Health: Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 1 473

03/10/2015 10:57

Today, I was clipping my nails. When I got to my toenail, the whole thing somehow ripped right out. I'm in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 149

You deserved it 2 301

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

19/09/2016 14:27

Today, I screamed at a taxi driver to not run over a hedgehog. He got a fright and ended up pulling over. I hopped out and ran to the middle of the road to pick up the hedgehog and leave him on the grass by the path. As I got closer and went to pick up said hedgehog, I realised it was a pinecone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 131

You deserved it 6 647

21/11/2015 00:59

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 047

You deserved it 2 726

01/09/2015 04:37

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 619

You deserved it 3 648

30/06/2018 15:00

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 661

You deserved it 240

18/10/2013 23:01

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 931

You deserved it 5 607

Lazy git

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 14:01

Today, my fiancé was offered a job by my boss working as a dishwasher. This is awesome, especially since he just got fired from his last job. When I brought it up, his reply was, "I don't want to work as a dishwasher." I guess beggars can be choosers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 171

31/10/2009 04:22

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 813

You deserved it 6 720

22/04/2013 19:10

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 394

You deserved it 3 406

19/05/2011 22:46

Today, my family went to Seaworld. When we got there, my dad sarcastically told me not to get lost, because I might get mistaken for Shamu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 127

You deserved it 7 931

09/06/2016 02:33

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 995

You deserved it 1 047

29/11/2008 16:11

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 969

You deserved it 10 901

17/03/2010 19:32

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 896

You deserved it 4 031

12/07/2009 03:18

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 462

You deserved it 3 577

27/09/2009 15:52

Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 243

You deserved it 16 702

19/01/2018 15:00

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 603

You deserved it 521

12/06/2013 02:12

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 136

You deserved it 3 303

24/11/2013 21:38

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 462

You deserved it 3 800

24/04/2013 18:56

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 269

You deserved it 9 801

28/03/2011 18:52

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 685

You deserved it 6 857

30/05/2019 10:43

Today, I went with my boyfriend of 10 months to rent a car, for which he needed his dad to sign for. To avoid introducing me, he banished me to the nearest airport terminal, and picked me up 45 minutes later, around 11:30 p.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 297

06/10/2010 08:40

Today, I'm on holiday in Vietnam, and was wearing a new shirt. In a restaurant, the waitress pointed at my shirt and said something I couldn't understand, so I just smiled and nodded my head. She then gave me a weird look and walked away. Turns out there was a huge spider on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 275

You deserved it 4 860

24/01/2009 18:56

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 782

You deserved it 29 713

09/08/2010 16:54

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 730

You deserved it 2 617

26/11/2009 20:30

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 634

You deserved it 3 608

17/10/2015 12:29

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 867

You deserved it 1 728

15/09/2009 04:17

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 163

You deserved it 4 781

16/01/2017 17:07

Today, my flatmate wanted to introduce me to his new friend, saying we'd, "get along great". Within the first half hour, she'd used the word "lit" eight times, and dabbed four times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 102

You deserved it 675

25/01/2017 04:00

Today, my roommates gathered together to tell me that they all took turns spitting in my drinks in the fridge, all because I told on them for smoking pot in the apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 190

You deserved it 3 280

01/09/2011 02:50

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 204

You deserved it 4 326

30/08/2016 20:56

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 520

You deserved it 1 106

19/06/2016 20:06

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 524

You deserved it 961

27/09/2011 01:10

Today, my parents took away my laptop, TV, Xbox, and car all because I broke up with my girlfriend. They said when I patch things up with her, I can have my stuff back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 491

You deserved it 5 330

Boredom

By Anonymous - 03/07/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 455

You deserved it 178

29/05/2012 07:54

Today, my boyfriend called me, panicking. Apparently he had a headache, but wasn't concentrating on what tablets he grabbed, and accidentally took tablets for "relief of period pain". He was convinced he was going to grow ovaries overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 429

You deserved it 2 897

Hygienic

By imfullthanks - 14/03/2009 23:06

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 564

You deserved it 7 641

12/12/2011 00:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 135

You deserved it 2 665

Third degree

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 06:01

Today, my wife left her curling iron on the bed, which was dangerous enough, but I also accidentally sat on it after my shower. Now I have a burn on the bottom of my balls, which has turned into a painful blister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 92

01/06/2013 07:51

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 898

You deserved it 6 146

07/06/2012 17:42

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 565

You deserved it 39 041

16/08/2014 05:09

Today, it's my birthday. When I asked my mom if we were gonna do anything special for my birthday. She said, "don't lie to me. It's not your birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 929

You deserved it 3 441

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Top comments

jesterinperil 28

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

I cringed reading this, I can only imagine your reaction when it happened. Bandage it up, and may your pain be short and negligible. Sorry this happened OP!

ihpp 22

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:28

that's happened to me! I hope you recover quickly! ps: keep it bandaged so you keep it protected!

Comments

jesterinperil 28

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

I cringed reading this, I can only imagine your reaction when it happened. Bandage it up, and may your pain be short and negligible. Sorry this happened OP!

OysterPearls 33

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

I guess going toe-to-toe with your nail clippers wasn't a good idea.

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:26

Owwwwwww! that must have really hurt OP!

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Sunday 4 October 2015 7:52

Yeah, that's what being in agony means...

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:27

ugh! Op are you alright?!! It's damn painful though!!! Samething happened with me too. It's disgusting!!!!

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:27

Toetally painful OP

ihpp 22

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:28

that's happened to me! I hope you recover quickly! ps: keep it bandaged so you keep it protected!

christinamarie17 29

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:33

I highly advise against ever becoming a pedicurist. On second thought, probably best to steer clear from giving manicures as well.

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Sunday 4 October 2015 11:50

Who's asking to become one? I think I can cut my nails without labeling that as a manicure/pedicure.

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:35

next time try to double-clip the part you wish to clip to ensure they're detached from the rest of the nail before pulling it out, it works :)

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:36

Which toe?

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Sunday 4 October 2015 7:59

That's relevant because?

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Sunday 4 October 2015 8:22

Not relevant because the OP clearly only has one toe.

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Sunday 4 October 2015 20:24

22, that's how it's written, yes. And it's relevant because I think this would be a lot worse for a big toe than a pinky toe.

BoxFullOfLazy 25

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Sunday 4 October 2015 6:46

Sorry OP. I've had that happen with my little toe nail. Take Tylenol and soak it twice a day in hydrogen peroxide to keep it clean.