Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me jerking it in her bathroom. I'm a 40 year-old man and she's 68. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
Wowxoxo 17
What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.
Star928 7
The real FML here is... How did she know that you **********? 0_o
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Comments (80)
tehdarkness 21
Perhaps you ought to be more discreet?
mikepzz 27
Must be a long stroke to damage the nerves in your arm.. Grats bud!
qwapteam 8
Talk about a dick move
worldclassrager 39
My question is how did she know that? Being drunk she made it up...just keep track so one arm doesn't get bigger than the otherzxx
an3ph 20
Naw. But you will soon be unbeatable at arm wrestling.
bayliebug 14
I just wanna know why your mom knows how often you **********. :/ Or maybe she's like my mom, and just likes to embarrass you by making silly things up.
Joedbag 8
I've gotta hand it to her, she's certainly gotten you into a sticky situation...
DanielleinDC 33
Next time your mom pulls a stunt like that, you could say you're worried about her excessive drinking, which is also pretty unhealthy.
vikky538 28
is your doggy barking while u do it...that's one of the ways she found out.
culito_fml 10
Well... Did you give her a reason to think that? Or was it purely the alcohol..