Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's...

By Ashley J. - 1/3/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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Health

Does it taste good?

Great boyfriend

Whatthefuckaburger

By D.J. - 25/1/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 16:17 - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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By idk ask freud - 4/7/2013 04:11 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

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By toobroketoprotest - 16/8/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

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By allocomrade - 29/7/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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By High school senior - 31/8/2017 23:15

Today, I spent the first day of my senior year in the ER because my new ear piercing got so infected that the doctors had to cut the earring out. FML

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By M2thaM - 29/5/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

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By lk26 - 8/2/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

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By sunshinexx - 7/9/2012 09:50 - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

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By Pokerking98 - 16/5/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, while biking I got into a major crash with two cars. The cars were parked. FML

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By Rafiki - 22/2/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

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By Jess - 4/5/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my husband and I got back from our honeymoon and we saw his mom's car in front of our house. When we walked in she asked us so many questions about our trip. The first question she asked my husband was, "Were you satisfied with her in bed?" FML

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By nobodywasthere - 29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

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By Ginger - 3/2/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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By Somethingtoworryabout - 26/10/2018 22:00

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

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By Dudeman5000 - 21/1/2009 06:59 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen - 24/6/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By mermaidkeels - 18/6/2016 08:51 - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

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By peacock_mina19 - 11/2/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 15:57 - Canada

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By opinaise - 2/8/2012 13:00 - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By Unwanted - 10/6/2010 12:54 - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By toe - 3/2/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

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By helpme - 4/12/2013 04:05 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

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By szechuansauce - 10/4/2017 20:00

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

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By smellychick - 14/3/2018 11:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

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By mjbx - 1/1/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2011 10:09 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using my moisturiser as lube when he wanks. It's $90 per bottle. FML

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By lk07 - 12/7/2019 16:00

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

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By uetlqdja - 21/5/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By Crushed - 4/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By Noname - 2/1/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked "why does it smell so bad?" I replied "sweat". FML

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By Stung - 3/8/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By need not know - 19/1/2020 05:00

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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By jaimpastaggle - 6/10/2016 14:24 - France

Today, after spending over two hours cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom, my 5-year-old then runs in, yells, “Snowstorm!” and throws a bag of flour all over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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By space_cadet90818 - 8/3/2010 00:16 - United States

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

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By zobara - 2/2/2012 04:35 - Switzerland

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

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By kdgirl - 21/9/2010 03:02 - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By dumbasdogshit - 11/8/2012 00:45 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I discovered that when a cyclist tears down the street, slaps you across the face as he passes, looks back laughing and flips you off, then crashes into a lamppost, he'll still blame you and threaten to sue, even after you rush over to check his injuries. FML

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Top comments

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#10480 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:15

I hope she's alright, but come on, you guys shouldn't have done that. Don't ever take anyone over 80 by surprise.

By collegeboy89 | 0

#10495 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:24

who throws a 96 year old person a surprise party... SURPRISE, end of life.

Comments

By bonestructure | 0

#10447 - Monday 2 March 2009 1:55

ouch..

ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7772811 - Saturday 23 February 2019 13:38

One fail

By Triad_fml | 0

#10454 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:00

wow

ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7772812 - Saturday 23 February 2019 13:39

And two fail 👎

By bobdole | 0

#10466 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:06

no she didn't

By dammn | 0

#10474 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:11

... hope shes ok !

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#10480 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:15

I hope she's alright, but come on, you guys shouldn't have done that. Don't ever take anyone over 80 by surprise.

By Jason_fml | 0

#10486 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:18

This is either fake or you are an idiot. She is 96 years old, obviously you do not want to surprise her like that. The fact that you thought it was a good idea is surprising by itself, but that no one in your family objected is dumbfounding. None of you thought, "Oh hey, old people have to be careful not to get too stressed or surprised or strain themselves too much because their bodies just can't handle it anymore, maybe it is not smart to have everyone surprise our 96 year old relative"? Poor woman, her offspring have no common sense.

By collegeboy89 | 0

#10495 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:24

who throws a 96 year old person a surprise party... SURPRISE, end of life.

By daniellerose | 0

#10519 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:40

hahahah #8

butwhy | 5

#7656962 - Thursday 5 July 2018 2:58

Where do you see the number on the comments? I feel like an idiot for asking, but I can't figure it out. Lol.

By i_love_nick | 0

#10529 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:47

first of all, SHE'S 96!!!!! you dont "surprise" an old woman like that......
hope she's okay though

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#10560 - Monday 2 March 2009 3:12

Your grandma got ZINGED by her heart!!!