Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, my mom's dog saw a cat in our yard. I watched as he tried to jump at it, only to smack face-first into the window. He did this twice more before curling up on the floor and whimpering pitifully. When my mom came in and saw him there, and me laughing, she accused me of beating him. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I got a call at work. My cat somehow managed to lock my boyfriend and dog out of the house. The rental manager charged us $25 to open the door. The cat seems quite pleased with herself. FML
Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML
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Top comments
ebonyirony 29
200 for shoes is ridiculous for me. most I spent was 40.
christyxbee 15
Dog-Gone it! Hope you feel better soon OP!
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Comments (122)
natsaysheyyy 16
Do better training with your dog and people will stop thinking your husband beats you.
wthatcher87 3
If money is the leading cause for divorce in America now-a-days, why would you spend $200 on a pair of shoes when it will probably start a fight? It's called communicating with your spouse, you should try it.
unknown_user5566 27
33- Exactly. As I mentioned in another post, my husband and I discuss any purchases that are over $100 with each other first. If OP was 'allowed' to spend $200 on shoes without her husband being upset, I doubt the co workers would've joked about him being angry.
skfrlf 1
she's not saying he has a problem with it...
cosmosis 12
Key word in your sentence is "America". And at the moment I hear your economy is in a recession something chronic. Especially after Sandy. So money is going to be a cause for arguement. Before you start hurling shoes and calling me a dumb aussie, ive been dragged out to the shops several times by my missus and $200 is nothing. Ive seen pairs for $400-$500 in the lower class areas of Western Sydney. Everything here is so expensive. Everyones circumstances are different. She may be able to afford the extra $200 at the end of the week. Whats good for one is not always good for another.
mvc3ftw 17
Does the rest of the world hate America or something? o.o
EyesofStone 27
68, yes, but for once no one was hating America. XD It's pretty much a fact that our economy sucks.
mvc3ftw 17
well yes the economy sucks right now,but hopefully it gets better,I'm optimistic :)
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Kitty-cat of a husband? That doesn't sound vicious at all. It sounds rather cute! :D
Tamz13 2
My sympathies. Boy when Murphy bites, he bites hard. I've been in your spot. I was playing with my 70lb dog & he wound up accidentally head butting me in the face & gave me a fat lip & a bloody nose. Hopefully your co workers know your husband well enough to know better. Better yet, hopefully they've met/seen your dog.
mvc3ftw 17
Take it a step further and bring the culprit in to work with you.
Tamz13 2
Not a bad idea. My co workers didn't give me much grief because they had all met my knuckle head dog.
mvc3ftw 17
I would make sure to have the dog leashed so it doesn't attack her boss.Actually that's a funny mental image.
Enslaved 38
If you're living past your means, than you should know better. . . However, I really don't think $200 on shoes (plural) is that big of a deal if you use them vs them staying untouched in your closet. I'm not a shoe person but understand that if you work hard, you should reward yourself with something that will make you feel good about yourself. ie --weapons collection. :P
iLuvsIt 10
Exactly - I work freaking hard and commute 4 hours a day. I deserve to spend my money how I wish!
iLuvsIt 10
Hey guys - just a quick response: I bought 2 pairs of work shoes because I needed them and live in Australia where the economy is not dire. My slush/fun fund is quite high because Hubby and I are very good with our money. As for being wasteful - I'd say the $300 hubby spent on the SSF4 fightstick on Saturday arvo might be more wasteful than my purchase lol.
doodlecloud 27
$300 for a SSF4 fightstick? What one was it? The only ones I know of are like $100-200 tops...
iLuvsIt 10
We're in country Australia - everything is expensive. I did exaggerate though. It was $300 including another game and a pie.
doodlecloud 27
A pie? Awesome.
Twisted_Angel 17
lmao, I feel your pain. My 135 pound dog helped me break my wrist.
Tamz13 2
Glad to see there's a few of us who've been accidentally wounded by our beloved canines. I felt like a dumbass for days when mine head butted me in the face! Lol
iLuvsIt 10
I am going to end up with wrist like a cement mixer soon what with all the games of tug'owar lol. But wouldn't change my gorgeous lil man and his antics for the world!!!
honestjane 22
I hear you. My American Bulldog has punched me in the face a few times and bloodied my lip. I work 12 hour shifts so sometimes he's just too happy to properly contain himself.
Sai_Run614 7
Man's best friend. there when you need. Not when you don't. Give him a treat for me.
gwenlouisee 6
Make up and a red lip (:
etoilenuit 15
Kitty cat of a husband? If that's suppose to imply he's calm then you haven't met the same cats as me! They can be ferocious!
Psycho_Babydoll 26
Probably implies that he's gentle.