Animals: Today, my neighbor finally decided that when she walks her dog,... - FML

By Why Me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my neighbor finally decided that when she walks her dog, she should pick up his poop. She also decided to leave the poop-filled bags in my driveway. I confronted her about this and she claimed it's never happened. I've watched her multiple times from my front window. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Buyer's market

Never flip flop and drive

By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML

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By me - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized the only "person" I have talked to in the last two days is Siri. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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By sastgamer - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML

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By bu09 - United States

Today, all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wearing any makeup. FML

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By Uh oh....

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By GD - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

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By David H.

Check 'em

Today, I saw my first boobs ever, at 18, volunteering at a retirement home. FML

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By TowelSinger

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

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By Stressed_Out_Student

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By Tgreject - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By It wasnt even that close - Germany - Herford

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant I work at. FML

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By Malina - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

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By Monique - United States

Today, my head has been killing me. I've had the worst headache ever. Happy that I could finally sleep, I plopped onto my bed and bashed my head on the wall. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By Richard

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

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By lilrudegirl - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

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By mikeyamazing - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 05:01

Men and their balls

Today, five years after the birth of our last child, my husband still hasn't gotten the vasectomy he swore he would get. He wouldn't let me get my tubes tied, because it was "the least he could do," but when I ask about it, I'm a nag. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 05:01

Tough love

Today, I spent over an hour trying to get my niece to sleep and nothing worked. Then my husband got home and yelled, "Listen brat, either sleep now or be buried in the cat's litter box." It worked. She giggled, ran to bed and 30 seconds later she was snoring. What? How? Why? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking up sexy clothes for me to wear while role-playing. I saw something I liked and asked him if we should get it. When he saw the model wearing it in the picture, he asked "Does it come with the girl?" FML

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By Dunzo15 - United States

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I bought body chocolate to use in bed with my boyfriend in the hopes of spicing things up. Everything was going great, until I tasted it. It was disgusting and actually made me gag a little. Later, my boyfriend checked the label and started laughing. It had expired 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

New skills

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

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By Umlungu23

Today, during my lunch break, I sat on the manager's chair. As I sat down, I heard a snapping sound and I ended up on the floor. Everyone now calls me "the lumpy girl" who broke the manager's chair. FML

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By hamburglar - United States - Irving

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

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By rb - United States

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving hundreds of miles to sign the paperwork for my new job, I found out the guy who hired me recently quit, and HR has no idea who I am. FML

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By LindsayK - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By Better not - United States - Kenai

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

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By Andrea Trevor

Still counts!

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

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Top comments

By feven | 32

#6094459 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:11

Record her and show her the recording

By macros | 12

#6094465 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:13

Put it on her front porch and light it on fire.

COMMENTS

By Vahex | 19

#6094450 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:09

Aww that's horrible

Reply

Onyxdragon | 9

#6094542 - Monday 20 October 2014 15:24

take pictures op

Reply

kipperin | 18

#6094626 - Monday 20 October 2014 16:35

Even better, record it

Reply

orbit | 22

#6094654 - Monday 20 October 2014 17:18

Or every time more shows up, just throw it on her roof.

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#6094726 - Monday 20 October 2014 18:28

Record then show it to the cops OP or better yet get the cops in your house then make them watch her do it

Reply

oreoeater | 21

#6094838 - Monday 20 October 2014 20:10

Lights, camera, Action!

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6094845 - Monday 20 October 2014 20:15

Put on a pair of gloves, and put it back on her property. If it gets worse, you can either call the cops or just start sh*tting on her lawn like Me, Myself, and Irene...

Reply

Meettitan | 14

#6094987 - Monday 20 October 2014 22:34

Just fucking go outside next time you're watching her do it.

By fortune789 | 17

#6094451 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:09

What a piece of shit.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6094966 - Monday 20 October 2014 22:23

OP, you should put a video surveillance and show it to the police

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#6095438 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:16

Or just next time she does it go outside and call her out on it...

By JMichael | 25

#6094453 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:09

I'd say if it keeps up turn her into the authorities.

Reply

King_Nero | 15

#6094494 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:32

There's really nothing the police can do about something like this because it's not vandalism. Op just needs to deal with the asshole neighbor on their own.

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6094499 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:40

There are times that you need to reach out and touch somebody... With a fist to the face. This might be one of them.

Reply

DrHothead | 15

#6094502 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:44

Trespassing and littering on private property id say it's close

Reply

Mightytall | 35

#6094537 - Monday 20 October 2014 15:17

Yes, yes there is something they can do. Most city ordinances provide hefty fines for littering and police may take some interest.

Reply

Stuffaluffagus | 25

#6094635 - Monday 20 October 2014 16:52

Actually in most places you get fined for leaving your dogs shit. I know you do here

By feven | 32

#6094459 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:11

Record her and show her the recording

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6094497 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:38

Save a copy of different occasions for the cops too.

Reply

DrHothead | 15

#6094503 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:45

That would've been my first reaction!!!

Reply

Ihavegas | 22

#6094547 - Monday 20 October 2014 15:27

I would also like to view it on YouTube

Reply

ClassyCataclasis | 4

#6095047 - Monday 20 October 2014 23:33

Don't even bother showing her, just record it and go straight to whatever authorites handle this type of thing.

By LennyComa | 39

#6094460 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:12

Video Cam it and then straight to the relevant agency for dog fouling in your area

By HappyItalian | 38

#6094462 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:12

Start filming it as proof and then show it to her. See what she says then.

By macros | 12

#6094465 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:13

Put it on her front porch and light it on fire.

Reply

Zebediabolical | 39

#6094688 - Monday 20 October 2014 17:58

Put it on her front porch and light HER on fire!

Reply

KK3137 | 31

#6094740 - Monday 20 October 2014 18:33

Aaalrighty, slow down there, Doppelganger sexer... Besides, if OP set neighbour bitch on fire then neighbour bitch wouldn't get to revel in the stench of her wrongdoings.

Reply

PresidentNorth | 16

#6094886 - Monday 20 October 2014 21:09

Sure she would. It won't last as long as we'd like but she'll be reveling.

Reply

ClassyCataclasis | 4

#6095049 - Monday 20 October 2014 23:34

Then you go to jail for attempted arson...

Reply

redstone7693 | 29

#6095296 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 4:45

that's an old school prank xD

Reply

BrotherPhil | 32

#6096151 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 21:45

Have a pal put another one at the back door, and set it on fire ( and knock loudly) just after the first one.

By adzz90 | 16

#6094468 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:13

why don't you record her doing this as proof and then confront her

By Frostillicus123 | 10

#6094473 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:14

video evidence is easy.

By Smiley_70 | 22

#6094478 - Monday 20 October 2014 14:16

Pick up said bags and leave in her doorstep. That is after filming her leaving said bags on your drive way. If she asks - explain you are returning her dogs brownies