Miscellaneous: Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 102

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 110

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 41

18/12/2015 17:49

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 912

You deserved it 1 886

Leave us alone

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Thanks, government

15/06/2009 11:23

Spicy

Today, I finally got a chance to try out my vibrator. I've never orgasmed before with a guy, so I thought there was no hope until my friend gave me the vibrator for my birthday. It was going amazing, better than sex. I was literally 2 seconds away from climaxing when the battery suddenly died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 040

You deserved it 14 938

17/04/2019 14:00

Today, while working at a grocery store, I spent about 30 minutes pushing carts inside in a blizzard. Not even 10 minutes after I had finished, I looked out the window and saw that not only had the snow completely stopped, but the sun was shining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 876

You deserved it 157

10/01/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 288

You deserved it 1 866

Help!

By technicallywroteabook - 21/08/2015 05:15

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 012

You deserved it 17 260

15/01/2009 11:14

Today, I realized I spend way too much time on the computer. I grabbed the menu at the restaurant, glanced at the page, and tried to do CTRL+F to find seafood. Geek coming through! FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 990

You deserved it 29 782

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Lexi - 04/09/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 749

You deserved it 565

04/12/2013 21:15

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 435

You deserved it 4 223

04/10/2009 19:33

Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 051

You deserved it 3 548

21/05/2010 05:04

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 409

You deserved it 4 268

31/12/2012 18:13

Today, my boyfriend knocked into me with his car. I drove myself to the hospital because he couldn't stop laughing long enough to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 161

You deserved it 3 126

13/09/2010 16:03

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 180

You deserved it 2 917

Back and forth and back again

By Anonymous - 07/01/2015 19:37

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over a stupid argument, but after a long day we made up and got back together. Not long afterwards, my friend called, feeling guilty and confessing that he had sex with her after finding out she'd dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 025

You deserved it 3 828

Overreaction Man

By Anonymous - 07/04/2021 23:00

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He told me not to worry, he’d pay child support until it’s 18, and he’d be moved out of our flat by Friday. When I asked him why, he told me not to be stupid, no way was he being trapped into raising a kid. He didn’t even ask if it was a boy or girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 607

Bad influence

By Anonymous - 22/01/2015 18:27

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 218

You deserved it 3 166

14/01/2016 22:21

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 446

You deserved it 1 882

28/02/2009 20:57

Today, I got a 31% on a Chinese test at school. I moved here to New Jersey from China two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 398

You deserved it 19 279

29/12/2012 01:23

Today, after spending a lot of money on photo shoots to build up my portfolio, I finally got an offer from a modelling agency. I ran outside to tell my parents, only for my brother to hurl an iced snowball straight into my face. I now have a huge gash over my cheek and nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 964

You deserved it 4 401

23/04/2011 21:26

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 071

You deserved it 10 647

01/07/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 845

You deserved it 678

08/02/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 446

You deserved it 7 971

05/02/2009 14:06

Spicy

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 194

You deserved it 26 780

06/09/2016 18:54

Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 013

You deserved it 825

14/06/2016 21:22

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 454

You deserved it 1 183

14/07/2014 17:45

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 171

You deserved it 5 588

07/06/2019 20:00

Today, I had to go pick up my mother at 3 in the morning. She had been out drinking and couldn't drive. She parties more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 393

You deserved it 191

11/06/2016 19:04

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 461

You deserved it 1 759

26/05/2019 06:11

Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 294

Crazy people

By NoHipster - 03/06/2020 05:02

Today, while I was waiting for a bus, a nutjob-looking dude walked up to me, then hissed, "You hipster scum, you don't even need those glasses," before forcibly removing them and snapping them in half. I was wearing regular clothes, and those prescription glasses cost me $500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 019

You deserved it 111

07/07/2013 21:57

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 396

You deserved it 9 840

29/02/2012 18:21

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 175

You deserved it 31 816

DIY Haircuts

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 04:01

Today, I cut my own hair. It looks great. Absolutely professional. From the front, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 269

You deserved it 652

21/10/2013 04:18

Today, my son came home for the fifth time saying he didn't get the job, wondering what he did wrong. I looked at his resumé; under special skills was, "Keeping it real." Apparently he saw it in a movie and thought it would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 107

You deserved it 5 431

10/01/2009 05:39

Today, my alarm went off. I snoozed it, and went on to dream that I got out of bed, did my business, brushed my teeth, took my breakfast, changed into my working attire, and was ready for work that morning. My alarm rang a second time, I had to do all that over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 542

You deserved it 4 372

04/11/2017 15:00

Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school. We're sitting in the emergency room now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 597

You deserved it 253

Thanks a bunch

By nose hurts - 30/12/2012 01:01

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 559

You deserved it 3 462

11/09/2009 11:57

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 556

You deserved it 4 732

01/11/2012 21:18

Today, while studying liver pathology and highlighting important lines in my textbook, I realized that I could count the number of words I hadn't highlighted on one hand, over the last six pages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 359

You deserved it 8 860

It's not the size that counts

By Leo Scofield - 29/08/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 904

You deserved it 131

12/06/2009 16:49

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 662

You deserved it 13 236

22/04/2015 15:44

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 064

You deserved it 2 460

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Top comments

Psycocharger 19

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:48

What did I just read...?

XxNekoLovexX 26

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:48

Well that's vile. Spray him with Liquid Ass and see if he likes that

Comments

colton_colton 49

Saturday 19 December 2015 14:45

Maybe he should sleep on the couch for a bit

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Saturday 19 December 2015 20:10

Maybe she should. If shes the one that's unhappy..

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Sunday 20 December 2015 0:12

40 - So you'd be happy intentionally having to inhale smelly farts in a regular basis? Normal people aren't happy about that.

ww431 15

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:46

Go to war!

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Saturday 19 December 2015 18:38

egg salad and ribs...

freddygasman 18

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Saturday 19 December 2015 20:04

if you're lactose intolerant, a warm glass of milk will help you sleep

ThrottleJockey 34

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Sunday 20 December 2015 4:38

Beer, eggs, milk, and broccoli.

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:47

He's put way too much thought into that

everythingelena 28

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:47

you might wanna grab some Febreeze OP just in case it gets bad.

XxNekoLovexX 26

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:48

Well that's vile. Spray him with Liquid Ass and see if he likes that

Psycocharger 19

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:48

What did I just read...?

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Saturday 19 December 2015 15:08

"Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML" Does that clear things up?

shay_serendipity 29

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Saturday 19 December 2015 21:22

That clears up the FML, but unfortunately for OP it does not clear the air under those sheets..

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:49

One would assume that he ate the chicken because he liked it.

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Saturday 19 December 2015 18:25

No, it's not because he likes the chicken, he just wants spicy chicken farts.

truckers_wife 23

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:50

so he'd rather push you away with daily stinky gas than make himself presentable? obviously if you're married you'll see each others ugly sides occasionally but that doesn't mean you should stop trying.

Dick_diamond 22

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:51

He should lock himself in the closet after eating that chicken so he can smell them for a long time..

Calingaladha 21

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Saturday 19 December 2015 14:54

I think he might be planning a Dutch oven assault. Be wary, OP.