Intimacy: Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly... - FML

By NotSoSexy - United States

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly told me it was sexy, so I continued while making obscene gestures and moans. Suddenly he began to look nervous. I turned around to see my dad looking at me, disgusted and confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10353

You deserved it

30133

Tweet

Share

Family values

Serious times

Technologically challenged

By ddll - Singapore

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32204

You deserved it

12288

Tweet

Share

By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42098

You deserved it

3887

Tweet

Share

By theholt - United States

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30367

You deserved it

6169

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22577

You deserved it

6017

Tweet

Share

By ARGHHHH

Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3332

You deserved it

326

Tweet

Share

By Kimmiko - Germany

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

110973

You deserved it

7140

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30414

You deserved it

6776

Tweet

Share

By bbbkingsey - United States

Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56744

You deserved it

4348

Tweet

Share

By monkers - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25159

You deserved it

1768

Tweet

Share

By Nissan_David - United States

Today, I was helping my friend put up a wooden fence at his new house. I was holding the sections of fence up while he nailed them in with an air powered nail gun. The gun malfunctioned and fired twice putting the second nail through my hand and into the wood. We had to pry the nail out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36350

You deserved it

2791

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46616

You deserved it

2325

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26080

You deserved it

2058

Tweet

Share

By dca101 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me because our "political views don't match" when I told her we needed to share house chores now that we live together. I know, I'm lost too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36406

You deserved it

2914

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Auburn

Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30327

You deserved it

2831

Tweet

Share

By AvocadoPurse

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2659

You deserved it

265

Tweet

Share

By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46553

You deserved it

5805

Tweet

Share

By silencio - Canada - Ch?teauguay

Not a real doctor

Today, my mom watched a Dr. Phil episode. She's now hysterical because she assumes me and my friends are involved in sex parties. All because a man on the TV said so. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29269

You deserved it

2373

Tweet

Share

By kayt240 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47191

You deserved it

8066

Tweet

Share

By The_HML - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72868

You deserved it

11106

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39976

You deserved it

5503

Tweet

Share

By elfy2

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44044

You deserved it

3412

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, I was texting my boyfriend when he said, "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny, I ran and grabbed my copy of the movie Up, and took a picture of me holding it and sent it to him. He replied, "Getting real tired of your shit." Then dumped me for my "dumb taste in humor." FML

I agree, your life sucks

68422

You deserved it

14948

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24513

You deserved it

2642

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24715

You deserved it

3982

Tweet

Share

By Justkillme

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3563

You deserved it

405

Tweet

Share

By Dogmom

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3128

You deserved it

185

Tweet

Share

By Love stinks - United States

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83321

You deserved it

4724

Tweet

Share

By notpregnantthankgod - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22432

You deserved it

2180

Tweet

Share

By Joe - United States

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14779

You deserved it

50651

Tweet

Share

By feeldumb - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12068

You deserved it

86183

Tweet

Share

By The Seamstress - United States - Irving

Today, while sewing, I learned that I cannot hold pins in my mouth and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2006

You deserved it

5363

Tweet

Share

By PineappleOfMyEye

Today, I work at a general store and a customer came in trying to bargain a set price of an item. The item? A 50 cent candy bar. He wanted it for 34 cents. This is not the first time he's done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2127

You deserved it

118

Tweet

Share

By all shat out - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33478

You deserved it

4186

Tweet

Share

By CityBoysNow - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59455

You deserved it

13188

Tweet

Share

By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24017

You deserved it

3198

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14993

You deserved it

1801

Tweet

Share

By kyla - United States

Today, while shopping at American Eagle, I found the same "$1,500" wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with, marked on sale for $10.95. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54960

You deserved it

9571

Tweet

Share

By livingonmyownfromnowon - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18616

You deserved it

1518

Tweet

Share

By paul - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26165

You deserved it

4730

Tweet

Share

By hurtinrealbad - United States - Tempe

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32993

You deserved it

1961

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#688912 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:09

[facepalm]

By Jannick_fml | 0

#688917 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

[double facepalm]

COMMENTS

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#688912 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:09

[facepalm]

Reply

wooters | 1

#996455 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 3:52

what's facepalm?

Reply

Mouldy666 | 0

#1038050 - Monday 21 June 2010 12:18

fail

Reply

shumian | 4

#2508727 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:04

Facepalm^

Reply

jaybear13 | 14

#5475188 - Thursday 2 May 2013 15:27

39 :epicfacepalm:

By Jannick_fml | 0

#688917 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:13

[double facepalm]

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#832456 - Sunday 7 February 2010 6:51

[triple facepalm]
nowhere near ss what my friends mom walked in on. her masterbating with a curling iron!!!!! I kid you not!!!!

Reply

coolster56 | 0

#900148 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:59

how can you do that

Reply

lan_drake | 9

#903640 - Monday 1 March 2010 9:05

when the curling iron isn't hot
....I hope

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#988084 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 2:20

[quadruple facepalm]

Reply

hiloman500 | 0

#1360385 - Monday 6 September 2010 15:14

[headfist]

By Ninjaface | 0

#688923 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:15

Well, I'm not surprised that your dad would be disgusted by the ink all over your face from the marker exploding. At least you weren't using it to pleasure yourself, then you could have ended up carrying a neon-blue baby!

By la_lovurr | 0

#688945 - Thursday 26 November 2009 9:36

oh man, that sucks!

By ladiesman14 | 0

#688960 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:08

what a great girlfriend.

By a192837465 | 0

#688967 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:17

couldve had a V8

Reply

kayladance101 | 13

#1220551 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 4:02

lmaoo 6(:

By Raiders714 | 0

#688976 - Thursday 26 November 2009 10:24

Damn LOL wat did he say after?

By FMLjudge007 | 0

#689017 - Thursday 26 November 2009 11:05

I'm not even gonna comment

Reply

waterynuggets | 0

#689075 - Thursday 26 November 2009 11:58

Me, either, but I do agree with #10.

Reply

purple5 | 0

#689106 - Thursday 26 November 2009 12:30

you are #10 ...

By sydeshow | 0

#689027 - Thursday 26 November 2009 11:19

fail

By perdix | 29

#689118 - Thursday 26 November 2009 12:40

He was disgusted because you're a much better marker-sucker than your mom.

And she hasn't sucked his marker in years!