Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started...

By BlackPolarbear - 23/1/2010 08:05 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML

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Intimacy

Yappy neighborhood

Child labor

Business savvy

By suspicious - 5/7/2013 02:26 - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

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By nyatzz - 16/11/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 04:00

Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

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By fed up - 23/8/2018 23:30

Today, I bought a different car because I was having to constantly repair my old one. On the way home from the dealer, the check engine light came on. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2013 07:17 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

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By THATgirl - 26/1/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

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By Amber C - 7/4/2012 03:41 - United States

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

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By Mister_FML - 12/8/2020 08:01

Didn't think it through

Today, I was at my new store, fixing it up. I was about to leave, so I took my clothes off to let the dirty ones dry, as I had other clothes in my car. I walked to the back of my store and the back door locked. The car was locked. I was in my boxers with no phone and no way to go home for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2013 01:11 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By thisisstupid_17 - 16/11/2016 14:47

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

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By conspicuous - 12/9/2012 20:11 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditiorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:02 - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

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By WearingSomethingStringy - 10/4/2013 00:02 - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

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By fed up/turned off - 2/10/2013 05:47 - United States - Fresno

Today, I tried turning on my boyfriend by sending him naughty pictures and texts, describing in detail all the things I was going to do to him when we have the house to ourselves this weekend. He responded by quoting that crappy movie 'The Room', saying, "Oh hi doggie!" FML

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By Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you. - 19/6/2014 21:05 - Sweden - Sundbyberg

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to see the photos of my wedding, which he didn't bother to come to. Reply: "What the fuck, are you gay or something? Keep that homo stuff to yourself." My wife started laughing so hard she was crying. FML

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By htothecr - 3/5/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

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By minette08 - 29/1/2010 21:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver's door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML

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By biblepain - 28/3/2015 02:12 - United States - Tucson

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

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By Namnack - 2/2/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

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By fmlfmboyfriendah - 13/2/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

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By scared-straight - 27/5/2013 04:05 - United States

Today, as I was lying on my bed with one of my arms hanging from the side, I felt something sniff my hand from underneath. I don't have any pets. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By lprocter1982 - 8/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

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By diddlebuag - 27/5/2011 22:09 - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

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By lopez - 16/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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By noname - 4/1/2009 05:39 - France

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!". She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, my husband pooped the bed for the second time since we've been married. We've been married a month. FML

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By Scotty - 28/7/2014 10:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

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By Forgetable - 21/4/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML

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By GrossedOut - 11/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By Arielle - 31/1/2012 11:07 - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

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By Username - 7/6/2011 12:10 - Australia

Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2015 04:02 - United States - Portland

Today, my wife handed over most of our son's college fund, in cash, to an investment scammer going by the name "Herp A. Derpson". FML

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By JoseIsAdork - 11/1/2016 18:03 - United States - Somers

Today, I realized how lonely I am, when I got a call from an elderly women who had dialed the wrong number. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation about her cat and how he "just won't use the darn litter pan." I was sad when she had to hang up. FML

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By SplashOuch - 5/1/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

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By okay then - 13/2/2013 22:09 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

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By XxHinkaixX - 1/8/2010 02:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking through an old photo album of mine. I turned to a page with a picture of me on my last day of college. I thought the picture was quite nice. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I take bad pictures too." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2015 19:13 - United States - Summerfield

Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine and that she'd never seen it before. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 02:00

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

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By oink oink... - 12/10/2013 13:19 - United States - Mason

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML

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Top comments

By MiniatureMayhem | 0

#793213 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:09

Tell your mom you were enjoying a really good chocolate cake.

By junying | 0

#793226 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:11

Your girlfriend totally did that on purpose. :D

COMMENTS

By MiniatureMayhem | 0

#793213 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:09

Tell your mom you were enjoying a really good chocolate cake.

picturescrazy | 24

#793546 - Saturday 23 January 2010 18:50

A woman posted this... a woman that has a dick....

epicFAIL_Sometim | 0

#793627 - Saturday 23 January 2010 19:56

The cake is a lie

taycandy96 | 2

#793767 - Saturday 23 January 2010 20:47

which means she's a sheman

vgmaster | 0

#793794 - Saturday 23 January 2010 20:59

first time replying.... hehe

Bertha5 | 0

#793808 - Saturday 23 January 2010 21:06

haha! Suks for u. thta y u donntt answer ur phone while having sexx. ;)

HeresReality | 0

#793898 - Saturday 23 January 2010 21:55

true! that's hilarious. also, no guys moan unless they are faking like they like it for thier partner

rennobeinna | 0

#793914 - Saturday 23 January 2010 22:06

holy fuck ur rite

jpest17 | 5

#794851 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:48

love portal!

BlueJeans2626 | 0

#794884 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:59

how do you know a woman posted it?

caticaticati | 3

#794918 - Sunday 24 January 2010 6:16

Because there's a gender listed under the post. DUHHH.

JF4509 | 0

#796014 - Sunday 24 January 2010 19:31

lmfaoo

lolpwntdumass | 0

#813309 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:18

your a woman. even if you were a guy, if you can't control yourself your still a woman

hwkfan1 | 10

#973531 - Saturday 3 April 2010 10:22

maybe she is michael Jackson or lady gaga half!

ZleveL | 0

#1010014 - Friday 28 May 2010 6:10

43 it's sheMALE

chicabonita5683 | 0

#1071222 - Wednesday 7 July 2010 17:15

That's not true...if it's a surprise, like it was, a moan might escape for some guys.

few12 | 0

#1179975 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 7:46

maybe an accident? or it was the woman who posted it for her bf?

few12 | 0

#1183839 - Tuesday 3 August 2010 22:12

She was playing with his dick. what if she bent it the other way or something? Think, SHE WAS PLAYING WITH HIS DICK

midnightsdawn13 | 4

#1747947 - Thursday 25 November 2010 6:15

Or has a strap-on/vibrator?

By phara_fml | 0

#793214 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:09

Sucks for you.

:)

By a1b2c3d4e5f6 | 0

#793215 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:09

what dick? it says you're a woman

anela_fml | 0

#793374 - Saturday 23 January 2010 17:07

ha ha oh my hmmmm

nikkamad | 0

#2129332 - Sunday 27 February 2011 15:40

looool

By kluger | 3

#793217 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:10

Haha, nice.

By Nic_hole | 0

#793221 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:11

Hahahaha!

By junying | 0

#793226 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:11

Your girlfriend totally did that on purpose. :D

fairygirl88 | 5

#2212324 - Sunday 20 March 2011 23:11

ur girlfriend has a great sense of humor

By awesome576 | 0

#793242 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:15

hahahaha

climbthoserocks | 6

#793247 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:16

make up an excuse. not that hard.

wandaax03 | 0

#793264 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:19

apparently, it was (;

sam11jide | 0

#793299 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:28

hahaha nice

aoife123 | 0

#977009 - Saturday 10 April 2010 3:21

hahaha, I wish you could 'like' comments on these things

jjstock | 7

#3305387 - Sunday 18 September 2011 1:01

You can thumbs up lol,next best thing

SecretAgent_700 | 15

#6377572 - Tuesday 11 August 2015 6:25

I think #94 was in reply to #16...

By chyeahbro | 0

#793258 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:18

ydi for answering the phone while having sex

By perdix | 29

#793278 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:23

YDI for not having your own FML account (they cost sooooo much, you hobo!) or being a chick with a dick.

a1b2c3d4e5f6 | 0

#793294 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:27

I know! Free is so expensive!

It's either:

(a) fake
(b) the guy is dumb enough to complain using his girlfriends account
(c) it's a chick with a dick
(d) none of the above

Isn't multiple choice fun?

Sirin_fml | 46

#793589 - Saturday 23 January 2010 19:27

a) Meh.
b) Yawn.
c) Suicide by USB port.
d) Perdix, you look stunning in that unitard.

There is no "shoot Perdix before he starts making sexually inappropriate comments" option, so we are all doomed.

perdix | 29

#793910 - Saturday 23 January 2010 21:59

Thanks, Sirin, sometimes I do feel a little bad when I make the "sexually inappropriate" comments in the general FML section, but when they are in the "Intimacy" category, all bets are off, baby!

By freakofnature118 | 0

#793291 - Saturday 23 January 2010 16:27

has no realised that this is fml was poted by a woman? i find it odd that a woman is capable of having her girlfriend play with her dick anyone else?

Tkim32 | 0

#793570 - Saturday 23 January 2010 19:10

I belive abot 10 people already noticed.

lolpwntdumass | 0

#813313 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:20

ya lol dumass. learn to read.