Kids: Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I...

By Lisaa918 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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Kids

Commando

Triage

Thanks Felicia

By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

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By sexyswollen - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Rotorua

Dogbowl

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

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By EpicMayonnaise - United States

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

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By ButItWasRareDad! - United States - Chicago

Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML

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By assholedad - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Today - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

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By too bad so sad - United States

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fort Smith

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

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By Anonymous

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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By UnwantedDisappointment

Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML

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By Bestbirthday - United States - Bastrop

Today, my parents were supposed to take me out to eat for my birthday, but since their favorite child wasn't with us, I instead got a mini order of tots from Sonic as my birthday meal/present. FML

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By katie876 - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

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By devinbyrne - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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By Travolta

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

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By Randy - United States

Today, I got home from work to find my wife asleep in her easy chair with my two year old son asleep in a pile of torn-up paper. I soon found out it was my 1960s collection of a Superman comic book series that I inherited from my dad. It was worth well over $2,000. FML

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By summer - 26/3/2021 21:30

Gross dude

Today, I had to beg my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This is a basic weekly argument. FML

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By Allycat - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

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By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By Ashamed - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

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By Nik - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

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By lilybelle11 - 3/11/2020 08:02 - Australia - Brisbane

New quest

Today, it became apparent that my boyfriend only showers when he levels up on World of Warcraft. FML

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By mdg - United States - North Windham

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

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By Gw - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were going on our honeymoon. Our flight was delayed by two hours. It landed when our connecting flight to St. Lucia was taking off. The airline said they were holding the flight for us, so we sprinted from D gate to A, in time to watch the plane pull away. FML

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By oompaloompa

New, from L'Oréal!

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

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By Jay - United States

Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML

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By Flattie

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

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By Itchy

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By dwhitehouse - United States

Today, I went out to my car only to find my battery had died the night before. With the wind chill, it was -20°F outside. With the hood open, and jumper cables in one hand, I tried to flag down a passing motorist for help. A man in a truck slowed down, sarcastically waved at me, and kept driving. FML

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By LETMEOUT!

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's car from another girl telling him she hoped he liked the flowers. These were the same flowers he gave me while I was in the hospital, just after having his kid. FML

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By hikingtospace - United States - Hilliard

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

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Top comments

By soccerkrzy | 0

#290087 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

Please be dirt....and not poo...

By dmmd8686 | 0

#290093 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...anyone who says YDI is foolish

COMMENTS

By soccerkrzy | 0

#290087 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

Please be dirt....and not poo...

gomego87 | 0

#927818 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 6:14

YDI for eating poo. ew. *shivers*

Link5794 | 18

#1346793 - Saturday 4 September 2010 1:17

She deserves to eat poo that she already ate because she ate it? It wasn't even her fault you fucking tool.

By newguy12 | 0

#290088 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

time to get new cookware

joeyisinsane | 0

#1026507 - Thursday 10 June 2010 22:06

at least she knows she's supposed to be in the kitchen at such a young age

MrsDruidess | 23

#5739117 - Saturday 2 November 2013 11:37

time to take parenting classes!! who the hell leaves a two year old alone in the KITCHEN that long?? OP YDI

By dmmd8686 | 0

#290093 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...anyone who says YDI is foolish

juicylover8 | 0

#1057257 - Saturday 3 July 2010 9:49

what's YDI stand for??

DemonicFatty | 2

#1146296 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 7:10

it means you deserve it. and she doesn't deserve it.

By BRBICECREAMTRUCK | 0

#290100 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:54

yummy

By spoo | 24

#290106 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:55

yeah id pinch myself hoping to wake up

By genius_man16 | 0

#290110 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:56

YDI for having children

By spoo | 24

#290120 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:58

whos the jack a who goes and clicks YDI for every dang FML....

#6... something is wrong with you, seriously wrong

antar_fml | 0

#315802 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:22

Actually every parent deserves these little things .... she'd laugh about it herself when she recalls it later .

mimerino | 9

#4382337 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 17:40

I don't think so.

By smiley_girl | 0

#290123 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:58

EW what was it, hopefully not poo, I"m hoping dirt? after a few incedents of this type of thing myself I don't eat things kids "make" or let their hands be anywhere near my face. (babysitter)

By maggy_fml | 0

#290126 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:59

YDI for saying "today" and "fml". have you noticed all the fml's recently saying that? xD just kidding
FYL indeed!!!

clairesucks | 37

#6163822 - Monday 5 January 2015 19:32

Please don't become a comedian as a carer. You'd do dreadfully

By Laci_Laine | 0

#290129 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 20:00

Fyl indeed! Kids do the darndest things!