Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, my mom's dog saw a cat in our yard. I watched as he tried to jump at it, only to smack face-first into the window. He did this twice more before curling up on the floor and whimpering pitifully. When my mom came in and saw him there, and me laughing, she accused me of beating him. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I got a call at work. My cat somehow managed to lock my boyfriend and dog out of the house. The rental manager charged us $25 to open the door. The cat seems quite pleased with herself. FML
Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML
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Top comments
ebonyirony 29
200 for shoes is ridiculous for me. most I spent was 40.
christyxbee 15
Dog-Gone it! Hope you feel better soon OP!
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Comments (122)
KaiserSD 8
Your husband has an FML for letting you walk all over him and buying $200 worth of shitty shoes. I feel bad for him.
chippa 24
She works and you don't know what their budget is.
PaperUmbrellas 4
Quite the assumption to say they're shitty. Maybe she needed custom shoes for running, or is in a type of job where dressing expensively is almost a requirement. Personally, I spend that much on shoes once in a few years. I'm picky, so when I find a style I like, I buy 5 or 6 pairs at once.
ben827 10
Wait, you're married to a pussy? Get it? Guys...? No...okay *goes into hiding*
maddygirl820 10
Oh the possibilities…
maddygirl820 10
Oh the possibilities…
Guilty21 3
I had to read it a couple times because at first glance, it sounded like your husband hit you.
GUNN1313 3
My wife's collage professors refuse to believe my wife that I don't beat her and have told her if she comes in one more time with bruises they are going to call the cops on me. My wide is a vet tech and spends all day restraining animals and I'm a firearms trainer and would have lots of legal problems from these false accusations so I feel your pain
Bright_Lights 14
Everyone who's whining '$200 is expensive for a pair of shoes' blah blah blah, obviously none of you understand the fashion world. Haute couture is expensive; staying fashionable is expensive; designer brands are expensive. I would drop $200, $2000, $20,000, whatever - if it was something I liked.
Negroification 7
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a moron.
Bright_Lights 14
Nice to meet you moron!
fudgeimout 2
I assume kitty cat of a husband refers to him being a pussy.
SilentScreamer 12
FYHusbandsL.
gregkingsley 4
Just tell them what my girlfriend tells her co-workers. " I'm clumsy and fell down the stairs again". Jk