Geek: Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have...

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 287

You deserved it 3 312

Geek

Insurance is a scam

Creepy

Scarcity

By Az - 13/06/2012 00:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 853

You deserved it 2 370

By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 107

You deserved it 17 736

By Nathan - 17/01/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I printed my 10 page econometrics problem set questions out on $15/100 sheet ivory resume paper that I'd accidentally left in the paper tray on my printer. It turned out to be the wrong assignment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 662

You deserved it 18 514

By coolhand - 29/08/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 481

You deserved it 67 292

By And yes, he does also believe in the Illuminati. - 11/06/2017 22:00

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 036

You deserved it 357

By ripdivine - 24/02/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 259

You deserved it 56 420

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 19:08 - United States

Today, I woke up early to go to church with my parents. When I got in the car, I was struck with the worst diarrhea I've ever had in my life. My parents told me I'd be cleaning the car out when we got there, because if we turned around, we'd be late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 465

You deserved it 3 193

Shopping fun

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 22:59

Today, my boyfriend talked me into wearing vibrating underwear in public and of course we bumped into my mom shopping, and of course he chose that moment to turn them on with the remote. The vibrating was way louder than we were expecting, and my mom just walked away shaking her head at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 1 938

By Anonymous - 23/09/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 978

You deserved it 3 697

Boo!

By HauntLife - 21/09/2017 20:00

Today, rehearsals started for the haunted house I act in. As we were running through the house and reading through our lines, the set designer turned on the hydraulic pump to test something, accidentally causing a tumbling bookshelf effect to go off. Guess where I was standing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 475

You deserved it 199

By J-Sauce - 22/02/2016 23:32 - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. Had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 432

You deserved it 2 200

By jynxisadouchebag - 27/02/2015 00:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was doing laundry, so I decided to wash my cat's blanket. He chased me down the stairs into the basement, and I slightly closed the door behind me so he wouldn't follow me. He pushed the door shut, which automatically locks. I was trapped down there for 3 hours until my mom came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 297

You deserved it 5 795

By "doyouwantmedead" - 21/08/2017 12:00 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I asked my mom if I could go to a friend's birthday. She said no, claiming I had been to too many this year already. I'd only been to one. It was my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 262

You deserved it 209

By Spongebob Garypants - 26/05/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 190

You deserved it 2 057

Home delivery

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 08:01

Today, I received two letters: an eviction notice and a Dear John. Neither went through the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 58

By Anonymous - 14/04/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 105

You deserved it 5 965

Here I go again

By Anonymous - 03/01/2013 05:02 - United States - Austin

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 949

You deserved it 10 063

By feelin a lil left out - 01/01/2016 08:35 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I found out what it means to be the only single person in my group of friends. They had a New Year's party and didn't invite me because they didn't want me to "feel alone". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 836

You deserved it 1 636

By Anonymous - 04/05/2014 21:07 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 659

You deserved it 6 697

By alexa - 08/12/2015 17:14 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 989

You deserved it 2 618

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 782

You deserved it 3 303

By mastermind - 01/09/2019 02:00

Today, I can add "Ferrari" to the long list of cars I’ve almost been hit by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 205

By korbo7 - 17/05/2016 03:26 - United States - Grand Island

Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 526

You deserved it 1 405

No Ragrets

By surfergal91 - 14/02/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 626

You deserved it 4 135

By Anonymous - 23/05/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, the guy I have loved for seven years asked me to move in with him. Turns out he only did so because he needed someone to pay the rent since he's quit his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 982

You deserved it 4 921

Real life

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 22:59

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 16 months has had an "internet-only" girlfriend since before we got together, but she wasn't ever "real" to him, so he didn't think it would get in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 87

By 800z - 16/08/2011 06:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 420

You deserved it 4 599

By addict - 26/08/2017 13:00

Today, after spending over a year getting clean and sober, I started feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms and couldn't understand why. It turns out my wife had been dosing my food with Adderall "to keep me on track" and just stopped. So much for my anniversary chip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 005

You deserved it 288

By Lady Vulva - 19/09/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 749

You deserved it 3 034

Healthcare for all

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 11:01

Today, I’m massively depressed and I live in a state that will prosecute you for attempted suicide, but will do nothing to help you afford mental health. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 81

By asparagus piss - 19/10/2012 17:05 - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 680

You deserved it 6 587

By Anonymous - 03/05/2014 05:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 101

You deserved it 3 430

By Stressed Seamstress - 16/11/2017 00:00 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 268

You deserved it 761

By Anonymous - 20/07/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 424

You deserved it 7 770

Bad omens all around

By bubble wrapped girl - 13/05/2021 19:01 - United States - Medford

Today, I got into a accident at the dunes, rolling a Razor buggy. Last weekend, I sleepwalked and microwaved my phone. Last month, I gave myself third degree burns while curling my hair. I need to live in a bubble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 259

Y'all need fiber.

By blondie875 - 26/05/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 428

You deserved it 1 319

By tee - 06/04/2015 20:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 250

You deserved it 1 946

By LD619 - 16/12/2010 05:51 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 564

You deserved it 44 475

Transference

By KayBee - 30/01/2021 02:00

Today, my psychiatrist of 6 years suddenly and out of nowhere told me I need to see someone else. She gave me the equivalent of the "it's not you it's me' speech." Actually her assistant told me via email. I basically got broken up with by someone I was paying a lot of money to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 94

By Burny - 12/10/2017 16:00

Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 794

You deserved it 270

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Top comments

BassGirl 5

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:24

shit happens

MzMegs 20

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:23

Disgusting. :(

MzMegs 20

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:23

Disgusting. :(

daltreix 3

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:38

yum, that sounds tasty

LightSkinFresh 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 2:13

did he die?

12596 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:14

he was either shitting or something just as strenuous

Sayhwhat 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:37

yum

YDI_S 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:42

YDI for your dad getting a new phone and puting you on speed dial. You have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump.

gopherguy 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 4:30

lmao 11

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Thursday 21 October 2010 4:31

Is it just me, or are the trolls getting lazier and less creative around here? =

MAGNAVOX 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 5:09

Isn't taking a shit normal?

dreamering 16

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Thursday 21 October 2010 6:07

@56. Trolls are getting laid or getting a big dump. Either way they are justified. Wannabies suck anyway.

dreamering 16

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Thursday 21 October 2010 6:12

By the way: How did he find out that the dump was monstrous? Did he hear a thunder or something?

legonut6 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 7:14

Not trolling, but no one is forcing you to sit through listening to the whole voicemail, so YDI for listening to each one in full even when it was obvious that it was a useless voicemail.

YouAlwaysDeserve_fml 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 7:49

Gg noob just leave u suck, u gav me first blood and now ur feeding? Lol i killed u as rhasta and ursa gg bily chendra(billypwnedyou) uswest. raped hard by girlsdontpoop u jewnoob

stephanie0613 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 10:33

How is this a FML? You weren't forced to keep listening to each voicemail, erase them and move on with your life. Problem solved.

my2centsworth 15

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Thursday 21 October 2010 11:19

it's not just you.

SkateElement44 0

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Friday 22 October 2010 8:59

Amazing

stephanie0613 0

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Friday 22 October 2010 10:45

I agree with 81, it's so dumb that my comment got moderated :(

ugh_ppl_r_dumb 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:24

Ew thats nasty:/

Haterman123 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:56

ya think?

sowhatursayingis 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 6:16

can ya smell me now?

BassGirl 5

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:24

shit happens

wtfurcrazy 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:24

lol you're punny

erwinbear 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:59

guess OP's in a real shitty situation;P

mattman1994 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 2:35

poop

zp5 4

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:36

fuck.

mattman1994 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:42

indeed.

zp5 4

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:52

quite.

Haterman123 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:58

yea thumbs up If u like puns

zp5 4

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Thursday 21 October 2010 4:01

*clicks thumbs down*

illegalnative 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 9:08

-pushes easy botton- boohoo

AlterCreed 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 15:25

pun.

megamandude455 10

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Thursday 21 October 2010 19:44

hey 49 

Bloodknight 22

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:24

Aww, somebody loves you!

W4X 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:25

So don't listen to voicemail from your dad.

Jaguar1234 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:25

that's greaaaaaaat

marinus_fml 19

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:26

Hahah your old man is pretty funny :) atleast you didn't accidently get one from him fucking a mistress? Why do you not answer your phons tho?

Nerrage 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:26

Butt dialing! It happens, even when your pants are down! Be glad it wasn't another time when his pants were down while your mom was around!

mintcar 9

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:28

Hahaha, oh dear.

ROFLBERRYPIE 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 1:36

OP you should "accidentally" dial your dad when you're having sex.

W4X 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 2:37

Op can't get pussycats or if it's a girl than Moby Dick.

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 21 October 2010 2:43

If anyone can translate this into English, please do so.

W4X 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 2:53

My comment or the post?

illmatic2 16

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Thursday 21 October 2010 3:10

Doc- He was saying that the OP can't find any girls to have sex with. Or if the OP is a girl then she can't find any guys to have sex with. I'm good at speaking stupid.

DocBastard 38

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Thursday 21 October 2010 4:17

Really? That's really what that meant? Double you tee eff.

Kua_Mei 0

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Thursday 21 October 2010 5:11

W4X was using titles of books or (is Pussycats a book? I can't recall) other media similar to the slang words for "vagina" and "penis," respectively, to indicate sex.