Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML
Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML
Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML
Today, my boyfriend noticed a bruise on my hip. Apparently, he would rather believe I'm cheating on him, rather that I'm terribly clumsy at work. FML
Today, I tried to fight my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend because she told me he used to beat her. Turns out, she was lying to “impress” me, and her ex has a black belt in taekwondo. I’m in excruciating pain right now. FML
Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML
Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML
Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML
Today, after a nasty fight with my military husband, which resulted in mandatory marriage counseling, he told me we needed to talk about the fight. Not talk it over and apologize; talk it over so our stories are consistent when we see the therapist. FML
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Top comments
FluffythePink 23
My school called social services because they refused to believe I was doing medieval battle re-enactment. (Pre mobile phones) They thought my parents were beating the hell out of me. I had to bring in photos and my kit before they'd even listen to me. Take them a couple of vids of you practicing and sparring/fighting and a vid of the cat being a furry psychopath. As soon as you hand them proof, they'll put it in your file and leave you alone. You gotta give them points for actually being worried about you and caring enough about their employees to call you in so just supply the evidence and let them worry about anyone who actually needs it.
BurnInDemonFire 39
"Is your spouse beating you again?" "No... it's just my cat..." - Next time, on whatever crap Chuck Lorre is releasing this year...
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Comments (2)
FluffythePink 23
My school called social services because they refused to believe I was doing medieval battle re-enactment. (Pre mobile phones) They thought my parents were beating the hell out of me. I had to bring in photos and my kit before they'd even listen to me. Take them a couple of vids of you practicing and sparring/fighting and a vid of the cat being a furry psychopath. As soon as you hand them proof, they'll put it in your file and leave you alone. You gotta give them points for actually being worried about you and caring enough about their employees to call you in so just supply the evidence and let them worry about anyone who actually needs it.
BurnInDemonFire 39
"Is your spouse beating you again?" "No... it's just my cat..." - Next time, on whatever crap Chuck Lorre is releasing this year...