Miscellaneous: Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 260

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 123

27/07/2011 23:45

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 127

You deserved it 3 554

You tried

Cute trick, asshole

Bottom of the list

17/05/2015 17:47

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 508

You deserved it 2 192

30/11/2013 19:21

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 365

You deserved it 7 262

09/01/2010 03:45

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 069

You deserved it 2 758

21/08/2012 17:39

Spicy

Today, I walked into the restroom at work, only to find my boss stroking and playing with himself. I have my annual performance assessment with him in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 462

You deserved it 2 323

13/12/2013 21:41

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 702

You deserved it 4 877

23/05/2011 18:12

Today, I got fired from my job at a small start-up company. Why? The CEO wanted to give a job to one of his former fraternity brothers who is out of work, and they couldn't afford to keep us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 215

You deserved it 2 727

30/03/2017 20:00

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 505

You deserved it 952

30/01/2009 00:45

Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo. Damn technology. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 959

You deserved it 27 449

01/03/2013 01:55

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 905

You deserved it 7 339

Beat It

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 06:00

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 168

09/05/2014 18:44

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 928

You deserved it 3 882

19/09/2010 02:54

Today, I got back from a three week trip in the Alaska back-country. I survived climbing fatally steep mountains, white water rafting in a freezing glacier river, and a near bear attack. Despite all that, a badly thrown frisbee managed to split my eyebrow in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 569

You deserved it 4 282

Let 'em in

By Muhd Hazrie - 05/08/2021 18:01

Today, my family decided that we should have our breakfast at a hawker centre, so I passed my house key to my sister as she carries a bag with her. After our meal, she said she was meeting her friend, so we went back home instead, only to realize that the door was locked and my sister had the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 264

You deserved it 716

Roommate From Hell

By bigbuldge - 17/09/2019 00:01

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 136

09/08/2009 23:54

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 736

You deserved it 68 166

13/02/2010 03:30

Today, I caught my boyfriend of 8 years cheating on me. I punched him in the face, he broke up with me. And I still had to cook him an entire turkey dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 632

You deserved it 40 607

24/09/2010 17:06

Today, while waiting on the platform, a blind man asked out loud for some help getting into the subway car. I helped him through the doors and into a seat. I decided to sit down as well. Twenty minutes later, I realized I was on the wrong subway line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 648

You deserved it 6 894

07/05/2013 14:18

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 982

You deserved it 7 413

10/05/2016 02:27

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 748

You deserved it 1 461

28/09/2012 00:19

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 193

You deserved it 5 291

25/05/2013 04:40

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 572

You deserved it 8 283

20/06/2009 17:09

Today, was my high school's senior awards ceremony. Over 400 people were crammed in the hot auditorium. I won five awards and each time I was called up the laughter grew louder. Apparently even the back row could see my pit stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 543

You deserved it 5 340

The Nutcracker

By lalalohan - 17/04/2009 15:19

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 742

You deserved it 64 248

24/03/2011 14:46

Today, while at the mall I opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there. The door just didn't close properly. I hit an elderly woman in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 715

You deserved it 10 051

04/06/2011 09:36

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 626

04/05/2013 01:14

Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 189

You deserved it 3 780

01/05/2015 20:41

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 304

You deserved it 3 632

12/08/2019 22:02

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 526

Who am I?

By Anonymous - 25/07/2020 08:01

Spicy

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 437

Gotcha!

By Anonymous - 08/05/2014 03:57

Today, while at work as a telemarketer, I called a customer on his home phone. Once I was connected, an automated voice said, "To speak with a customer, please press 1." Confused, I pressed one. I then heard loud laughter followed by, "Oh my god! What a dumbass!" before they hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 044

You deserved it 22 736

08/08/2012 11:23

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 424

You deserved it 2 807

02/08/2017 06:00

Today, I woke up to the rickety old ceiling fan above my bed crashing down on top of me. I'm fine, however I am now grounded until I can buy a new ceiling fan to replace the one I "broke". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 913

You deserved it 276

06/11/2009 06:05

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 043

You deserved it 7 493

12/05/2015 16:37

Today, my mother asked me how pasta is harvested. She actually thought it grew out of the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 657

You deserved it 2 522

21/12/2009 15:23

Spicy

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 022

You deserved it 9 863

04/11/2009 08:44

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 866

You deserved it 4 720

28/02/2009 13:08

Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 573

You deserved it 48 047

29/06/2011 16:44

Today, I was told that I may die by the time I'm 30, and that I should Google the disorder because he doesn't know what it is for sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 067

You deserved it 3 443

29/08/2014 15:38

Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 860

You deserved it 12 480

11/07/2011 09:00

Today, it's my birthday. The present I received from my best friend was the exact same necklace which I gave to her for her birthday two months ago. It had been unwrapped and re-wrapped in the same paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 227

You deserved it 4 006

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:04

Hot Pockets are good!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:05

That sounds amazing

Comments

TheBrickWithouse 10

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:02

Consider yourself lucky. That's more than most kids in Africa get.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:05

True, but eating the same thing for a week... Damn. OP, why don't you cook something yourself? Don't be Lazy :D

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:04

Hot Pockets are good!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:01

at least you have a microwave and food =(

Ugi 26

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:46

You might like to add a little fruit to your diet to avoid going scurvy. Beyond that, what's the issue?

wasabiinurvagina 0

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Thursday 28 July 2011 13:15

hot pockets are the bomb!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 15:54

op could just make a sandwich....

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Thursday 28 July 2011 16:12

hot pockets are delicious but give me chronic diarrhea!

Ugi 26

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Thursday 28 July 2011 21:03

35 - I could have lived without knowing that!

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Friday 29 July 2011 5:24

I think I've eaten hot pockets almost every day this summer. maybe twice I've eaten other stuff.

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Friday 29 July 2011 8:03

7- how do you have an iPod or a computer and wifi but no food?? hmm.

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Friday 29 July 2011 9:02

This is 2011...who the fuck doesn't have a microwave by now?

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Wednesday 19 October 2011 6:06

hot pockets are gross, bleh... I'd rather drink cooking oil.

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Saturday 29 October 2011 12:44

Jim gaffigan would be proud

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Tuesday 24 May 2016 6:10

Great chance to learn to cook your own food, Op.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:05

That sounds amazing

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Thursday 28 July 2011 21:50

At least she's not making you eat. "lean pockets" Those things taste like shit.

Quest_ 13

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:24

I believe this is what is referred to as a 'white people problem'.

BrimfullOfAsher 20

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:09

Is it at least an improvement from her regular cooking?

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Thursday 28 July 2011 9:12

Run. Run while you can.

BeautifulDemonKP 4

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:34

hot pockets are yummy but may i ask cant you make your own food?

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Friday 29 July 2011 7:03

really cuz I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:27

Hm, why do I feel that there are a number of solutions to this problem? Such as suggesting other things to cook in a microwave or cooking your own food...

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Thursday 28 July 2011 18:04

soo true they can make their own food

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:26

I love hot pockets!

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Thursday 28 July 2011 10:54

Well you make dinner then, give her a break from the radiation microwaves give off.

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Thursday 28 July 2011 14:39

someone doesn't know how microwaves work...

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Thursday 28 July 2011 15:40

Someone doesn't know that the microwaves a microwave gives off is a form of radiation...

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Thursday 28 July 2011 17:49

they give off radiation

ImaSexualTiger 6

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Thursday 28 July 2011 21:44

Yes they do, that's why pregnant women aren't suppose to stand infront of a running microwave

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Thursday 28 July 2011 21:48

In Ebola's defence, they never say who doesn't know, they just say 'someone'.

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Friday 29 July 2011 0:54

Microwaves emit energy in the electromagnetic spectrum. Alpha, beta, and gamma are the forms of radiation. They are entirely different things. I hate to break it to you kids, but x-rays are also electromagnetic waves and not a form of radiation.

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Friday 29 July 2011 7:13

Technically, everything on the electromagnetic spectrum is considered "radiation". Microwaves are radiation. So are x-rays. So are radio waves. So is the visible light that allows you to see, and the ultraviolet rays that burn your skin. Problem is, when people think of "radiation", they usually think of the harmful ionizing radiation that is emitted by radioactive substances. And microwaves are not one of those.

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Friday 29 July 2011 9:59

What Vexis said really, Ebola; all types of ionising radiation are types of radiation, but not all radiation is ionising.

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Monday 1 August 2011 17:06

My point being that microwaves don't give off dangerous radiation that is transferred to food as the original comment led one to believe. Microwaves do not make the food unsafe due to radiation. The energy transferred is no different than white light heating a black piece of paper. Quite a few people have a misconception about microwaves being unsafe.