Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist,... - FML

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

By FML Team - 5/6/2009 21:37

Screenplay by FML

-FML- screenplay by FML Team FADE IN 1. INT. MORDERN OFFICE BLOCK - PRAGUE -- NIGHTSleek surface, lit only by the skyline beyond....

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By Anonymous / Tuesday 5 May 2009 06:21 / United States

No one likes a smart-ass

The opposite of a good idea

Vultures

By kmang33 - 2/4/2010 11:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2010 23:39 - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

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By kelly.duggan - 21/4/2014 04:03 - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

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By gr8terevil - 2/3/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By pissed off mother - 5/5/2016 17:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I was out shopping with my son and unbeknownst to me, he had secretly added a bunch of expensive games he wanted to the trolley. I was too embarrassed at the till to make a fuss as there was a huge line behind me. I watched as my normal £50 shopping bill climbed to over £400. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2009 04:55 - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2018 15:00

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

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By anonymous - 11/8/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

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By great 1st impression - 25/5/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

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By David - 11/10/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Annie's Song

Today, I was finally having a conversation with my granny, who I don't get to see often. First thing she tells me was that she was going to have surgery soon, because her "women's insides" were "dangling out." FML

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By TLT - 16/11/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By Muchacha22 - 20/6/2016 17:25 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 02:01

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting with my boyfriend watching the Super Nanny. He watches the show regularly and said he has learned some of her techniques. Apparently, he uses them on me when I'm acting irrational. FML

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By WhyM3Th0ugh - 10/9/2015 23:21 - United States - Sunnyside

Today, one of my idiot classmates decided it was a good idea to throw his water bottle across the room to his friend. Unfortunately, I was sitting in front of his friend. I now have a very noticeable bruise and bump near my temple along with a headache. Everybody laughed at me. Even the teacher. FML

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By anti88 - 1/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

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By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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By horsefuck - 7/8/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

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By shoelace18 - 6/9/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

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By lemonhead - 23/5/2011 01:58

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2012 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

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By alexander - 8/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

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By missblue97 - 23/12/2016 08:55 - United States

Today, my dad asked my step-mom if he could get some booty before bed because he still had energy. He didn't realize I was still in the room. FML

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By ticketed - 28/8/2012 16:04 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2020 05:00

Issues

Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

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By - 2/12/2019 18:00

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 17:39 - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I checked the facebook event page that I had set up for my 21st birthday at an awesome restaurant/bar which I had set up a week ago. Out of 39 invitees, the only person who said yes is my boyfriend. FML

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By unit - 7/7/2010 04:19 - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

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By bullllllshittttt - 6/3/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

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By Colby - 15/11/2013 16:59 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 01:43 - United States

Today, my husband was looking at a bariatric surgery website and asked him what he was reading. He said, "Oh, your anniversary gift. Surprise!" He wasn't kidding. He got mad when I politely declined his gift, then angrily said "You know, it really hurts when you don't like the things I get you." FML

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By go snope yourself - 26/1/2013 21:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By Username - 7/7/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML

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By Calimero - 26/4/2019 02:00

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

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By kat124ever - 7/1/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By Dsark - 19/2/2014 05:12 - United States - San Diego

Today, during a lecture, my teacher jokingly talked about the time he was best buds with George Washington. Another student then asked, "Really? You knew him?" I'm in an advanced placement U.S. history class. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 17:44 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

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By starcatch777 - 9/5/2011 20:30 - United States

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

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Top comments

By tick_tock | 0

#171093 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:04

Why would you pay for a haircut you hated?

By loto_fml | 3

#171094 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:05

It's what happens when you pay a ridiculous price for something that is otherwise so cheap. I get my hair cut for around $7 and the lady is great.

Comments

By tick_tock | 0

#171093 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:04

Why would you pay for a haircut you hated?

Reply

rubberbandgeek | 0

#463445 - Thursday 6 August 2009 20:52

Well his right why in the efin world would you pay tht gay ass fag tht like Star Trek.
And what the hell is his problem you said trim not I wana look like Spock go back there and beat him STRAIGHT.

Reply

AuriPantz | 0

#626299 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:27

Uh, excuse me? Star Trek is AWESOME. And, please, this is a LITERATE site. So use those 3rd grade grammar and spelling skills.

But, seriously, dude, why pay for something you didn't want?

Reply

metro_mello | 0

#770563 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 20:26

It's not like he has the choice to not pay. They can call the cops on your ass. And as for people saying it's his fault. How does he deserve it? It's not liek you can watch what your hair cutter is doing to your hair like wtf. Honestly there are bad haircutters out in the world. It's not like it's his fault -_-

Reply

blankaex | 0

#900546 - Sunday 28 February 2010 15:43

isnt it live long AND prosper?

Reply

redsox4021 | 0

#984177 - Saturday 24 April 2010 4:35

#279 why are you saying "gay ass fag" that's offensive to some people and you look like an 8 year old with down syndrome.

Reply

victoria4161993 | 0

#1021589 - Sunday 6 June 2010 17:50

well you should have told her what you wanted

Reply

ljesm14 | 1

#2646731 - Thursday 9 June 2011 7:34

don't worry OP.
Spock is sexy :P

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#2950990 - Friday 22 July 2011 11:37

you mean the Vulcan salute

Reply

maz_irken | 6

#3042381 - Friday 5 August 2011 6:40

i would love for a boyfriend to look like Spock.
Not an FML in my opinion :D

Reply

SecretlyADuck | 7

#4043834 - Thursday 16 February 2012 20:24

You mean the .... Go get a girlfriend and move out of your mothers house you sad sad person :)

Reply

chocolatepr | 4

#4292882 - Thursday 12 April 2012 4:48

its pree bad when u know what that sign is.

Reply

PlasmaPorter | 12

#5993253 - Monday 30 June 2014 15:10

That moment when you realize Spock is Sylar from Heroes (awesome Netflix series)

By loto_fml | 3

#171094 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:05

It's what happens when you pay a ridiculous price for something that is otherwise so cheap. I get my hair cut for around $7 and the lady is great.

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#395672 - Tuesday 14 July 2009 16:59

I have my mom do my hair. Put the point remains that YDI for paying so much for that. I mean, what the hell? You could have gone to see Star Trek like 10 times with $60. At least in Nebraska. Probably more expensive in other places.

Reply

stripper_bitch | 0

#404702 - Friday 17 July 2009 14:49

It's $10.25 a ticket in NY (capital district anyway), don't know anywhere else. If you're only paying 6ish, you're lucky in my opinion haha

Reply

kaytee05 | 0

#979822 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 22:30

hahahaha give the sign back to em!(:

Reply

CATastroph1c | 22

#6467166 - Sunday 22 November 2015 4:19

#296 That is what they put...

By Singularity_fml | 0

#171101 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:07

Do you have black hair?

By eff_mi_lyfe | 0

#171103 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:07

may the fourth be with you!

Reply

yowler18 | 0

#402495 - Thursday 16 July 2009 20:48

Dude, Wrong movie. May the fourth be with you is Star WARS, not star trek.

Reply

picky_and_bitter | 0

#412623 - Monday 20 July 2009 6:18

lol she's number 4. may the FOURTH be with you. i get it.

Reply

Tess_fml | 7

#515920 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 7:58

Still, wrong movie. FAIL.

Reply

blackheart115 | 0

#523574 - Saturday 29 August 2009 6:47

It's force, not fourth....but yeah, #4

Reply

popoman | 0

#706087 - Saturday 5 December 2009 17:37

Way to not get it, blackheart.

Reply

poisonfrog7 | 2

#711213 - Wednesday 9 December 2009 4:32

im guessing you read that on MLIA. may fourth is clearly national star wars day because of it.

By Horde | 8

#171107 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:09

YDI for paying ridiculous price for a hair you don't even like.. Why the hell didn't you tell the stylist to change it?

Reply

RubixMonkey | 0

#613205 - Saturday 10 October 2009 9:19

Yeah Op, you're a boy, just do a buzz cut.

Reply

maz_irken | 6

#3042392 - Friday 5 August 2011 6:42

thor hammer?

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#171109 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:09

If this is posted three times, I'm sorry because my computer is fucking me in the ass right now.
I would get that haircut on purpose. Leonard Nimoy is a god.
@4, you just made the first acceptable number post in the history of FML.

Reply

ipod_addict | 0

#2025192 - Sunday 30 January 2011 15:27

coolstorybro

Reply

ALlamaOnFire | 20

#4793326 - Thursday 9 August 2012 17:38

They didn't cause it's the wrong movie.

By mfed1120 | 0

#171110 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:09

but yesterday was "may the fourth be with you" day.
YDI
just because you paid for something I'm guessing you did not want.

By AndreaKina | 0

#171112 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:09

hahaha aww i feel for u. But u know, u could always get people to pay for taking their picture with u, the STAR TREKKER. And u could earn money off of ur stupid haircut and people get a picture and all is good "D

By poeticpunk77 | 0

#171120 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:13

Unless you didn't look in the mirror before leaving the hair place, then you could've done something about the haircut. Sorry, but you get no sympathy from me.

By Jimboom | 11

#171122 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 16:14

Why would you pay for it? If you didn't like the haircut then get them to change it or complain. Either way you will get your money back or a different haircut.