Everyone loves a weepie

I was pretty sure you were my wife for a bit because I made her one and I didn’t cry so I was like wtf the irony behind the timing is exquisite

You should memorize the Jim Gaffigan Hot Pockets comedy bit and recite it when he prepares this delicacy.

He'll laugh so hard, he won't notice you tossing the half-frozen junk in the garbage.

This is the comment that made you cringe?

Don't read what I said about the girl with the ugly asshole. It might kill you!

Make him watch the opening speech of the movie “Patton”.

It sounds like there *may* be some underlying issues going on. Or agree with another commenter, watch Patton.

99% sure he is closeted. No straight guy would do that.

I am gay and I don't know any gay guys that would do that.

Yeah there are complete wusses who are into either men or women. Hopefully for his sake he just has something really minor wrong with him like a brain tumor, and it's not just his normal personality.

He needs to see a Doctor. It's no fun to live with those kind of overwhelming reactions (speaking from experience)

sounds like he needs help in the mental health department

My brother wrote a book called The Favored, where the following are arrestable offenses:
Not expressing sufficient gratitude to God for literally everything good you ever get
Not having a working phone attached to your body at any particular time
Generosity (eg, if God wanted them to have money, it would just fall out of the sky and hit them)
Being poor (eg, you must have done something wrong if God doesn't want you to have money)

This marriage doesn't seem much better.

Your brother deserves a swift kick to the nards for writing such bullshit, and you need a smack in the mouth for spreading it.

Maybe his exes took him for granted?, I know I cry too when my current girl thanks me for something.