Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's...

By Ashley J. - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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Health

And today, on Dr Phil…

Everyone's an expert

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By Sara - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Orange

Today, I asked a customer for a number we could call her at to let her know when we'd finished fixing her PC. I'm so desperately lonely that when she wrote it down for me, I got a raging boner. FML

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By UN4 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

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By pugs - France

Today, the girl I've been dating asked me to describe her body. I said "Thin an toned but curvy in all the right places." I then asked her the same question to which she replied, "I don't know, you know I'm always drunk when we're together." FML

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By clop clop clopping all the way - United States

Today, a guy's car broke down in my street, so I helped him push it into my driveway, checked his car out, and gave it a jump start. He thanked me, then as he went to pull out, he instead smashed straight into my car. FML

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By Badaboom - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

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By emeraldapostle

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By yikes - United States

Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

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By bummed

Today, my family and I went on a hike to a local abandoned gold mine, with the hopes of being able to explore the caves. What we didn't expect was four miles of treacherous, rocky, near vertical trails that led to the mine. Once we finally got there, exhausted, it was blocked off for safety reasons. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By Aryah - United States - Irving

Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 05:00

Get out

Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML

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By Randomm - 12/12/2019 20:00

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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By daddysjudy92

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 17:01

Nutritious

Today, I caught my dog “cleaning” the cat’s litter box. He won’t be giving me any kisses anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By child of a crazed women - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By CassafrasSss - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By mumblingdope - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

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By BURGERT0WN USA - United States - Redmond

Today, I texted the girl I'm going to homecoming with in a couple days to say hi. The conversation started OK, but then morphed into her saying that she doesn't feel anything between us, and wants to stop being friends after the dance. I have to buy her dinner and a ticket, out of my own wallet. FML

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By DocKreso - Croatia - Split

Today, I had to remove a glass bottle, complete with an ineffective pullstring, from a patient's rectum. He claimed that he'd accidentally sat on it, and later threatened to sue me for every penny if I breathed a word of it to anyone. Oops, looks like I just did. FML

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By B-Rad - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flemington

Today, I realized how weak I truly am when I tore a muscle in my hand trying to discreetly fix a wedgie. FML

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By kewlio45 - United States

Today, the dentist sneezed in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML

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By nosebleeder - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By Dreadge - Israel

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. A couple of cute girls started talking to me, telling me how much they liked my dreads. Seeing this, my mother stepped up next to me, patted me on the shoulder, and said, "This here is my little baby, treat him nicely!" Thanks, Mom. FML

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By bathroomgirl - United States

Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I purchased a cactus in a cute little pot and put it on my windowsill so it could get sun. Unfortunately, that's also where I have my alarm clock. Guess which one I grabbed in the morning. FML

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By Z'ev - United States - New York

Today, I went to get my car fixed. There was a vending machine in the waiting room, and I was hungry. The snacks were overpriced, but I still had a little money left over. I noticed a bag of Cheetos hanging loose, so I paid for them, hoping to get two bags. They both got stuck. FML

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By -.- - United States

Today, I suggestively asked my boyfriend to take a shower with me. He got in, washed himself, and got out, ignoring me the whole time. FML

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By sigh - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

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By Renesmeekuhnell - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

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By bobbies - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

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Top comments

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#10480 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:15

I hope she's alright, but come on, you guys shouldn't have done that. Don't ever take anyone over 80 by surprise.

By collegeboy89 | 0

#10495 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:24

who throws a 96 year old person a surprise party... SURPRISE, end of life.

COMMENTS

By bonestructure | 0

#10447 - Monday 2 March 2009 1:55

ouch..

ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7772811 - Saturday 23 February 2019 13:38

One fail

By Triad_fml | 0

#10454 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:00

wow

ArbiterOfFML | 24

#7772812 - Saturday 23 February 2019 13:39

And two fail 👎

By bobdole | 0

#10466 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:06

no she didn't

By dammn | 0

#10474 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:11

... hope shes ok !

By thebaroness1984 | 0

#10480 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:15

I hope she's alright, but come on, you guys shouldn't have done that. Don't ever take anyone over 80 by surprise.

By Jason_fml | 0

#10486 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:18

This is either fake or you are an idiot. She is 96 years old, obviously you do not want to surprise her like that. The fact that you thought it was a good idea is surprising by itself, but that no one in your family objected is dumbfounding. None of you thought, "Oh hey, old people have to be careful not to get too stressed or surprised or strain themselves too much because their bodies just can't handle it anymore, maybe it is not smart to have everyone surprise our 96 year old relative"? Poor woman, her offspring have no common sense.

By collegeboy89 | 0

#10495 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:24

who throws a 96 year old person a surprise party... SURPRISE, end of life.

By daniellerose | 0

#10519 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:40

hahahah #8

butwhy | 5

#7656962 - Thursday 5 July 2018 2:58

Where do you see the number on the comments? I feel like an idiot for asking, but I can't figure it out. Lol.

By i_love_nick | 0

#10529 - Monday 2 March 2009 2:47

first of all, SHE'S 96!!!!! you dont "surprise" an old woman like that......
hope she's okay though

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#10560 - Monday 2 March 2009 3:12

Your grandma got ZINGED by her heart!!!