Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement...

By Anonymous - 25/2/2018 13:00 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5633

You deserved it

752

Favorite

Work

Intimacy

Kids

Dangling modifier

Boozehound alert

Risky business

By SF49 - 16/1/2013 18:26 - United States

Dingdong

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44739

You deserved it

3735

Favorite

By Hikara - 13/4/2009 13:44 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks

165064

You deserved it

24298

Favorite

By Annomymous - 23/1/2015 18:12 - United States - Clarkston

Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34771

You deserved it

4842

Favorite

By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44250

You deserved it

14376

Favorite

By Bewildered - 10/9/2009 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my teenage son called me at work and started screaming abuse at me. He told me how he never wants to see me again and hopes I die a gruesome death. Why does he feel this way? I beat his high score on Bejewelled 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53487

You deserved it

8600

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14577

You deserved it

2220

Favorite

By Anon - 13/3/2009 04:00 - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79345

You deserved it

5979

Favorite

By Grevling - 20/7/2009 19:07 - Norway

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43232

You deserved it

6176

Favorite

By daisythebunny1988 - 25/3/2020 05:15

Confinement is rough

Today, my mother is snoring so loud that I can still hear her with the door shut and with earplugs in. So much for sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1348

You deserved it

117

Favorite

By seriouslywtf - 28/4/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, my daughter walked in on me taking a shower. She said, "Hey, yours is the same size as Dylan's!" My daughter has seen Dylan's penis, which apparently is the same size as mine. My daughter and Dylan are 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks

117083

You deserved it

9240

Favorite

By stephiew - 14/7/2011 03:15 - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27586

You deserved it

2513

Favorite

By unlicensed - 1/8/2012 16:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I drove 45 minutes to take my full driver's test. At the end of the test, the instructor told me I'd done everything perfectly, but had failed before I left the parking lot. I didn't see the "one way" sign at the entrance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25084

You deserved it

9367

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/2/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29308

You deserved it

2898

Favorite

By coveredupforfun - 4/2/2015 03:13 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I saw my co-worker write about how awful Muslims were and how the religion is stupid, the hijab is oppressive, and how they're a poison on society. When I questioned them about it, they pretty much said that I didn't know anything and should stop talking. I'm Muslim and a hijabi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36898

You deserved it

6147

Favorite

By sideeffect001 - 2/2/2016 18:48 - United States - Logan

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21421

You deserved it

4255

Favorite

By - 3/1/2009 16:48 - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47473

You deserved it

4339

Favorite

By Olive - 19/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, and for the last two weeks I have been preparing my girlfriend for a break up with nasty remarks. She has been finding me exceptionally funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8309

You deserved it

40507

Favorite

By Heavy D - 6/9/2012 13:45 - United States

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27813

You deserved it

2002

Favorite

By Timmah - 31/8/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51171

You deserved it

15736

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 03:25 - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39935

You deserved it

17701

Favorite

By tamralee - 25/10/2019 04:00

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1082

You deserved it

684

Favorite

By PlagueFace - 17/7/2020 17:01

Spotted

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1347

You deserved it

115

Favorite

By anonymous - 12/3/2012 08:03 - United States

Today, I burned my butt on the heater when I tried to warm up after my shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9636

You deserved it

27366

Favorite

By sadguy - 18/2/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56926

You deserved it

23087

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29432

You deserved it

7628

Favorite

By Fish - 19/3/2009 15:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26221

You deserved it

55228

Favorite

By dirtyhands - 18/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom busted in my room to ask if I'm okay because she thought the squeaking was my crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28416

You deserved it

62681

Favorite

By sweetdreams - 18/9/2016 06:39 - United States - New York

Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11642

You deserved it

1371

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/7/2014 17:53 - United States

Today, my dad interrupted my job interview with a phone call, just to say "I fucked your mom." No shit, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49690

You deserved it

7864

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:32 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36482

You deserved it

5510

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5682

You deserved it

1965

Favorite

By Chuffy - 1/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Loveland

Today, I followed my neighbor's advice and sprayed Sprite on my Christmas tree because it will "make it live longer." I just came downstairs to find my Christmas tree covered in ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8033

You deserved it

42860

Favorite

By madgf - 30/1/2010 20:55 - France

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12335

You deserved it

38324

Favorite

By WhatTheFuck - 30/7/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26012

You deserved it

1750

Favorite

By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32536

You deserved it

2634

Favorite

By LiliK - 4/2/2017 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, while suffering from a serious migraine. I have to cook dinner and listen to the singing of two very tone deaf individuals. I'm starting to contemplate sticking forks in my ears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6210

You deserved it

560

Favorite

By whitechocolate - 20/7/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my parents have been married for 21 years, our "family friend," who routinely accompanies us on family vacations, completes their threesome. Everyone in town has known for years, except for me and my older brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54746

You deserved it

2859

Favorite

By Bonapp - 9/2/2012 22:11 - France

Today, I was invited over by my girlfriend's parents, but I couldn't bring myself to take part in their discussions. During a lull in conversation, I noticed everyone was staring at me. Covering myself while I tried to think of something to say, I grabbed an apple and took a bite. It was plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32473

You deserved it

9750

Favorite

By SoSoRachel - 31/10/2012 21:03 - United States - Dunlap

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27259

You deserved it

1859

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

I agree, your life sucks

50976

You deserved it

5026

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7603912 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:04

Sounds like you got your life in order though. That's worth something.

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7603916 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:16

Those poor children.

COMMENTS

By JasonThorn | 18

#7602448 - Thursday 22 February 2018 17:57

"Next, on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT..."

By thehaystackerine | 20

#7603912 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:04

Sounds like you got your life in order though. That's worth something.

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7603916 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:16

Those poor children.

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7603920 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:18

That's probably the main reason why you don't have your third child as well.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7603925 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:32

So do the kids get to fight over who gets to inherit the basement when they grow up?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7603933 - Sunday 25 February 2018 19:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By kskjon | 9

#7603937 - Sunday 25 February 2018 20:00

I don't see how this is a FML

By mayaklast | 11

#7603943 - Sunday 25 February 2018 20:10

If I had to chose between your life and your brother's, I'd chose yours anytime. There is still plenty of time for you to meet someone, while he can never take those poor life changing decisions back. Still, your parents have a lot more patience than I do ^^'

By tmj25789 | 23

#7603953 - Sunday 25 February 2018 20:35

at least you have the right head in success.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7603959 - Sunday 25 February 2018 20:46

Maybe you should socialize a little more?