Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave...

By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 00:38 - Brazil - Itaja?

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

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Love

Grow up

The past that suits you best

Spooky

By poorcollegestudent - 30/10/2009 20:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

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By hahahehehohohoo - 7/2/2009 03:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

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By Malina - 4/1/2015 01:42 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I bit into a piece of homegrown lettuce from my garden. Apparently, I'm not the only one to enjoy my produce, because I took a bite out of a small caterpillar. FML

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By theoftrescheduled - 3/9/2014 00:35 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I unexpectedly ran into my boss. Last week, I'd met with him every day, putting together a last-minute presentation of my research for him to deliver at conference overseas. It turns out that his passport had expired. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got into an argument with my girlfriend over how many sides a triangle has. I actually ended up drawing her a diagram. FML

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By righthook - 8/4/2015 19:56 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2015 09:47 - United States - Tualatin

Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

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By 2classicNot2 - 9/4/2011 07:52 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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By Scholar - 16/6/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

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By Bellucy27 - 27/10/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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By anonymous - 15/10/2017 01:30

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

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By fijiflu - 5/11/2015 21:31

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By Abu - 25/12/2016 10:05

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I submitted an entry for a logo design contest for my employer. Apparently, it is possible to lose a contest even when you had the only entry. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2011 01:40 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my doctor told me I had "abnormally large breasts." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a 20 year old man. FML

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By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 11:58 - New Zealand

Today, at the supermarket, I ignored the "Riding on trolleys down the ramp is strictly prohibited" sign. While going full speed down the ramp, my trolley with $200 worth of groceries in it tipped and crashed. Luckily, I broke its fall. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By living_thedream - 14/1/2013 06:51 - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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By PLU - 27/1/2011 00:57 - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

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By fmljae - 20/1/2011 09:11

Today, I rented a 4x4 to take my wife to a secret secluded beach for our anniversary. I got as close as I could to the spot and parked on the beach. After a few romantic hours we returned to find the car half way up the windows with water. I forgot it was king tide. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2009 07:27 - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

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By doggone - 14/7/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 08:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 21:01 - Germany - M?hlhausen

Today, I found out why my boyfriend likes to do my hair and makeup for me. Far from it being some kind of fetish or hobby, it's because he thinks I do such a crappy job that feels he has to apply it himself so I don't "embarrass" him when we're out in public together. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2019 14:00

Today, I was at a waterpark with my friends, waiting in line for about 45 minutes to go on the biggest ride there. When it was finally our turn, the lifeguard at the top pulled me over and measured me to see if I was tall enough. I wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 14:00

Sharing is caring

Today, nine months after changing my entire life when my father had a stroke and I became his carer full time, I called my sister to talk about some his irrational behavior. All I got in response was, "I just watched a sad movie, I can't deal with this right now." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 20:08 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I worked up the confidence to go to the mall alone for the first time since being confined to a wheelchair. It didn't even take 20 minutes before some teenager grabbed my wheelchair and tried to race me around, all while his friends watched and laughed. FML

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By forever alone - 5/5/2019 04:00

Today, I was so desperate for someone to talk to I called various restaurants pretending to be interested in ordering food, just so I could have a conversation. I called eleven different places. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2016 12:00 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

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By mylifesucks - 26/3/2011 07:05

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

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By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By WearingOff - 14/7/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, I realized my new kitten is the spawn of the devil. It decided to go get itself stuck in a tree. I tried to climb up to rescue it. But it kept climbing higher. I was about to grab the cat when I fell. The cat then jumped down and started purring. FML

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By Sleeper_C3ll - 4/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 02:04 - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

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By pokeOww - 13/9/2019 22:00

Dash!

Today, my brother thought it'd be hilarious to tease a group of Pokémon players. They thought it'd be hilarious to beat both our asses. FML

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By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By yourekillingme - 19/2/2016 04:12 - United States - Mission

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By fuckjuggalos - 29/6/2012 23:57 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

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Top comments

By LittleRed79 | 39

#6494951 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:55

Sounds like maybe your mom should've given him a divorce for Christmas instead.

By Robert3Lee | 13

#6494947 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:54

Sounds like he needs to talk to a counselor and see why he needs to talk to other woman. I'm sorry about your dad OP

COMMENTS

By Robert3Lee | 13

#6494947 - Monday 28 December 2016 0:54

Sounds like he needs to talk to a counselor and see why he needs to talk to other woman. I'm sorry about your dad OP

mds9986 | 24

#6495303 - Monday 28 December 2016 9:55

Perhaps he doesn't know a lot about the AppStore and downloaded a bunch of "trending" apps that happen to be a few dating ones?

PencilTips | 19

#6495396 - Monday 28 December 2016 12:30

@36 If he knows how to use the app store in the first place, I would assume that he knows how to read titles of different available apps and choose which to download...