Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me jerking it in her bathroom. I'm a 40 year-old man and she's 68. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
Wowxoxo 17
What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.
Star928 7
The real FML here is... How did she know that you **********? 0_o
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Comments (80)
Wowxoxo 17
What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.
Gingerette 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
OP was probably jerking it at the reunion...
BlueRainDude 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Yea maybe OP's a savage and was doing it during the reunion
gczizza1997 15
@14, do people typically ********** at family reunions? I wouldn't imagine that your family is a turn on..
ECHOSPiiKES 19
Tell that to my parents
perdix 29
#1, I'd say 6 hours a day or more might count as excessive. Doing it at the dinner table, likewise. Eating is perfectly natural, but the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest is disgusting. The OP should look to see if Nathan's sponsors a Hot Dog Pulling Contest.
CallMeWindSock 24
Does anybody else remember the FML where the guy was jacking off at a family reunion and they all heard him over the baby monitor?
bethluvsyou 15
Sounds like that also damaged your self esteem. Sorry OP, maybe try being quieter?
PenguinForDinner 16
This. It sucks that your mom outed you like that op - but HOW THE FRICK DOES SHE KNOW?!? How obvious are you being in this "excessive masturbation" venture? I agree with #2. Keep it secret. Keep it safe.
i_wuz_nver_here 31
Mommy's just worried about her little slugger
phatdaddy62 23
Or her little tugger!
Star928 7
The real FML here is... How did she know that you **********? 0_o
Gingerette 8
Right. I mean, it'd be slightly less demeaning if OP's mom was only assuming that; but the fact that she KNOWS leads me to think that there's a darker something going on behind the scenes in his mom's mind...
DocBastard 38
How did she know? Because all boys ********** excessively. ALL of them. The ones who say they don't are lying.
fucMyLifeSoHard 18
Doc- I hate it when boys say they don't **********. Don't lie. Everybody does, and everybody knows you do. It's only abnormal if you don't.
floatablebullet 7
Moms know all
SilverInGray 25
Okay, that annoys me. Yes, almost all boys do it. But not ever single one. I never did. I never felt the urge to. I'm also asexual, but that doesn't make me not a boy. So you're wrong.
Sandsh8rk 36
Tell her that her excessive stupidity will damage her brain cells.
rosenkrieger223 24
I think you have this backwards. Excessive stupidity is caused by damaged brain cells, not the other way around. Granted, stupidity can also damage brain cells through the actions it causes you to take. lol
Faff 20
well it's a mother's job to worry about her child.
MCRaddict15 15
not at the family reunion, though.
rosenkrieger223 24
And not about that aspect of his life...
Faff 20
I feel sorry that you take life this serious.
sirradel 14
Tennis elbow...
cakefete2 30
Yea, and carpal tunnel.
FrankHotpants 31
How is it that she knows you do this so often? Is it that evident at home.
ForbiddenDestiny 20
Unless he announces it. "Well I've had enough of this, times for a wank." And his mum immediately jumps on twitter. Poor silly OP!
phatdaddy62 23
Because those aren't Jackson Pollock paintings on his wall!
Pstraka6 20
You might have to let her know then in front of them how worried you are about her excessive drinking and obviousness
perdix 29
Don't be ridiculous! Before you cause nerve damage, you'll get crippling tendinitis ... and calluses. Don't ask me how I know;)