Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the... - FML

By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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Countdown

Mix and match

Facts over feelings

By Luna - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By AgentRarity

Today, I was reading butthurt comments about how girl gamers can easily get dates and find love by simply existing. I'm a "girl gamer" who hasn't even found a date, let alone love. I've been looking since I was sixteen. I'm now 27. FML

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By petmosch

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to shave my legs completely to be more confident in my dress. I spent over an hour making sure my legs were perfectly shaved. It wasn't until I had been out awhile that I realized I forgot to shave my armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 14:01

Walking Dead

Today, my doctor informed me I was a fascinating patient. Why? I have "more health issues than a patient my age should." I'm 26. FML

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By honeybee2487 - United States

Today, at work, I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. As I looked up to see what it was, a huge splash of water hit me in the face. I called mall maintenance to let them know. They told me they already knew about the leak... from the sewage line. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

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By Anonymous

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

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By Nigel - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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By Weezylover - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By f-ugly - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By anonymous

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By stillkindahorny - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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By anon - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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By NeverCampingAgain - United States

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

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By Q - United States

Today, I had to kick my own father out of my house after he started attacking my wife for breastfeeding our newborn son in the living room. All the way to the door, he ranted that "You don't see me whipping my dick out and pissing in front of everyone, do you?" FML

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By rebeccacaissie - United States

Today, I was being a little playful with my boyfriend when we began wrestling. He then put me in a choking headlock and wouldn't let me out until I "tapped out". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By genderbender - Reserved

Today, I went to the new gym I recently signed up for and started exercising in the men-filled weights room, despite being intimidated by them and the strange looks they were giving me. Workout over, I left the room and saw in front of me a door marked "Women's weights room". Oh. FML

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By pencilring - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML

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By Mik - United States

Today, I was bored. Some people would've called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I've spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I'm not sure what's worse, that I got really into it, or that I've spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

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By hatetodisappoint - United States

Today, I called my very overprotective father, and he took the time to tell me how proud he was of me for finally finding a good and respectable boyfriend. And that he was sorry he misjudged. I was calling for bail money to get my "good, respectable" boyfriend out of jail. FML

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By kelscait - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

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By mariokarter - United Kingdom

Today, on the train on the way to my mother's house, I was playing Mariokart with my son. He got a 'bomb' item, and yelled quite loudly, "I have a bomb!". Panic ensued. We got thrown off the train at the next stop. FML

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By anon - United States - Irwin

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

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By mothapuka - United Arab Emirates

Today, I went to the mall with my mum. She had a few too many drinks the night before. As soon as we got into the mall, she puked. She walked around the mall with me, blowing chunks into a plastic bag. FML

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By CRC - United States

Damned freshmen

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 04:01 - Canada - Brampton

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc

Today, I fell down my stairs twice after helping a senior get in her car. FML

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By Lo_Bolian - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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By FUUUUCK - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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By PTKFML - United States

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

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Top comments

By lexiBRo | 0

#388242 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:04

hehehe.... hope it was good.. what did you tell your mom the next time you two spoke and she asked what happened that day??

By UFCFIGHTER | 0

#388342 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:32

Cock blocked by your mom lol

COMMENTS

By Person1233 | 12

#388217 - Saturday 11 July 2009 22:58

Lmao FYL for sure

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#388232 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:02

Damn I was editing a longer comment into this then the time was up -.-

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#389235 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:47

How is this an FYL?

Reply

AnaMaree | 0

#389241 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:49

He deserved it for getting pushed on the couch by his girlfriend.

Reply

youaresofucked | 0

#389772 - Sunday 12 July 2009 11:49

What are you on about? I wish I had a girl like that.

Reply

mardybum_fml | 0

#389956 - Sunday 12 July 2009 14:16

rofl, ever thought of locking your key pad?

By Niko_Peiko_Boo | 0

#388222 - Saturday 11 July 2009 22:59

Haha, oh boy >_>

Reply

Imawhalerider | 0

#388441 - Sunday 12 July 2009 0:14

I did this once, except my friend just thought it was a dunk dial. fml

By iKaite | 0

#388227 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:00

I read this on bash. You fail.

By elmina_fml | 0

#388230 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:01

haha!

Reply

nagele | 0

#388977 - Sunday 12 July 2009 3:40

lawlz...

By Blackdemon | 0

#388236 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:02

HAHAHA! That would have been a good day for the cops

Reply

hecuva | 0

#388348 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:36

could have turned out to be a VERY good day ;)

there's always a silver lining... more people means more fun!

Reply

popoman | 0

#487868 - Saturday 15 August 2009 5:08

If they were hot female cops, yes, it would have been a most magnificent day.

By lexiBRo | 0

#388242 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:04

hehehe.... hope it was good.. what did you tell your mom the next time you two spoke and she asked what happened that day??

By softballplaya822 | 0

#388244 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:04

ohh myy that's not good...

By captivemj | 4

#388250 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:05

hahahhahahahhah!!!!!!!

By redbluegreen | 40

#388251 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:05

Uh... Another reason you shouldn't keep your phone in your back pocket? Another reason to buy the new Blackberry that closes? Too bad Verizon didn't use this approach.

Reply

fmyfudginglife | 0

#389321 - Sunday 12 July 2009 6:22

That would be an amazing commerical.

Reply

DeathByIrony90 | 0

#405400 - Friday 17 July 2009 19:53

oh my god yes it would!! 'Course they might have to edit it a bit just to make it useable on public TV....

By randomxtremely | 0

#388252 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:05

LOL