Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have...

By anonymous - 21/2/2011 05:01

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

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Intimacy

Deep-seated resentment

Breaking Badly

Non-baby fever

By ._. - 5/6/2013 00:08 - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2015 00:44 - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

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By Mandy - 17/9/2011 00:25 - Canada

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:33 - United States - North Little Rock

Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML

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By pridekills - 19/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Mulberry

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2014 18:48 - United States - North Andover

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to bend my iPhone 6 like there's no tomorrow. FML

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By christiner - 6/9/2010 03:01 - France

Today, I was at work and was confronted by a customer wanting to get a "Nemo" fish. I explained that 'Nemo' needs to live in saltwater, not freshwater, like their tank was. The customer then turns around and grabs a perforated tank divider and says, "Can't I just split them up with this?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

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By HelpMe1 - 6/11/2014 06:53 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

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By nomorepetbird - 6/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By Pooper scooper - 28/1/2014 08:22 - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By aragmir - 18/12/2016 06:10 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By awkwardgayboi - 11/3/2009 18:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 11:00 - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

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By FranchezDeVista - 30/8/2015 18:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 22:33 - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

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By M_Kclift1994 - 20/1/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

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By surefeelslikelove - 6/6/2011 16:01

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

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By koanroak - 22/6/2015 03:08 - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By daniel55 - 18/2/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - 26/12/2013 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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By OneYearMistake. - 22/7/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

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By ReComatosed242 - 9/3/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

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By oicwydt - 31/1/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She said "Sure!". FML

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By lance - 12/3/2010 12:10 - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 03:01 - United Kingdom

Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

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By RedFaced - 27/5/2016 00:11 - Netherlands - Capelle Aan Den Ijssel

Today, I discovered the effect the cream has that my mom gave me. It was for my acne and it worked, in a way. Instead of having a lot of little pimples, I now just have a few gigantic ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By shitty candles - 1/12/2014 07:30 - United States - Issaquah

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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By Disturbed - 30/12/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - 22/2/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By BGood - 21/12/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

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By WOWBear - 5/6/2013 09:46 - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 05:56 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Understanding

Today, it was my dad's 60th. I was planning on calling him early, but due to a client (I'm a social worker) ending up in hospital because her husband beat her up, I couldn't call him until 2:30. My mum phoned me in tears, yelling that I was a bad daughter and obviously didn't care about my dad. FML

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By Deedee - 28/3/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

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By lisa321 - 2/4/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, I went to Starbucks to get coffee. The employees told me that there was no more coffee. I started cursing at them and told them that I am in a really big hurry, and that I need coffee every day. They had been yelling back the whole time. Little did I realize, they were saying April Fool's. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 00:01

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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Top comments

By sthrr | 6

#2107005 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:06

and she didn't feel the need to hang up?
Ew..

By crystal_james | 0

#2107020 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:11

The fact that your mom was listening to you have phone sex is pretty disturbing. But YDI for using the home phone...

COMMENTS

By relyo | 0

#2107002 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:04

That's why I always use a cellphone when I have phone sex with my girlfriend.

DjeePee | 24

#2107063 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:30

But for those of us who don't have a subscription, that can be very expensive.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2107120 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:55

win!

thefriendlyc | 0

#2107696 - Monday 21 February 2011 17:09

your moms a perv if she didn't just hang up...

a123bubblyblonde | 0

#2109390 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:39

I just found out today my mom and i use the same vibrator.... and i also found out she has herpes FML

longrodvonhugend_fml | 0

#2109398 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:42

bullshit

bariforlife | 0

#2110614 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:11

i agree with 45 thats just wrong of your mom to stay on the line quiet for that long...either she could have said something right from the start or hang up

Skroal_stomper | 5

#2119474 - Thursday 24 February 2011 22:47

Me too. only Cellphone use during phone sex with my mom.

poiuytjfffc | 0

#2178374 - Monday 14 March 2011 4:13

truss

bevsta | 7

#3182915 - Friday 26 August 2011 16:48

You have a gf #1? lol!

jdude2913 | 0

#3588428 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 7:37

I don't think u have one

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5622008 - Sunday 11 August 2013 0:57

Did anyone else catch what #86 said? "Only a cell phone use during phone sex with my mom."..... wtf? Lol.

By sthrr | 6

#2107005 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:06

and she didn't feel the need to hang up?
Ew..

CelesteRenee93 | 0

#2107345 - Monday 21 February 2011 14:58

my thoughts exactly!

cudgel1023 | 0

#2108488 - Monday 21 February 2011 21:26

thinking the same

nbk1405 | 0

#2108749 - Monday 21 February 2011 23:32

2 profile picture hotness win :D
OP YDI for havin phone sex on a house phone idiot?!

krazygirl100 | 9

#2297703 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:33

why the hell did she keep listining any way thats realy creepy i would just hang up

NOTquiteRAMBO | 10

#3699352 - Thursday 8 December 2011 0:34

WINCEST!

By crystal_james | 0

#2107020 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:11

The fact that your mom was listening to you have phone sex is pretty disturbing. But YDI for using the home phone...

thisismyname_fml | 1

#2107669 - Monday 21 February 2011 16:58

my thoughts exactly.

By sierracn97 | 5

#2107036 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:20

And your mom didn't have the nerve to hang up?

FUGYU | 2

#2107136 - Monday 21 February 2011 13:05

win

By alki_fml | 5

#2107040 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:21

your mom is creepy.

Grahamcracka | 0

#2154086 - Sunday 6 March 2011 7:40

yeah lol

By chrstygrl06 | 10

#2107071 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:34

She wanted in on the action.

coderedz | 0

#2107897 - Monday 21 February 2011 18:19

she just wanted to make sure they knew what they were doing, they probably found out it was her when she said no no your doing it all wrong.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2126122 - Saturday 26 February 2011 21:53

haha

By jokesta187 | 11

#2107082 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:38

Next time ask your girl friend if she wants to have a 3 sum with your mom. Then see what your mother says to that.

By jokesta187 | 11

#2107092 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:41

Next time ask your girl friend if she wants to have a 3 sum with your mom. then she if your ease droper of a mom has to say.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2107095 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:42

this is...wrong.

nothing further.

|the kid|

TheDrifter | 23

#2108351 - Monday 21 February 2011 20:41

I was thinking it was right in all the wrong ways.

By Jimboom | 11

#2107104 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:48

That must have been some good phone sex if your mom was even getting off on it.
So what tipped you off that she was on the other end? The low moaning? The shouting of your daddy's name when she climaxed?

bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#2107124 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:58

omg ewww. worse she screamed her son's name lol.

bms1996 | 12

#2927819 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 6:24

lmao