Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 10:57 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

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Incognito browsing

Gas giant

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By alisaav - 8/8/2014 07:40 - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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By Jinthebar - 6/5/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone." in a seductive tone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2017 14:44

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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By witt75 - 23/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By treeless - 24/12/2011 08:11 - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 17:27 - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

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By inconnue - 18/3/2013 22:34 - France - Lyon

Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML

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By Bruja5 - 7/2/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

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By birthday blues - 8/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2011 13:12 - United States

Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML

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By 43_clothespins_later - 21/11/2013 00:12 - United States - Richmond

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2016 14:51 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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By nowimbroketoo - 22/7/2013 17:47 - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

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By Josie Stiger - 19/3/2020 05:00

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

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By Username - 19/6/2011 09:51 - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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By DaddyZ - 27/6/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, my youngest son thought that RedBull actually gave him wings. What it actually gave him was a trip to the ER and 7 stitches. It also gave me a meeting with social services. FML

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By Mazzam - 19/11/2008 11:33 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she bought for me. I said joking: "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By annoyed - 20/2/2013 20:33 - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - 26/2/2012 15:31 - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By muddled - 2/5/2012 06:16 - United States - Joliet

Today, I realized I have more in common with a cantaloupe than I do with my boyfriend. FML

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By insert pussy pun, hurr durr - 29/6/2016 17:34 - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, my boyfriend got irrationally pissed at me because his cat decided to sit on my lap instead of his. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 21:41 - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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By yeaokay - 29/10/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

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By mettaton - 17/1/2019 00:00

Today, I realized that my mom talks to me with the exact same tone of voice she uses for my little cousin. I’m 23 and my cousin is 2. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 13:59 - United States

Today, I was playing with my four year old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

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By RoommateWanted - 10/9/2013 21:02 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

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By Naulwenn - 23/6/2016 04:25 - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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By sickdisney - 21/5/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

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By - 25/10/2015 03:39 - United States

Today, my cousin got hired after six days of job-hunting. I graduated from university six months ago and haven't even scored a single interview; he's a deadbeat junkie who just got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery. FML

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By angela - 12/6/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By naomids - 30/12/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

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By Kirstie Campbell - 8/6/2020 08:08

Ups and downs

Today, I finally realized that my bipolar depression gets worse in hot weather. I live in Hawaii. FML

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By this sucks - 5/8/2013 04:00 - United States - El Paso

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

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By murp - 18/10/2012 16:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - 6/12/2014 05:18 - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By fetch boy.. - 5/8/2013 05:28 - United States - Bellmore

Today, my boyfriend's parents found out we had a sleepover while they were on vacation. His dog had retrieved the underwear I had unknowingly left and brought them to his mom. FML

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Top comments

By jesterinperil | 28

#6426443 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

I cringed reading this, I can only imagine your reaction when it happened. Bandage it up, and may your pain be short and negligible. Sorry this happened OP!

By ihpp | 22

#6426454 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:28

that's happened to me!
I hope you recover quickly! ps: keep it bandaged so you keep it protected!

COMMENTS

By jesterinperil | 28

#6426443 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

I cringed reading this, I can only imagine your reaction when it happened. Bandage it up, and may your pain be short and negligible. Sorry this happened OP!

By OysterPearls | 33

#6426444 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

I guess going toe-to-toe with your nail clippers wasn't a good idea.

By glimmer980 | 20

#6426447 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

Owwwwwww! that must have really hurt OP!

Reply

pooldude | 24

#6426522 - Sunday 4 October 2015 7:52

Yeah, that's what being in agony means...

By nishimehta | 21

#6426448 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:27

ugh! Op are you alright?!! It's damn painful though!!! Samething happened with me too. It's disgusting!!!!

By ChaiseT | 16

#6426449 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:27

Toetally painful OP

By ihpp | 22

#6426454 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:28

that's happened to me!
I hope you recover quickly! ps: keep it bandaged so you keep it protected!

By christinamarie17 | 29

#6426466 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:33

I highly advise against ever becoming a pedicurist. On second thought, probably best to steer clear from giving manicures as well.

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6426603 - Sunday 4 October 2015 11:50

Who's asking to become one? I think I can cut my nails without labeling that as a manicure/pedicure.

By thejonac | 21

#6426468 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:35

next time try to double-clip the part you wish to clip to ensure they're detached from the rest of the nail before pulling it out, it works :)

By ohSNAPyall | 26

#6426470 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:36

Which toe?

Reply

miazangl | 13

#6426528 - Sunday 4 October 2015 7:59

That's relevant because?

Reply

lukian_fml | 29

#6426536 - Sunday 4 October 2015 8:22

Not relevant because the OP clearly only has one toe.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6426925 - Sunday 4 October 2015 20:24

22, that's how it's written, yes.

And it's relevant because I think this would be a lot worse for a big toe than a pinky toe.

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6426478 - Sunday 4 October 2015 6:46

Sorry OP. I've had that happen with my little toe nail. Take Tylenol and soak it twice a day in hydrogen peroxide to keep it clean.