Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me jerking it in her bathroom. I'm a 40 year-old man and she's 68. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
Wowxoxo 17
What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.
Star928 7
The real FML here is... How did she know that you **********? 0_o
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Comments (80)
buckdharma 37
Good grief, I don't care that you live with Snoopy, it's not The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, you blockhead!
bobo_the_bear 5
Well that's ok. We all have hobbies OP.
MasqueradePrince 25
Just blame it on her being drunk and not fully there...
dukie420 4
Dude wtf is up with your profile pic
jonahwalzer 12
Mom of the year right there
AKAR2521 4
you should be a bit more secretive, thats weird you mom knows you ********** a lot.
drake_b3 12
How does she know?
kellyem2 20
While this is definitely awkward for you, she's definitely right about the risks involved with constant masturbation. Granted, it takes kind of a lot to get to that point, but it is still within the realm of possibility.
ben_e_boy28 4
No such thing as excessive masturbation ;)
adh123 3
She was probably clued in by the crusty socks, and hand towels left bedside; or the entire box of facial tissues being depleted in a day.
martin8337 35
And your palms may get hairy too.
tman1985 9
Mr Chitlin, is that you?