Miscellaneous: Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Technologically challenged

I'm a mess

By Arden

Today, my dog peed on my bed because my parents were presumably having sex and I was too scared to go downstairs and take her out because of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the guy I've been sending anonymous, dirty emails to knows who I am. My signature, which includes my full name, was automatically added to the end of every email. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my professor handed me back a paper I spent hours upon hours working on. At the bottom in red it said "D" followed by, "that was a gift." FML

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By smartass - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

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By ohhhman - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By Sprinkles - Australia

Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML

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By Nate - 21/12/2020 11:02

Born to run

Today, I can’t divorce my lazy, unemployed, shopping-addicted, cheating wife because her father is one of the best, sleaziest, underhanded divorce lawyers in our city. FML

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By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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By Creeped Out

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, "No Brandon! I don't want to have sex!" My wife won't have sex with me when she's awake OR in her dreams. FML

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By anotherfmladdict - United States - Muscatine

Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, neither I nor any of my coworkers understand why our boss hates me enough that I feel the need to carry pepperspray on me at all times. FML

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By fuck - Netherlands

Misunderstood

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Whack

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, these cute girls approached me and asked me to take a picture of them. One girl asked me if I could send it to her because her phone had died. I was excited to have her number, but it turns out that she deleted the message after she sent the picture to herself. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By waterbottlehit - United States

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

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By silentsuzie - United States

Today, I realized I can never live with my fiancée. A childhood of systematic teasing, abuse, and humiliation has made me terrified to use a bathroom around a guy if there's the slightest chance I can be heard, seen, or even have anyone know what I'm up to. Therapy has yet to fix anything. FML

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By Emily - United States - Boston

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

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By adrenochrome - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

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By militarywife2b - France

Today, at work, I watched a man throw up in his hands, dump the contents on his plate, then eat the things it "didn't touch". I had to wash his plate. FML

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By water fail - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

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By DED - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By Thai that on for size - New Zealand - Silverdale

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

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By Female - United States - Montebello

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

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By bdayboy - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

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By Nile - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She said no because she doesn't want to be tied down for the rest of her life. We already have 3 children, a mortgage, and joint bank accounts. How much more tied down could we possibly get? FML

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By Bad Dad - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By technicallywroteabook - United States - Grapevine

Help!

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By Unwanted - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

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By Jesusman

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

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By WillaminaL - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5483500 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 11:58

Easier to light up on one big candle than 70 small ones.
Good thinking!

By grahmagog | 14

#5483501 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 11:58

I've said this before and i'll say it again, old people are awesome

COMMENTS

By oj101 | 33

#5483496 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 11:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

munkyjunkie | 7

#5483554 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:33

They've reached 70, i think they can light up and be happy together.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5483500 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 11:58

Easier to light up on one big candle than 70 small ones.
Good thinking!

By grahmagog | 14

#5483501 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 11:58

I've said this before and i'll say it again, old people are awesome

By carry_on | 19

#5483505 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:01

This must have been so funny, I can only imagine what my grandparents would be like stoned!

zandalee | 19

#5483539 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:17

Mine would be funny as fuck!

By Fluffydemise | 18

#5483509 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:02

Did you join them?

Sounds like they know how to paar-tay!

By catanita | 18

#5483513 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:04

Did you bother to ask them if it was for medicinal purpose?

:):):)

By ozpunker | 20

#5483514 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:04

Oh you crazy grandparents.

By Wizardo | 33

#5483515 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:05

The older you get the less you care, let them smoke that blunt and enjoy themselves, they sound pretty bossy to me...

By PhotoSmith | 25

#5483516 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:05

This, and heart attacks are the reasons never to surprise old people.

By ArcherMan2015 | 6

#5483522 - Wednesday 8 May 2013 12:07

How is this an FML??