Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, at a meeting, I had a heated argument with the only female employee at the office. A little later, I managed to hit her in the face with a door, giving her a bruise. Nobody believes it was an accident. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, my mom's dog saw a cat in our yard. I watched as he tried to jump at it, only to smack face-first into the window. He did this twice more before curling up on the floor and whimpering pitifully. When my mom came in and saw him there, and me laughing, she accused me of beating him. FML
Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML
Today, at the end of a 15 hour shift, my girlfriend and her friends played a "prank" on me by texting me from a random number saying my cat got hit by a car. I immediately burst into tears and lost it in front of my colleagues. My cat is fine. My relationship is the real joke. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I got a call at work. My cat somehow managed to lock my boyfriend and dog out of the house. The rental manager charged us $25 to open the door. The cat seems quite pleased with herself. FML
Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ebonyirony 29
200 for shoes is ridiculous for me. most I spent was 40.
christyxbee 15
Dog-Gone it! Hope you feel better soon OP!
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (122)
miroslavracer 0
why is every one saying 200 is alot for shoes its really not that bad especially if there higher end she probably got them on sale
Bright_Lights 14
EXACTLY!! Thankyou.
BananerzFresh 12
Your dog was excited because you bought him a $200 dollar pair of shoes to chew.
wvcheesehead 13
It depends on your financial circumstances, if you spent the rent on shoes, maybe you needed a beating.
thassel8 7
When my wife was pregnant, she had to take blood thinners daily. These left very dark and discolored bruises all over her stomach and legs. I used to get some pretty bad looks from people when she would go out with groups of friends and they happened to see them. More then once we had to convince people that I wasn't beating her.
Moreneitor 3
200 ******* dollars to walk on the floor? Women are crazy
xdaftpunkxloverx 10
Not saying that you deserved this, but why would you spend $200 on shoes. >_<
blcusername 27
200 dollars is quite a bit for shoes. The most I've spent on shoes is 80 and that's pushing it