Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me jerking it in her bathroom. I'm a 40 year-old man and she's 68. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
Wowxoxo 17
What's her definition of "excessive"? Masturbation is perfectly normal.
Star928 7
The real FML here is... How did she know that you **********? 0_o
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Comments (80)
Vnzlan_girl 10
Maybe you should close the door and use headphones. lol
hockeygoalie13 15
If you're talking about while he's masturbating that wouldn't help because then he wouldn't be able to hear how loud he's being. The best option would be to turn music on out loud to hide the sound from his mom.
hockeygoalie13 15
Also, if you're talking about getting away from the family and muffling the sound of his mom talking about him, I don't think that would be very comforting. Then he doesn't hear what she's saying and gets to wonder about it later instead of standing up for himself.
EvilLittleMan 23
Stuff a sock in your mouth when it's time to discipline the monkey.
PenguinBitch 43
Or spank the ferret.
Welshite 39
Or pet the duck. Edit: Oops, sorry. I thought we were talking about actual animals here.
PenguinBitch 43
We weren't?!
graceinsheepwear 33
If you pet the duck too roughly, you'll quack it.
DanielleinDC 33
Or bash the bishop.
dukie420 4
You could always "wax the carrot"
emirie 21
If your mother knows you ********** that much, maybe she's right to be concerned. You should probably stop letting your mom catch you.
phatdaddy62 23
Maybe Mommy catching him is what puts the pop into his masturbating.
buttcramp 21
well are you masturbating all the ****** time? or is she just trippin'?
cakefete2 30
With that name, I wonder what you might be doing too much of.
leloxive 4
Maybe she is jealous that she doesnt get as much satisfaction out of hers...
chilevmv 7
She shouldn't be so hard on you ..
cinderelessar 5
Wanker
JMichael 25
Thanks mom.
djPanda 8
We'll... Do you
PandaBurst 10
Exactly how much is "excessive"? And why does your mom know how much you **********?