Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have...

By anonymous - 21/2/2011 05:01

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41777

You deserved it

14824

Favorite

Intimacy

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Compassion

Live dumping

By OperaLover - 12/9/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32005

You deserved it

3442

Favorite

By WildShortstop13 - 28/1/2015 22:20 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20247

You deserved it

13183

Favorite

By Badnewca - 14/5/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42001

You deserved it

5178

Favorite

By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1682

You deserved it

400

Favorite

By Anonim23 - 15/8/2019 20:00

Today, the spiders in my house are so big that they catch wasps in their webs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1480

You deserved it

206

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 02:00

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1790

You deserved it

788

Favorite

By girlfriday - 11/6/2009 15:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64960

You deserved it

3496

Favorite

By quietsleeper - 13/10/2009 11:07 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37336

You deserved it

2941

Favorite

By rimenrezon - 6/1/2015 14:10 - United States - Tampa

Today, someone tried to break into my dorm room while I was in class. Ramming the metal door with their shoulder just dented it, so they pissed on my welcome mat and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33792

You deserved it

2460

Favorite

By Smile No More - 13/5/2011 12:27

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34039

You deserved it

5937

Favorite

By ThankYou! - 22/12/2015 05:50 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet a guy that i had already started to be involved with at a bar. We laughed, kissed and had a great time, until he admitted he was just doing all of this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Guess who was waiting for me outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23670

You deserved it

1952

Favorite

By Ayeya - 4/6/2009 21:14 - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9737

You deserved it

73950

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 16:28 - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9954

You deserved it

22358

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1509

You deserved it

622

Favorite

By Jaymz - 26/6/2018 15:00

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3233

You deserved it

2222

Favorite

By ailat0107 - 31/5/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50021

You deserved it

5617

Favorite

By idiot says "you raised him" - 31/5/2014 21:30 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57049

You deserved it

7929

Favorite

By dumpedtaco - 18/2/2018 19:00

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4733

You deserved it

349

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 15:08 - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12250

You deserved it

4441

Favorite

By pi_power_15 - 11/8/2015 03:25 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23630

You deserved it

2803

Favorite

By iamshrimpy - 8/1/2010 06:24 - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook with a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24952

You deserved it

5961

Favorite

By ugh - 30/9/2011 19:45 - United States

Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31282

You deserved it

3492

Favorite

By P DarklyKira - 6/5/2020 17:00

Broken bum

Today, marks the 29th day since I missed my haemorrhoid surgery. They told me to wait because it's not life threatening and so that I don't get the virus going to the hospital, which I understand. The problem is, even though I take suppositories, it hurts badly and bleed each time I have to take a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1596

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By xxteenhearts - 29/5/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I seemingly misplaced my cell phone but didn't have time to look for it before work. This evening, my cell phone company calls me to tell me I have six hundred dollars worth of calls to El Salvador that I have to pay for. My cell phone was not misplaced, it was stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45979

You deserved it

4143

Favorite

By alipallie - 10/3/2014 00:36 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, after running across London to catch my train, I collapsed, panting, into a seat across from a concerned elderly woman. She leaned over to ask whether I had my inhaler and I smiled and nodded. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not asthmatic, just really unfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39019

You deserved it

7021

Favorite

By ilikecake - 29/5/2009 11:12 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16325

You deserved it

53231

Favorite

By j1hill33 - 14/7/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34969

You deserved it

2341

Favorite

By Whyis Dremora - 30/9/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3676

You deserved it

268

Favorite

By Lorky - 8/5/2020 02:00 - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1339

You deserved it

105

Favorite

By wtf is wrong with my country - 8/5/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36104

You deserved it

3588

Favorite

By qyx3lmnop24 - 20/12/2014 07:33 - United States - Napa

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38256

You deserved it

5026

Favorite

By Argh - 24/11/2018 03:00 - United States - Longview

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3189

You deserved it

157

Favorite

By inveralaska - 16/6/2016 21:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11924

You deserved it

2320

Favorite

By Anonyme - 16/5/2014 07:55 - Canada - Saint-jean-de-matha

Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47789

You deserved it

9762

Favorite

By sicufovoshxbsjdk - 7/8/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36159

You deserved it

2591

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 17:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28896

You deserved it

3467

Favorite

By sosadbuttrue - 14/1/2012 13:15 - Switzerland

Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19100

You deserved it

27737

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 14:04 - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26052

You deserved it

2050

Favorite

By Xandriajoy10 - 4/1/2016 05:21 - Australia

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31227

You deserved it

1882

Favorite

By Ashton - 15/11/2018 13:30

Today, my girlfriend told me I have a doppelganger on campus who looks just like me, but way cuter. She got his phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2698

You deserved it

166

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By sthrr | 6

#2107005 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:06

and she didn't feel the need to hang up?
Ew..

By crystal_james | 0

#2107020 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:11

The fact that your mom was listening to you have phone sex is pretty disturbing. But YDI for using the home phone...

Comments

By relyo | 0

#2107002 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:04

That's why I always use a cellphone when I have phone sex with my girlfriend.

DjeePee | 24

#2107063 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:30

But for those of us who don't have a subscription, that can be very expensive.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#2107120 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:55

win!

thefriendlyc | 0

#2107696 - Monday 21 February 2011 17:09

your moms a perv if she didn't just hang up...

a123bubblyblonde | 0

#2109390 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:39

I just found out today my mom and i use the same vibrator.... and i also found out she has herpes FML

longrodvonhugend_fml | 0

#2109398 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:42

bullshit

bariforlife | 0

#2110614 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:11

i agree with 45 thats just wrong of your mom to stay on the line quiet for that long...either she could have said something right from the start or hang up

Skroal_stomper | 5

#2119474 - Thursday 24 February 2011 22:47

Me too. only Cellphone use during phone sex with my mom.

poiuytjfffc | 0

#2178374 - Monday 14 March 2011 4:13

truss

bevsta | 7

#3182915 - Friday 26 August 2011 16:48

You have a gf #1? lol!

jdude2913 | 0

#3588428 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 7:37

I don't think u have one

Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#5622008 - Sunday 11 August 2013 0:57

Did anyone else catch what #86 said? "Only a cell phone use during phone sex with my mom."..... wtf? Lol.

By sthrr | 6

#2107005 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:06

and she didn't feel the need to hang up?
Ew..

CelesteRenee93 | 0

#2107345 - Monday 21 February 2011 14:58

my thoughts exactly!

cudgel1023 | 0

#2108488 - Monday 21 February 2011 21:26

thinking the same

nbk1405 | 0

#2108749 - Monday 21 February 2011 23:32

2 profile picture hotness win :D
OP YDI for havin phone sex on a house phone idiot?!

krazygirl100 | 9

#2297703 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 7:33

why the hell did she keep listining any way thats realy creepy i would just hang up

NOTquiteRAMBO | 10

#3699352 - Thursday 8 December 2011 0:34

WINCEST!

By crystal_james | 0

#2107020 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:11

The fact that your mom was listening to you have phone sex is pretty disturbing. But YDI for using the home phone...

thisismyname_fml | 1

#2107669 - Monday 21 February 2011 16:58

my thoughts exactly.

By sierracn97 | 5

#2107036 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:20

And your mom didn't have the nerve to hang up?

FUGYU | 2

#2107136 - Monday 21 February 2011 13:05

win

By alki_fml | 5

#2107040 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:21

your mom is creepy.

Grahamcracka | 0

#2154086 - Sunday 6 March 2011 7:40

yeah lol

By chrstygrl06 | 10

#2107071 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:34

She wanted in on the action.

coderedz | 0

#2107897 - Monday 21 February 2011 18:19

she just wanted to make sure they knew what they were doing, they probably found out it was her when she said no no your doing it all wrong.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2126122 - Saturday 26 February 2011 21:53

haha

By jokesta187 | 11

#2107082 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:38

Next time ask your girl friend if she wants to have a 3 sum with your mom. Then see what your mother says to that.

By jokesta187 | 11

#2107092 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:41

Next time ask your girl friend if she wants to have a 3 sum with your mom. then she if your ease droper of a mom has to say.

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#2107095 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:42

this is...wrong.

nothing further.

|the kid|

TheDrifter | 23

#2108351 - Monday 21 February 2011 20:41

I was thinking it was right in all the wrong ways.

By Jimboom | 11

#2107104 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:48

That must have been some good phone sex if your mom was even getting off on it.
So what tipped you off that she was on the other end? The low moaning? The shouting of your daddy's name when she climaxed?

bigredmonkeybutt | 23

#2107124 - Monday 21 February 2011 12:58

omg ewww. worse she screamed her son's name lol.

bms1996 | 12

#2927819 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 6:24

lmao