Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex....

By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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35672

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Intimacy

Messed up

You dingdong!

You've got some explaining to do

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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33422

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By jesus christ - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

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35253

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By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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19663

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By snickerdoodles - France

Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML

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32289

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By Foxy17 - 5/8/2020 05:01

Noisy lover

Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML

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1551

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126

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By buggermonster - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By joe1234 - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to put a pretzel on my forehead while I was sleeping on the beach. I now have a pretzel-shaped tan line in the middle of my head. FML

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48749

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By MsAnonymous17 - United States

Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML

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59064

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By nudesurprise - United States

Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn't know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML

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79708

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By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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34307

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By LOTRfail - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

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29176

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By emkaycutie - United States

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

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18171

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By Lesbihonest - Australia - Gymea

Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML

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38421

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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25082

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By JerryClark - 2/2/2020 14:00 - United States - San Bernardino

So beautiful!

Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML

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2668

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By Wasthistheplace - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet my dad, who I haven't seen in years, at a convenience store. He didn't show up, because the location was "inconvenient." FML

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1627

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By Anonymous

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

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1520

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249

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By fmylifeee

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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1516

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By Lax - France

Today, my 5 year old daughter watched me getting dressed in the bathroom and asked "mum, when my boobs grow, will they droop like yours?". FML

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30815

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By anonymous - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

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45472

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By KindStranger - 4/1/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Getting frisky

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

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1867

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By iheartvodka - United States

Today, I had a police officer come to my house because I've been reported missing. My friends online decided to call the police because I haven't signed in for 6 days. FML

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37558

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By Anonymous - Maldives - Male

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

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30839

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By but I tried anal and everything - United States - Des Moines

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

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33677

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By rUs7up1d - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML

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31931

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By RustyBulletHole - United States

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

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45032

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By sobusy - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By Bushfan101 - France

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

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13013

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By Tank - Canada

Today, my roommate is being evicted. Since we had some very good memories together I was sad to come home and see all of her stuff gone...and half of my stuff, too. FML

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12498

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

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2711

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229

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By lexibabe - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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58762

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By Addigirl - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

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5480

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By Busty

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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5514

You deserved it

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By NiquetChrome - France

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

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46928

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By Achoo - United States

Today, I was making out with a guy I really like. Midway through, he stopped and said he had to sneeze. After waiting several seconds, he said the urge went away and we kept making out. Ten seconds later, he violently sneezed in my open mouth. FML

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38800

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By Thanks a lot - United States - Chestnut Hill

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

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28174

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By fat and broke - United States - Federal Way

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

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26784

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By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a haircut and the first thing the lady asked was "so do you want to keep the mullet?". What mullet?! FML

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Top comments

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022485 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Maybe you should either lock your door or have your own place. If you're too dumb to figure that out, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.

By DynamicDave | 11

#2022609 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:20

I'm a virgin. Not all of us lack grammar, consistency, and sense.

COMMENTS

By missjessicaaaa | 0

#2022463 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:59

Haha, that's just messed up. ^.^

gabinel1 | 0

#2024913 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:42

Mommy has more life experience. Listen to her

By cearalaken | 0

#2022472 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

haha wat a mom

comatoast | 0

#2025803 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:10

and the next contestant on To Catch a Predator is..........

sexxy_skater | 0

#2025881 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:22

118 -do you realy think every pretty girl that you see is going to text you back? SMH.

mikestahhh204 | 0

#2027601 - Monday 31 January 2011 4:05

text me him a good time.
6037819544

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2027788 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:32

funny how both the guys tht like u have no picture

janix_fml | 0

#2378990 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 18:15

129- exactly what i was thinking...

hakaman_fml | 0

#3162698 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:38

Janix, don't text me.

bensharp | 5

#4830364 - Saturday 18 August 2012 11:22

128-Thank you for screaming pathetic to the world.

By zanysage | 0

#2022477 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

hang on there and ask for more tips from the experienced mom!

By gabrielleangeliq | 0

#2022480 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Don't complain, it's probably sound advice.

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022485 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Maybe you should either lock your door or have your own place. If you're too dumb to figure that out, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.

sherivengeance | 3

#2024534 - Sunday 30 January 2011 9:54

WTF is with this comment, lol

daminantion | 14

#2024743 - Sunday 30 January 2011 12:54

WTF us with girls making kiss faces in photos????

gabinel1 | 0

#2024918 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:44

thats hot.

^ sarcasm. just saying.

By KiM1314 | 0

#2022490 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

Is your mom perhaps sMiley Cyrus?

KyRidHEART | 0

#2023897 - Sunday 30 January 2011 5:03

Lame, but i admit, i smiled(:

By cearalaken | 0

#2022498 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

what a good mother

By jonaslover12345 | 0

#2022503 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

parent of the year!!

By cearalaken | 0

#2022507 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

what a good mother

gabinel1 | 0

#2024924 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:45

You posted this comment 3 times.We get it.

By banana_buddy | 6

#2022509 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

R u making a reference to lighter burns, AKA smileys?