Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I...

By Lisaa918 - 10/6/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

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Kids

Ghosted

Child labor

Fairytale ending

By arachnidphobia - 3/1/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

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By Good Parenting? - 26/6/2015 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

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By duuuuude - 17/4/2009 03:08 - United States

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 00:15 - United States - Brighton

Today, I had to sneak out of work early to pick my 14-year-old son up from school. He and a friend had been found covered in Astroglide, racing each other down the corridor on their bellies. My boss noticed my absence from work, and now my son and I are both on suspension. FML

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By Depressed - 8/3/2009 21:58 - United States

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

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By sorrygranny - 21/1/2013 16:11 - United States

Today, I was at the gas station with my grandma. After I slid her card and began to pump, I convinced her that it was a lot easier and more convenient to pay at the pump with your credit card instead of paying inside. She yelled as I realized I went $20 over what she had to spend. FML

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By 751920 - 3/2/2009 08:49 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2014 06:44 - United States - Saginaw

Today, I tried to blink out a small speck of dirt that was caught in my eye. Instead, I learned what it feels like to suffocate a small, angry spider with your eyelid. FML

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By EmbarrassedDaughter - 23/5/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 08:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had my daughter babysit her 2-year-old brother while I went out with my husband. I told her not to let him out of her sight. She certainly did as I said; when I tuned into our internet-enabled baby monitor, I heard her and some guy having sex in the room. FML

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By oh for f*cks sake - 20/3/2017 12:00 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my baby brother learned to remove his nappy. He immediately used this new skill to shit all over my room. FML

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By thedeerman - 17/9/2011 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By MystoganFT - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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By Sheev - 18/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Francisco

This Charming Man

Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML

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By Idontknowwhattodo - 27/8/2013 10:17 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

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By TomPom - 25/11/2008 06:54 - France

Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By d0rk_ - 2/9/2011 20:44 - Canada

Today, I was in English when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I have to walk across my school with a plunger. FML

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By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By SherryBaby - 29/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

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By soannoyed - 22/9/2013 21:21 - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

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By StupidNurse - 26/1/2012 21:57 - Germany

Today, I cut my finger with a knife while cooking. I work in a hospital and have to use hand disinfectant at least every twenty minutes. It hurts badly. I have to work for eight hours. FML

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By GettingACat - 20/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By uterus why - 1/2/2019 16:00

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 04:04 - Canada - Langley

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I enthusiastically pointed his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

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By maharaja - 6/8/2019 12:00

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By Ari - 8/9/2018 23:30

Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 23:35 - United Kingdom - Somerton

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 14:00

Libel

Today, my friends told me that my girlfriend of over a year and a half refers to me on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat as "the monster I can't get rid of." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2017 13:00

Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML

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By montextes - 25/7/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

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By ilovebigmacs - 6/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

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By VibeCheck - 10/3/2020 07:57

Hangover blues

Today, I woke up hungover and went to the kitchen for some food. I saw what I thought was a blueberry muffin. Halfway through eating it, I realized I couldn’t taste any blueberries, so I tried another one. I then remembered my dad telling me to throw out any old food we had. It was mould. FML

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By lpspann87 - 25/4/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By TheComedyAudio - 6/4/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

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By DezyCoCo - 1/10/2016 05:14 - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent 2 hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for 10 seconds to come back to my 2-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

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By painfetish8021 - 17/9/2012 00:50 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

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Top comments

By soccerkrzy | 0

#290087 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

Please be dirt....and not poo...

By dmmd8686 | 0

#290093 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...anyone who says YDI is foolish

COMMENTS

By soccerkrzy | 0

#290087 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

Please be dirt....and not poo...

gomego87 | 0

#927818 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 6:14

YDI for eating poo. ew. *shivers*

Link5794 | 16

#1346793 - Saturday 4 September 2010 1:17

She deserves to eat poo that she already ate because she ate it? It wasn't even her fault you fucking tool.

By newguy12 | 0

#290088 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

time to get new cookware

joeyisinsane | 0

#1026507 - Thursday 10 June 2010 22:06

at least she knows she's supposed to be in the kitchen at such a young age

MrsDruidess | 23

#5739117 - Saturday 2 November 2013 11:37

time to take parenting classes!! who the hell leaves a two year old alone in the KITCHEN that long?? OP YDI

By dmmd8686 | 0

#290093 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:53

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...anyone who says YDI is foolish

juicylover8 | 0

#1057257 - Saturday 3 July 2010 9:49

what's YDI stand for??

DemonicFatty | 2

#1146296 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 7:10

it means you deserve it. and she doesn't deserve it.

By BRBICECREAMTRUCK | 0

#290100 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:54

yummy

By spoo | 24

#290106 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:55

yeah id pinch myself hoping to wake up

By genius_man16 | 0

#290110 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:56

YDI for having children

By spoo | 24

#290120 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:58

whos the jack a who goes and clicks YDI for every dang FML....

#6... something is wrong with you, seriously wrong

antar_fml | 0

#315802 - Thursday 18 June 2009 3:22

Actually every parent deserves these little things .... she'd laugh about it herself when she recalls it later .

mimerino | 9

#4382337 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 17:40

I don't think so.

By smiley_girl | 0

#290123 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:58

EW what was it, hopefully not poo, I"m hoping dirt? after a few incedents of this type of thing myself I don't eat things kids "make" or let their hands be anywhere near my face. (babysitter)

By maggy_fml | 0

#290126 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 19:59

YDI for saying "today" and "fml". have you noticed all the fml's recently saying that? xD just kidding
FYL indeed!!!

clairesucks | 37

#6163822 - Monday 5 January 2015 19:32

Please don't become a comedian as a carer. You'd do dreadfully

By Laci_Laine | 0

#290129 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 20:00

Fyl indeed! Kids do the darndest things!