Intimacy: Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex....

By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

The Other Woman

Bird's eye view

By CrawlingUnderARock

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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By acab93 - United States

Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML

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Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

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By OneGirlsLife - United States - Spartanburg

Today, it was supposed to be my birthday dinner with two of my friends. They're both now bringing their boyfriends, so I get to be the fifth wheel to my own birthday dinner. FML

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By CrimsonAmaryllis - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after two and a half hours of travel, it was finally my stop on the train. I politely waited for a group of women to get off first. They took so long to move that the train doors closed. I shouted at one through the door to call the conductor. She watched and smiled as the train departed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Decisions, decisions

Today my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen all summer, blew off our date to attend a local chili eating contest. FML

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By Fluffy - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By no low five - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

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By noname - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

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By blank - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

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By movingout - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

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By nightmarestonite - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

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By UnluckyLatina - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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By fmylife - Malaysia

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

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By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By Robyn_mori - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML

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By ElectroSpecter

Today, I went to get a haircut. I have a pretty bad case of dandruff, so whenever I get one, a lot of it shows. My hairstylist called to her nearby friend twice, then looked at my hair and said, "Blech" under her breath. I got glares when I walked out. FML

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By dtack2tack - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

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By poopy pants - United States - Minneapolis

Quick Stop

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him by handing me a ring and telling me, "Okay we're engaged now." I should have seen it coming when we started dating, I went to his house one night and as I was leaving he said, "Okay you're my girlfriend now." FML

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By Jong - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

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By well okay then - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

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By Mia - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By blondie101 - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

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By curly_eyelashes - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By bottlepoppin - United States

Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?" I look around my desk for something he might confuse with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informs me he is talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

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By getoffthephone - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

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By SadisticSatire - United States

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

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By oh why... - United States

Today, I got a ransom note saying, "We have kidnapped your husband and won't release him unless you postpone the wedding." The wedding is tomorrow and it was in his handwriting. FML

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By just trying to be nice - United States - Tucson

Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML

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Top comments

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022485 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Maybe you should either lock your door or have your own place. If you're too dumb to figure that out, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.

By DynamicDave | 11

#2022609 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:20

I'm a virgin. Not all of us lack grammar, consistency, and sense.

COMMENTS

By missjessicaaaa | 0

#2022463 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:59

Haha, that's just messed up. ^.^

gabinel1 | 0

#2024913 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:42

Mommy has more life experience. Listen to her

By cearalaken | 0

#2022472 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

haha wat a mom

comatoast | 0

#2025803 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:10

and the next contestant on To Catch a Predator is..........

sexxy_skater | 0

#2025881 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:22

118 -do you realy think every pretty girl that you see is going to text you back? SMH.

mikestahhh204 | 0

#2027601 - Monday 31 January 2011 4:05

text me him a good time.
6037819544

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2027788 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:32

funny how both the guys tht like u have no picture

janix_fml | 0

#2378990 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 18:15

129- exactly what i was thinking...

hakaman_fml | 0

#3162698 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:38

Janix, don't text me.

bensharp | 5

#4830364 - Saturday 18 August 2012 11:22

128-Thank you for screaming pathetic to the world.

By zanysage | 0

#2022477 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

hang on there and ask for more tips from the experienced mom!

By gabrielleangeliq | 0

#2022480 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Don't complain, it's probably sound advice.

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022485 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Maybe you should either lock your door or have your own place. If you're too dumb to figure that out, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.

sherivengeance | 3

#2024534 - Sunday 30 January 2011 9:54

WTF is with this comment, lol

daminantion | 14

#2024743 - Sunday 30 January 2011 12:54

WTF us with girls making kiss faces in photos????

gabinel1 | 0

#2024918 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:44

thats hot.

^ sarcasm. just saying.

By KiM1314 | 0

#2022490 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

Is your mom perhaps sMiley Cyrus?

KyRidHEART | 0

#2023897 - Sunday 30 January 2011 5:03

Lame, but i admit, i smiled(:

By cearalaken | 0

#2022498 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

what a good mother

By jonaslover12345 | 0

#2022503 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

parent of the year!!

By cearalaken | 0

#2022507 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

what a good mother

gabinel1 | 0

#2024924 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:45

You posted this comment 3 times.We get it.

By banana_buddy | 6

#2022509 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

R u making a reference to lighter burns, AKA smileys?