Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have... - FML

21/02/2011 05:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 829

You deserved it 14 856

And today, on Dr Phil…

Dementia or hate? You decide

Don't hate the playa…

07/05/2009 11:36 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 144

You deserved it 152 825

04/08/2009 00:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by a loud noise, which I thought was an earthquake. It sounded like a car had driven right into my living room. Which was exactly what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 229

You deserved it 2 663

01/10/2009 06:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was talking to my best friend. After admitting to me that he's gay, I gave him a hug for support and comfort, feeling his erection on my upper thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 673

You deserved it 5 469

28/05/2013 11:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 422

You deserved it 48 274

22/08/2012 20:08 - United States

Today, I realized how much I hate my girlfriend, when I got excited as the doctor told me I should refrain from having sex for the next two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 743

You deserved it 31 269

21/01/2016 18:09 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 593

You deserved it 1 225

21/08/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 902

You deserved it 2 454

24/01/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 709

You deserved it 36 213

25/12/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 230

You deserved it 2 245

24/04/2012 21:28 - United States - Needham

Today, my parents went out of town and I was home all alone. I put up party decorations such as streamers, balloons and confetti. Then, I drank out of red cups, crushed them up and put them all over the house. I didn't have a party, I just wanted to convince my family that I'm not a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 835

You deserved it 19 729

07/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 361

You deserved it 3 608

Wanker

By oops - 09/02/2009 05:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, I can't decide what's worse, my mom walking in on me doing the five knuckle shuffle, or the one hour talk the next day about how it's perfectly normal and even she does it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 275

You deserved it 8 827

Cute nickname

By Anonymous - 23/06/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 224

You deserved it 492

29/08/2015 11:28 - United States - Manhattan Beach

Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. Now she's threatening to kill herself if I don't forgive her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 874

You deserved it 2 090

02/06/2012 10:24 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Spicy

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 176

You deserved it 32 561

14/06/2019 02:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got a targeted YouTube ad that was intended for someone who owns a graveyard plot. Glad to know my watching habits match those of an undertaker's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 297

You deserved it 220

21/10/2009 13:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. She had put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 766

You deserved it 4 623

30/09/2015 13:13

Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 592

You deserved it 2 934

08/02/2012 05:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 671

You deserved it 4 630

26/09/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 692

You deserved it 3 254

09/07/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 797

You deserved it 5 556

Get with the times

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 14:00

Today, I went to mediation with 5 managers and a coworker I do not get along with. Everyone in the room was at least 20 years younger than me, and the entire meeting was them telling me to drag myself into the present century and basically do whatever the younger, "smarter" people say, or else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 850

You deserved it 318

15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 026

You deserved it 3 922

06/08/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 251

07/01/2013 20:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 588

You deserved it 3 282

04/07/2016 09:46 - United States - Bellerose

Today, like every year, my next-door neighbors started setting off their fireworks at exactly midnight. Also, like every year, the sensitive car alarm belonging to another neighbor has gone off with every firework. It's been almost six hours of nonstop alarms and explosions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 659

You deserved it 1 105

22/12/2016 03:32

Today, despite having glowing recommendations, stellar grades, and an impressive resumé, I was rejected by all 15 colleges that I applied to. No explanation or reasons have been given, and it's too late to apply to any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 769

You deserved it 920

18/01/2010 17:05 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my freshly dry-cleaned $200 suit not on my bed. Instead I found my drunk ex-girlfriend. Not only did she break into my house, she decided that she wanted to sleep in my bed and threw my suit into the trash. I have a job interview today and the garbage men already came. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 313

You deserved it 2 992

14/08/2013 00:08 - United States - Pawtucket

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 983

You deserved it 3 545

30/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 063

You deserved it 7 349

19/08/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 540

You deserved it 4 991

14/09/2009 09:41 - South Africa

Today, my boyfriend gave me a poem saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, rubbish is dumped and so are you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 998

You deserved it 4 362

26/05/2013 08:33 - United States - Long Beach

Today, the vet sent me an email wishing my kitten a happy 2nd birthday. My cat died last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 513

You deserved it 4 168

30/04/2014 22:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 652

You deserved it 4 215

Happy…?

By JustCantWin - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I called my parents to wish them a happy 28th anniversary. Now my mom's mad at my dad for forgetting, and my dad's mad at me for reminding her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 085

You deserved it 3 874

16/01/2012 20:02 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 995

You deserved it 4 200

03/08/2016 05:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 278

You deserved it 2 739

25/09/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 741

You deserved it 5 511

13/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 715

You deserved it 216

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 104

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Top comments

sthrr 6

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:06

and she didn't feel the need to hang up? Ew..

crystal_james 0

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:11

The fact that your mom was listening to you have phone sex is pretty disturbing. But YDI for using the home phone...

Comments

relyo 0

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:04

That's why I always use a cellphone when I have phone sex with my girlfriend.

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:30

But for those of us who don't have a subscription, that can be very expensive.

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:55

win!

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Monday 21 February 2011 17:09

your moms a perv if she didn't just hang up...

a123bubblyblonde 0

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:39

I just found out today my mom and i use the same vibrator.... and i also found out she has herpes FML

longrodvonhugend_fml 0

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:42

bullshit

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:11

i agree with 45 thats just wrong of your mom to stay on the line quiet for that long...either she could have said something right from the start or hang up

Skroal_stomper 5

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Thursday 24 February 2011 22:47

Me too. only Cellphone use during phone sex with my mom.

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Monday 14 March 2011 4:13

truss

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Friday 26 August 2011 16:48

You have a gf #1? lol!

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 7:37

I don't think u have one

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Sunday 11 August 2013 0:57

Did anyone else catch what #86 said? "Only a cell phone use during phone sex with my mom."..... wtf? Lol.

sthrr 6

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:06

and she didn't feel the need to hang up? Ew..

CelesteRenee93 0

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Monday 21 February 2011 14:58

my thoughts exactly!

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Monday 21 February 2011 21:26

thinking the same

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Monday 21 February 2011 23:32

2 profile picture hotness win :D OP YDI for havin phone sex on a house phone idiot?!

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Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:33

why the hell did she keep listining any way thats realy creepy i would just hang up

NOTquiteRAMBO 10

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Thursday 8 December 2011 0:34

WINCEST!

crystal_james 0

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:11

The fact that your mom was listening to you have phone sex is pretty disturbing. But YDI for using the home phone...

thisismyname_fml 1

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Monday 21 February 2011 16:58

my thoughts exactly.

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:20

And your mom didn't have the nerve to hang up?

FUGYU 2

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Monday 21 February 2011 13:05

win

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:21

your mom is creepy.

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Sunday 6 March 2011 7:40

yeah lol

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:34

She wanted in on the action.

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Monday 21 February 2011 18:19

she just wanted to make sure they knew what they were doing, they probably found out it was her when she said no no your doing it all wrong.

xoxoMEGANxoxo 13

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Saturday 26 February 2011 21:53

haha

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:38

Next time ask your girl friend if she wants to have a 3 sum with your mom. Then see what your mother says to that.

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:41

Next time ask your girl friend if she wants to have a 3 sum with your mom. then she if your ease droper of a mom has to say.

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:42

this is...wrong. nothing further. |the kid|

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Monday 21 February 2011 20:41

I was thinking it was right in all the wrong ways.

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:48

That must have been some good phone sex if your mom was even getting off on it. So what tipped you off that she was on the other end? The low moaning? The shouting of your daddy's name when she climaxed?

bigredmonkeybutt 25

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Monday 21 February 2011 12:58

omg ewww. worse she screamed her son's name lol.

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Tuesday 19 July 2011 6:24

lmao

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 42

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 108