Kids: Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I...

By Lisaa918 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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Kids

Walk on the wild side

Out of it

Late term

By chynna - United States - Evansville

Today, I paid $325 to have the vet tell me that my 19-year-old cat ISN'T dying, she just had anxiety shits because we were gone on vacation for so long. FML

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By mark - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By not even - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

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By chaos2007 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2020 14:00

Yappy neighborhood

Today, I don't think my neighbours realize that, by getting that dog they have been wanting, they ruined the peace and quiet of the entire neighbourhood, consisting of ten houses. I'm the person underneath whose window that dog barks every day - mostly when I'm either trying to fall asleep or wanting to sleep in. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 16:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Prison Break

Today, I went to my daughter's best friends birthday party, only to find my ex there, who is now sleeping with the mother, who has a fiancé in prison, who isn't going to be happy when he gets out. Most awkward kids birthday party ever. FML

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By smokeysarah94 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boss and I had to come up with a code to call if a person acts inappropriately towards me because I "attract too many weirdos." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Good tenant - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

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By dev - United States

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

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By scottyboy

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By gravycoveredblackberry - United States

Today, I had my new Blackberry Curve sitting on my lunch tray. Unthinkingly, i tossed it into the garbage can. 10 minutes later i realized I had thrown it away and spent the next hour searching through six garbage cans of half-eaten food. FML

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By umyuck - United States - Norfolk

Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

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By tomuchtime

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

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By teea - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

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By castironstomach

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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By thisisbad - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 17:00

Decisions, decisions

Today my marriage is one week away. Despite all the challenges we faced during COVID, we powered through everything. Today is also the day my work decided to tell me they're letting me go. I now have to either go on my improvised honeymoon or job hunt. FML

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By ReineXre

Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML

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By yper - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 03:31 - India - Bangalore

Don't hate the player…

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who insisted that I go with him to his friend's house party to meet people and socialize, as I'm new to the city. When I got there, I realised he had invited two other girls as his date as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 13:58 - New Zealand

Doofus

Today, I discovered that the father of my son cheated on me, but with fake sex bots that pretend to be real people. I don’t know whether I’m more disappointed in him cheating, or the fact that he couldn’t even get it right. FML

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By WTFruits - Canada - Kitchener

Today, my math teacher raged at a student for eating an apple in class. As he yelled at the student, he slapped the apple out of his hand and right into my face. Everyone laughed, including the teacher. FML

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By effme - United States

Today, I spent ages applying for a scholarship on-line. I found out on the very last page that I do not meet the qualifications for it. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By JJ - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By I'm a moron

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

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By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Sacramento

Today, I called 911 to report a drunk driver. The operator yelled at me for following the guy and told me to get off the phone because I shouldn't be driving with a phone to my ear. FML

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Top comments

By soccerkrzy | 0

#290087 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

Please be dirt....and not poo...

By dmmd8686 | 0

#290093 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...anyone who says YDI is foolish

COMMENTS

By soccerkrzy | 0

#290087 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

Please be dirt....and not poo...

gomego87 | 0

#927818 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 6:14

YDI for eating poo. ew. *shivers*

Link5794 | 18

#1346793 - Saturday 4 September 2010 1:17

She deserves to eat poo that she already ate because she ate it? It wasn't even her fault you fucking tool.

By newguy12 | 0

#290088 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

time to get new cookware

joeyisinsane | 0

#1026507 - Thursday 10 June 2010 22:06

at least she knows she's supposed to be in the kitchen at such a young age

MrsDruidess | 23

#5739117 - Saturday 2 November 2013 11:37

time to take parenting classes!! who the hell leaves a two year old alone in the KITCHEN that long?? OP YDI

By dmmd8686 | 0

#290093 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...anyone who says YDI is foolish

juicylover8 | 0

#1057257 - Saturday 3 July 2010 9:49

what's YDI stand for??

DemonicFatty | 2

#1146296 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 7:10

it means you deserve it. and she doesn't deserve it.

By BRBICECREAMTRUCK | 0

#290100 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:54

yummy

By spoo | 24

#290106 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:55

yeah id pinch myself hoping to wake up

By genius_man16 | 0

#290110 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:56

YDI for having children

By spoo | 24

#290120 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:58

whos the jack a who goes and clicks YDI for every dang FML....

#6... something is wrong with you, seriously wrong

antar_fml | 0

#315802 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:22

Actually every parent deserves these little things .... she'd laugh about it herself when she recalls it later .

mimerino | 9

#4382337 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 17:40

I don't think so.

By smiley_girl | 0

#290123 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:58

EW what was it, hopefully not poo, I"m hoping dirt? after a few incedents of this type of thing myself I don't eat things kids "make" or let their hands be anywhere near my face. (babysitter)

By maggy_fml | 0

#290126 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:59

YDI for saying "today" and "fml". have you noticed all the fml's recently saying that? xD just kidding
FYL indeed!!!

clairesucks | 37

#6163822 - Monday 5 January 2015 19:32

Please don't become a comedian as a carer. You'd do dreadfully

By Laci_Laine | 0

#290129 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 20:00

Fyl indeed! Kids do the darndest things!