Intimacy: Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly... - FML

By NotSoSexy - United States

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

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Marriage doesn't solve anything

Mummy's boy

Thanks for the help

By DeniedAgain - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I'd had a quarter in my pocket. I find no change in my pocket once I get to the register, so I pull out my credit card. The cashier laughs a few seconds later. My card was declined for a piece of gum. FML

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By thxmom - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

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By pointlessperson - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

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By SterlingSilver91 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

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By TooYoungForThis - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard that I threw my back out. Now my back is in agonizing pain, and I can barely walk. FML

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By badluck - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was out with my boyfriend, when he started browsing wedding rings. He found a ring, proposed to me right there in front of a crowd, and then was promptly denied a payment plan. We left without a ring. FML

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By Lithiac - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

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By sabz21 - United States - Naugatuck

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date, and everything was going fine- until the ride home. On the way, I starting having progressively bad stomach pains. Once she left the car, I passed the worst gas that I had ever encountered. As I began to drive, she knocked on the window. She forgot her purse in the car. FML

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By xx-look-at-xx - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

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By Mortified - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

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By Fredgruff - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

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By phantomdriver - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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By newly single teetotaler - 23/10/2020 23:01

Cute trick, asshole

Today, the guy I've been seeing decided to "test the theory" that I can't drink alcohol due to a liver condition by mixing some into my drinks. He then complained that my ceaseless vomiting made his bathroom smell bad, and only took me to hospital when I started having a seizure. FML

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By Danielle - 2/8/2020 08:08

Crushed

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

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By SleepyMommy - United States - Pomona

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

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By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By MM

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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By BOOMerang - United States

Today, I played with a boomerang my first time. I didn't believe that when you threw it, it comes right back to you. It flew back all right. And broke my nose. FML

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By killer - Latvia

Today, I went to see a fortune teller. She said one of my closest friends will die soon because of me. Frightened I hurried home to avoid meeting anyone I know. At home I found my goldfish floating on its back. Apparently I forgot to feed my closest friend for the past 3 days. FML

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By scarredforlife - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

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By ch,nlv

Today, my husband and I did artificial insemination. At the hospital, they mixed up the sperm and didn't realize until it was too late. I'm now pregnant with a stranger's baby. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

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By ksgirl - United States

Today, the guy I have been in love with for years decided to tell me all about his women problems and how he can't find someone. After telling him I loved him he responds, "do you know if anyone else does?" FML

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By Jesska - United States

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By greek_dancer - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By Brunette, small breasts - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

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By Neveragain - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML

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By CreeptacularBait

Today, after my husband trusted me to sort out the arrangements for modifying our kitchen and I spent a lot of time finding the perfect top-quality items, they were delivered 1,291 miles away in a town I’ve never heard of. FML

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By notacatperson - United Kingdom

Today, I was informed that due to my cat being aggressive and attacking the postman several times, my mail would no longer be delivered to my address. I don't own a cat. FML

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Top comments

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#688912 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:09

[facepalm]

By Jannick_fml | 0

#688917 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

[double facepalm]

COMMENTS

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#688912 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:09

[facepalm]

Reply

wooters | 1

#996455 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:52

what's facepalm?

Reply

Mouldy666 | 0

#1038050 - Monday 21 June 2010 12:18

fail

Reply

shumian | 4

#2508727 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:04

Facepalm^

Reply

jaybear13 | 14

#5475188 - Thursday 2 May 2013 15:27

39 :epicfacepalm:

By Jannick_fml | 0

#688917 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

[double facepalm]

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#832456 - Sunday 7 February 2010 6:51

[triple facepalm]
nowhere near ss what my friends mom walked in on. her masterbating with a curling iron!!!!! I kid you not!!!!

Reply

coolster56 | 0

#900148 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:59

how can you do that

Reply

lan_drake | 9

#903640 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:05

when the curling iron isn't hot
....I hope

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#988084 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:20

[quadruple facepalm]

Reply

hiloman500 | 0

#1360385 - Monday 6 September 2010 15:14

[headfist]

By Ninjaface | 0

#688923 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

Well, I'm not surprised that your dad would be disgusted by the ink all over your face from the marker exploding. At least you weren't using it to pleasure yourself, then you could have ended up carrying a neon-blue baby!

By la_lovurr | 0

#688945 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:36

oh man, that sucks!

By ladiesman14 | 0

#688960 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:08

what a great girlfriend.

By a192837465 | 0

#688967 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:17

couldve had a V8

Reply

kayladance101 | 13

#1220551 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 4:02

lmaoo 6(:

By Raiders714 | 0

#688976 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:24

Damn LOL wat did he say after?

By FMLjudge007 | 0

#689017 - Thursday 26 November 2009 11:05

I'm not even gonna comment

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#689075 - Thursday 26 November 2009 11:58

Me, either, but I do agree with #10.

Reply

purple5 | 0

#689106 - Thursday 26 November 2009 12:30

you are #10 ...

By sydeshow | 0

#689027 - Thursday 26 November 2009 11:19

fail

By perdix | 29

#689118 - Thursday 26 November 2009 12:40

He was disgusted because you're a much better marker-sucker than your mom.

And she hasn't sucked his marker in years!