By goodgrief - 30/10/2013 18:28 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy
Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML
I agree, your life sucks 51 820
You deserved it 8 746

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What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.

The real FML here is... How did she know that you masturbate? 0_o

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What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.

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@14, do people typically masturbate at family reunions? I wouldn't imagine that your family is a turn on..

Tell that to my parents

#1, I'd say 6 hours a day or more might count as excessive. Doing it at the dinner table, likewise. Eating is perfectly natural, but the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is disgusting. The OP should look to see if Nathan's sponsors a Hot Dog Pulling Contest.

Does anybody else remember the FML where the guy was jacking off at a family reunion and they all heard him over the baby monitor?

Sounds like that also damaged your self esteem. Sorry OP, maybe try being quieter?

This. It sucks that your mom outed you like that op - but HOW THE FRICK DOES SHE KNOW?!? How obvious are you being in this "excessive masturbation" venture? I agree with #2. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

Mommy's just worried about her little slugger

Or her little tugger!

The real FML here is... How did she know that you masturbate? 0_o

Right. I mean, it'd be slightly less demeaning if OP's mom was only assuming that; but the fact that she KNOWS leads me to think that there's a darker something going on behind the scenes in his mom's mind...

How did she know? Because all boys masturbate excessively. ALL of them. The ones who say they don't are lying.

Doc- I hate it when boys say they don't masturbate. Don't lie. Everybody does, and everybody knows you do. It's only abnormal if you don't.

Okay, that annoys me. Yes, almost all boys do it. But not ever single one. I never did. I never felt the urge to. I'm also asexual, but that doesn't make me not a boy. So you're wrong.

Tell her that her excessive stupidity will damage her brain cells.

I think you have this backwards. Excessive stupidity is caused by damaged brain cells, not the other way around. Granted, stupidity can also damage brain cells through the actions it causes you to take. lol

well it's a mother's job to worry about her child.

not at the family reunion, though.

And not about that aspect of his life...

I feel sorry that you take life this serious.

Tennis elbow...

Yea, and carpal tunnel.

How is it that she knows you do this so often? Is it that evident at home.

Unless he announces it. "Well I've had enough of this, times for a wank." And his mum immediately jumps on twitter. Poor silly OP!

Because those aren't Jackson Pollock paintings on his wall!

You might have to let her know then in front of them how worried you are about her excessive drinking and obviousness

Don't be ridiculous! Before you cause nerve damage, you'll get crippling tendinitis ... and calluses. Don't ask me how I know;)