wedding is next week. FML

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By Emily - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

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By coffee_princess - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

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By Dan - United Kingdom

Today, I had my leaving party after work to celebrate getting a new job. 3 people turned up. I'd invited 35. FML

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By beateneggs - United States

Ouch

Today, while shopping with my mother, she handed me a frozen turkey to put in the cart, but ended up swinging it into my nuts instead. I feel like a giant battered eggplant, and I think I'm now impotent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

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By marriedtoaretard - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

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By eat my fucking ass, boss - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By ForeverAlone

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

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By Mr. Shawzy - Canada

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By besviken - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

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By Broke - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 02:01

Christine

Today, after waiting a week for an update on my car after the engine blew, all covered by warranty, I was informed that my car is under investigation for warranty fraud. This is its fourth engine. FML

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By

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By WTF.

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

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By Time to study again

Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who's on a diet, refused to give me a blow job because my sperm would "add useless calories" to her day. FML

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By omgwtf - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

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By MedHistory - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By jess - 29/7/2020 20:02

Empathy

Today, my friends were showing me infomercials and laughing at how clumsy and stupid the people were. I could relate to every single one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

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By WTFFAIL - United States

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

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By TayTay - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a Taylor Swift concert. At the concert they put up a sign that said "Scream if you love country boys." My boyfriend took one look at it and started screaming. FML

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tacoma

Today, I went into my former workplace. While there, an ex-coworker told me that after I quit, they split my position into two separate jobs. When I worked there, my boss had told me to suck it up whenever I said there was too much work for just one person. FML

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By ozozl - United States - Evergreen

Today, I was in the middle of a shower, and downstairs I heard my 7 year old daughter screaming "Mom!! Help! I need you right now!" I panicked and ran downstairs, not giving myself enough time to put some clothing on. It was my neighbor at the door. FML

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By Scaredafffff - 12/5/2021 14:03

Alexa, play "Charmless Man" by Blur

Today, I accidentally changed the radio station in my boyfriend’s car. He threw a humongous fit and started driving recklessly, almost causing an accident on several occasions. He then dropped me off at a stop sign and told me to, "walk home, you need to lose weight anyway, fat bitch." FML

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By hopeless - Canada - Halifax

Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

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By insertfoothere - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

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By sm702 - United States

Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML

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By Palf - Germany

Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jeromesville

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

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Top comments

By DonULFonso | 22

#7900932 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:16

She sold it, now it is yours, and you don't have to do anything other than remind her he stole hers and she has to call the police, then he will have to give it back!
Don't complicate easy matters.

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7900931 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:10

Time to sell it back to her and make a healthy profit.

COMMENTS

By Chen Zhibang | 8

#7900931 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:10

Time to sell it back to her and make a healthy profit.

By DonULFonso | 22

#7900932 - Sunday 26 April 2020 20:16

She sold it, now it is yours, and you don't have to do anything other than remind her he stole hers and she has to call the police, then he will have to give it back!
Don't complicate easy matters.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7900958 - Sunday 26 April 2020 21:54

Sell her the car for the price you paid, with an option to buy it back at a lower price depending on the mileage and condition it is returned in.

By s_ve | 7

#7901063 - Monday 27 April 2020 6:18

Sounds like you have bad taste in friends and she has bad taste in boyfriends! I agree with every one. Sell her the car back but with a profit!

By daengh | 15

#7901370 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 2:51

'No'. 'nuf said.

By Gina Marie Lombardi | 12

#7901950 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 20:50

It’s yours, you bought it. I would tell her where to stick it

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7902036 - Thursday 30 April 2020 2:03

Lol!, give her a buss ticket and call it even