Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the... - FML

By policeopenup - 11/7/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Great boyfriend

Insane parents

By inheritance - 5/5/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By anonymous - 22/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By Dixienornous - 3/6/2016 11:05 - United States - Rohnert Park

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

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By bri_sci94 - 26/9/2014 06:56 - United States - Madison

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

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By Why - 29/1/2016 22:53

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By nerderer - 30/4/2015 18:48 - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 23:05 - United States

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

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By Ravhi Karia - 3/4/2015 13:41 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By Girl123999 - 4/3/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By MoRuined - 9/10/2014 10:27 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By HunkyFez - 28/8/2020 08:06 - Australia

Dad joke number 287474

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

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By so bored -__- - 25/2/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By MasterMcrib - 17/4/2016 20:33 - United States - Highland Park

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

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By Radio GaGa - 27/10/2014 16:25 - Canada

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

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By nina - 11/8/2010 16:04 - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

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By Angie - 24/3/2011 19:07 - South Africa

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

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By S. Fancyson - 16/4/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2013 22:13 - Romania - Cluj-napoca

Today, I asked my bosses for three weeks off in July to go on a much-needed vacation. Their response was to fire me on the spot. My bosses are my aunt and uncle. FML

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By Stepmotherfucker - 23/3/2016 06:32 - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

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By unknown - 15/9/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

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By madbabynoel - 25/3/2016 15:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By sillystring - 13/10/2009 10:09 - China

Today, as I was walking home, a friend passed me by on his moped, and sprayed a bunch of silly string at me. Unfortunately, he hit me in the eye, temporarily blinding me. As I stumbled around blind, I accidentally knocked a bunch of 3 year olds off their bikes, causing them to cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 18:27 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

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By elena02 - 21/11/2015 19:45 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By TheJeremyMoe - 11/8/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

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By daisyann - 15/7/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 08:03

Old Man Blues

Today, I seriously strained my back picking up my daughter. I’m only 22 and now I have a bad back a man in his 70s would be proud of. FML

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By Forever Alone - 16/5/2019 06:14

Hashtag ForeverAlone

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

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By Harry Dare - 2/9/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2017 16:00

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By fired tomoz - 29/10/2014 15:46 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 22:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, I started a new internship. I couldn't do anything until I was trained, and I couldn't be trained until I had a login. I stared at a wall for three hours. FML

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By SimpleSwimmer - 4/10/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

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By karengoeswest - 16/8/2018 15:00

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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By Rinelric1998 - 31/10/2013 02:59 - United States - Greensboro

Today, some kid asked me if I was Mexican. After I explained to him that I was actually Venezuelan, he simply snorted and said, "That's the same f*cking thing. If you speak Spanish then you're Mexican." FML

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By Miroslav208 - 20/10/2011 14:32 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why it would be highly offensive and inappropriate for him to go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween. I think he's still planning on doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2015 02:52 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML

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By swaiteATC - 28/7/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

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By flatfoot - 9/8/2012 19:33 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

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Top comments

By lexiBRo | 0

#388242 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:04

hehehe.... hope it was good.. what did you tell your mom the next time you two spoke and she asked what happened that day??

By UFCFIGHTER | 0

#388342 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:32

Cock blocked by your mom lol

COMMENTS

By Person1233 | 12

#388217 - Saturday 11 July 2009 22:58

Lmao FYL for sure

Reply

Person1233 | 12

#388232 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:02

Damn I was editing a longer comment into this then the time was up -.-

Reply

KumoFF7 | 3

#389235 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:47

How is this an FYL?

Reply

AnaMaree | 0

#389241 - Sunday 12 July 2009 5:49

He deserved it for getting pushed on the couch by his girlfriend.

Reply

youaresofucked | 0

#389772 - Sunday 12 July 2009 11:49

What are you on about? I wish I had a girl like that.

Reply

mardybum_fml | 0

#389956 - Sunday 12 July 2009 14:16

rofl, ever thought of locking your key pad?

By Niko_Peiko_Boo | 0

#388222 - Saturday 11 July 2009 22:59

Haha, oh boy >_>

Reply

Imawhalerider | 0

#388441 - Sunday 12 July 2009 0:14

I did this once, except my friend just thought it was a dunk dial. fml

By iKaite | 0

#388227 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:00

I read this on bash. You fail.

By elmina_fml | 0

#388230 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:01

haha!

Reply

nagele | 0

#388977 - Sunday 12 July 2009 3:40

lawlz...

By Blackdemon | 0

#388236 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:02

HAHAHA! That would have been a good day for the cops

Reply

hecuva | 0

#388348 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:36

could have turned out to be a VERY good day ;)

there's always a silver lining... more people means more fun!

Reply

popoman | 0

#487868 - Saturday 15 August 2009 5:08

If they were hot female cops, yes, it would have been a most magnificent day.

By lexiBRo | 0

#388242 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:04

hehehe.... hope it was good.. what did you tell your mom the next time you two spoke and she asked what happened that day??

By softballplaya822 | 0

#388244 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:04

ohh myy that's not good...

By captivemj | 4

#388250 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:05

hahahhahahahhah!!!!!!!

By redbluegreen | 40

#388251 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:05

Uh... Another reason you shouldn't keep your phone in your back pocket? Another reason to buy the new Blackberry that closes? Too bad Verizon didn't use this approach.

Reply

fmyfudginglife | 0

#389321 - Sunday 12 July 2009 6:22

That would be an amazing commerical.

Reply

DeathByIrony90 | 0

#405400 - Friday 17 July 2009 19:53

oh my god yes it would!! 'Course they might have to edit it a bit just to make it useable on public TV....

By randomxtremely | 0

#388252 - Saturday 11 July 2009 23:05

LOL