Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex....

By anonymous - 29/1/2011 12:41 - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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Intimacy

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Hello everyone!

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By _guy_j - 6/9/2015 03:11 - United States - Glendora

Today, my brother got a job as an Uber driver. Now, whenever I need a ride from him, he insists I pay him money through the app. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML

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By brokeasajoke - 11/11/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, I let my dad borrow my car. I found out a few hours later that he has had a suspended license for three years. How did I find out? He got pulled over and arrested. My car was also impounded. I'm a college student barely making it as it is. Guess who can't afford the impound fees? FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 16:59 - United States - Harker Heights

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2016 14:15

Today, I found out my wife has been taking "love thy neighbour" very literally with the bloke next door. FML

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By Bibi - 23/9/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By Idiot - 22/8/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

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By faitesdesgosses - 19/5/2014 14:27 - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

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By a - 10/4/2013 19:09 - United States

Today, my husband and I announced our upcoming divorce. My friends told me how sorry they were and that they're available for whatever I need. His friends told him to just call the girl from last weekend and get himself laid again. FML

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By spacemanspiff78 - 31/10/2011 15:07

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

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By JJ - 21/3/2016 19:06 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

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By committedandalone - 24/11/2016 14:45

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend about where we want to live when I graduate. He says he doesn't know what he wants and his mother wouldn't approve of us living together. We've been together 3 years with the understanding we would live together once I graduated my Master's. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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By SaucierGirl - 12/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - 17/8/2012 16:27 - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

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By wow - 23/6/2011 08:53 - France

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

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By Ouch - 14/11/2018 05:00

Today, I tried to break up a fight between two of my coworkers. They decided to show their gratitude by smashing me in the face with a thick ceramic dish. FML

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By Thisismylife - 26/1/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By scatter00x - 8/2/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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By hexphoenix - 7/4/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

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By gimmeabreak0_o - 18/6/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and thought it would be cool to rip off my shirt while we were making out. It wasn't. Her bed was under a bookshelf and my shirt didn't even come off. I busted my head while she busted up laughing. FML

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By wtfjusthappened - 24/1/2009 03:27 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend from two years ago called and asked to come over. Still being in love with him, I agreed to see him but decided I wasn't drunk enough to handle the stress. After a while of drinking, he said that he really missed me and wanted to be with me. My reply consisted of throwing up. FML

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By bluewinter - 23/5/2009 10:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2009 17:30 - United States

Today, I finally got my yearbook for senior year in high school. I started what everyone does, which is count how many times I appear in the yearbook. I stopped when I found a prominent photo of me, picking my nose in class. FML

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By freezingggg - 23/9/2011 14:33 - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

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By Random - 25/2/2016 22:09 - United States - Tuskegee

Today, my dad walked into my school and joked around saying that he's going to shoot my boyfriend. We all laughed. Except my boyfriend. He was sobbing in a corner. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2018 19:00

Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML

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By Scarlett - 26/4/2011 17:28 - United States

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

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By AlwaysTired - 28/11/2015 03:21 - United States - San Carlos

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 02:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

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By MiserableMan - 10/6/2014 04:02 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I sent my girlfriend a request to confirm our relationship on Facebook. She accepted, then changed her screen name into "His Hand". FML

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By Arachnofail - 8/4/2016 04:16 - France - Goussainville

Today, while driving, a spider crawled onto my gearstick. Not being afraid of them, I casually flicked it off. Onto the person sitting next to me. The person evaluating me for my driving test at the time, who happened to be arachnophobic. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 12:58 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By DrLight - 17/1/2015 01:59 - United States - Raleigh

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

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By Angel - 22/6/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By ProudMama - 8/1/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

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By Pooper scooper - 28/1/2014 08:22 - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 06:45 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 21:58 - Mexico

Today, I have to get an ultrasound at the hospital. In order to get a clear picture, I need to have a full bladder. I've been waiting my turn for 2 hours now, desperately needing to pee. There are still multiple patients ahead of me. FML

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Top comments

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022485 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Maybe you should either lock your door or have your own place. If you're too dumb to figure that out, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.

By DynamicDave | 11

#2022609 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:20

I'm a virgin. Not all of us lack grammar, consistency, and sense.

COMMENTS

By missjessicaaaa | 0

#2022463 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:59

Haha, that's just messed up. ^.^

gabinel1 | 0

#2024913 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:42

Mommy has more life experience. Listen to her

By cearalaken | 0

#2022472 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:00

haha wat a mom

comatoast | 0

#2025803 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:10

and the next contestant on To Catch a Predator is..........

sexxy_skater | 0

#2025881 - Sunday 30 January 2011 17:22

118 -do you realy think every pretty girl that you see is going to text you back? SMH.

mikestahhh204 | 0

#2027601 - Monday 31 January 2011 4:05

text me him a good time.
6037819544

BlackOpsPWNR | 0

#2027788 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:32

funny how both the guys tht like u have no picture

janix_fml | 0

#2378990 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 18:15

129- exactly what i was thinking...

hakaman_fml | 0

#3162698 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:38

Janix, don't text me.

bensharp | 5

#4830364 - Saturday 18 August 2012 11:22

128-Thank you for screaming pathetic to the world.

By zanysage | 0

#2022477 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

hang on there and ask for more tips from the experienced mom!

By gabrielleangeliq | 0

#2022480 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Don't complain, it's probably sound advice.

By UnprecendentedAw | 0

#2022485 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Maybe you should either lock your door or have your own place. If you're too dumb to figure that out, maybe you shouldn't be having sex.

sherivengeance | 3

#2024534 - Sunday 30 January 2011 9:54

WTF is with this comment, lol

daminantion | 14

#2024743 - Sunday 30 January 2011 12:54

WTF us with girls making kiss faces in photos????

gabinel1 | 0

#2024918 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:44

thats hot.

^ sarcasm. just saying.

By KiM1314 | 0

#2022490 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

Is your mom perhaps sMiley Cyrus?

KyRidHEART | 0

#2023897 - Sunday 30 January 2011 5:03

Lame, but i admit, i smiled(:

By cearalaken | 0

#2022498 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

what a good mother

By jonaslover12345 | 0

#2022503 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

parent of the year!!

By cearalaken | 0

#2022507 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

what a good mother

gabinel1 | 0

#2024924 - Sunday 30 January 2011 13:45

You posted this comment 3 times.We get it.

By banana_buddy | 6

#2022509 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:05

R u making a reference to lighter burns, AKA smileys?