Health: Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when... - FML

By awkward drunk - Canada

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

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Rock, hard place

Walk on the wild side

Bye then!

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Overveen

Today, I dreamed a rat crawled up from the toilet and attacked me. Now I'm afraid to even enter the bathroom. FML

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By kaybear13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML

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By xharmonyx - United States

Today, I paid for someone else's pee so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

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By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By drkate25 - United States - Enfield

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 23:04

Love don't pay the rent

Today, I begged my dad for money, for the first time ever, because even with two jobs I still can’t make rent. When asked why he sent way too little, he replied, "You always said you’d prefer to get love from me rather than money." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

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By clutzasaurus - United States - Odessa

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

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By marie - 2/12/2020 23:02 - United States - San Jose

Gamers rise up

Today, after a stressful day at work, I just wanted to go home and play video games. And then I broke my thumb. FML

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By geewhiz - United Kingdom

Today, I'm 19, I'm at uni, I've never been kissed and the only person I have had a proper conversation with in the past week is my Mum. FML

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By MushyKetchup - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By grossedout - United States

Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML

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By Girlygal32 - 13/9/2020 08:02 - United States

Contagion

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

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By FriendsSuck - United States

Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML

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By sam - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. Walk of shame. FML

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By Weldingtags - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

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By fmlll - United States

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

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By xmassmasher - United States - Ruston

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

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By youmakemesick - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me and then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

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By omaha24 - 29/4/2020 02:00

Birthday blues

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

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By - France

Today, me and my sister hear a buzzing noise in our parent's bedroom. We go to investigate. It's coming from a drawer. We open it up. Battery operated dildo. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

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By overly nationalistic redneck - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

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By heartbreakkid21 - United States

Today, I was on a date with this girl I actually like. The date was going really well and it seemed like it would be a good night. Well while in the movie theater I went to hold her hand and instead she gave me a hand shake and said "You're so funny I'm so glad we're friends". FML

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By sandra22 - France

Today, while skiing, I really needed to pee. The instructor pointed me towards some bushes. I slid over to them, and pulled my panties down. My skis then started sliding back down the slope. I ended up gliding through the bushes, all the way down to the rest of the group. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cypress

Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her brick throwing spot, in my own driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

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By offendedfemme - United States

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

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By prego - United States

Thanks mom, you're the best

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By sarajj - United States - Littleton

Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML

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By wah wah "you raised him" - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML

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By cantgetup - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By Not his SunShine anymore - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over something that happened 5 years ago. We've only been together for 2 years as of this July. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after assuring my best friend that his girlfriend would never cheat on him, I came home to my brother having loud sex with my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By scherzo - United States - Edmond

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

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By lu… - 8/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Monster!

Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

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Top comments

By Zebidee | 8

#2022647 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:29

Nothing screams 'I'm drunk' like trying to act sober in front of your parents.

You think they've never seen a drunk kid before?

By DocBastard | 38

#2022724 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:50

Congratulations on getting caught, idiot. There is no excuse for getting so shit-faced that uncontrolled vomiting ensues, especially in front of your mother. I hope you still live at home so your mother can ground your stupid ass.

COMMENTS

By anonnie | 0

#2022465 - Saturday 29 January 2011 19:59

Haha! YDI :)

Reply

jrsgreenfire257 | 0

#2025124 - Sunday 30 January 2011 15:03

Last one

Reply

dre_bro11 | 12

#2028800 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:15

*Sees 'trying'* *hits YDI*

By aardvarkish | 15

#2022482 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

Score! Way to go!

By missjessicaaaa | 0

#2022486 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:02

I kinda think YDI.

By raha95 | 0

#2022492 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

don't do that

By Phustercluck | 11

#2022493 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

I remember my first beer.

Reply

JCHammer | 5

#2023896 - Sunday 30 January 2011 5:03

You threw up after your first beer? Hmm must be french

By littliemissmeg | 0

#2022496 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:03

Good job. say you have the flu :)

By Bikrbum | 6

#2022531 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:08

Are you sure it was you or Eric from "That 70's Show"?

Reply

PrincessRavishin | 0

#2024417 - Sunday 30 January 2011 9:22

win

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#2022541 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:10

wow, so much for sober

By MrBond007_fml | 6

#2022570 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:14

It tends to be much easier to act sober if you actually are, ydi

By bobjoefredsky | 0

#2022574 - Saturday 29 January 2011 20:16

ewwwwww wtf