Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, my mom's dog saw a cat in our yard. I watched as he tried to jump at it, only to smack face-first into the window. He did this twice more before curling up on the floor and whimpering pitifully. When my mom came in and saw him there, and me laughing, she accused me of beating him. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I got a call at work. My cat somehow managed to lock my boyfriend and dog out of the house. The rental manager charged us $25 to open the door. The cat seems quite pleased with herself. FML
Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML
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Top comments
ebonyirony 29
200 for shoes is ridiculous for me. most I spent was 40.
christyxbee 15
Dog-Gone it! Hope you feel better soon OP!
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Comments (122)
ManInTheMachine 20
I don't think it's the split lip they'll be asking about. The double black eyes and neck brace, on the other hand, might raise some eyebrows.
naughtylez82 4
And here I thought 55.00 was spending to much on a pair of converse.
mvc3ftw 17
I spent about 65$ on vans.it's been almost2 and a half years and they are still good.I don't understand why someone would spend 200$ on a single pair of shoes.They better fly or something lol
ebonyirony 29
marmaduke!
LoveGuru69 0
terrible, terrible movie
ebonyirony 29
I was thinking the comic
emeraldisle 30
It doesn't matter if they believe you or not. They're just joking about your hubby. Even if they don't believe you, you know what really happened.
NagainaFier 16
Until/Unless someone reports him to the police. I dont know how it works in Australia, but where I live, if a police report is filed on domestic abuse, they HAVE to arrest the 'suspect', even if there isn't a mark on the 'victim'. I hope to God OP's Co workers know her husband is a 'kitty cat' and understood it was a joke...
trellz17 19
Wow how convenient for that to happen at that moment. And it sucks cause they probably won't believe the truth.
mimiminx 23
Here's hoping your dog doesn't chew those $200 shoes up!
neilykins 29
Of my dog was a destructive dog, I would make sure I put those shoes high up. There would be no way my dog would be able to get them!
WCARlover 35
I thought you were going to say the dog chewed up your shoes or something D: That would have been a bigger FML in my opinion
unknown_user5566 27
Hopefully they believe it was your dog. If they actually think your husband would abuse you over shoes, that's a tad bit ridiculous.
NagainaFier 16
You'd think so, but unfortunately spouses have abused their partners for much less.
unknown_user5566 27
27- Unfortunately, you're right. It's sad to think that people are abused in their relationships, no matter the reason.
Ks22 4
Who makes jokes about beating women?
unknown_user5566 27
25- I was wondering that, too. I make some pretty borderline jokes sometimes, but never about spousal abuse. Not really a funny topic, IMO.
Werken247 14
Thousands of battered women out there and I'm still eating mine plain.
Dairyking 8
What's worse than finding 10 babies in one trash can? Finding one baby in 10 trash cans. ...Okay, so it's not a joke about beating your wife, but the point is that there are definitely worse things to joke about.
pikapikalove 5
I wouldn't believe that story, either.