Health: Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 611

01/03/2009 22:04

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 151

You deserved it 17 491

Sorry…

Great first impression

Bad day

I don't need to see this

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 06:32

Today, I found out that my best friend likes the same person as I do, but she doesn’t know that I'm in love with him, and she keeps sending me their flirty texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 278

Inspired

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 06:24

Spicy

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend. I started to come, screaming, "Ah... ah... ah... AHH!" To which he added, "Staying alive! Staying alive!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 484

You deserved it 22 268

09/11/2010 16:00

Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 846

You deserved it 2 822

14/01/2010 06:45

Today, after 8 years, I confessed one of my best friends I've been in love with him since we were kiddies. His answer was "Don't worry, I won't stop talking to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 922

You deserved it 4 127

09/08/2009 17:41

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 205

You deserved it 3 796

14/03/2011 17:22

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 170

You deserved it 3 440

The final countdown

By Hapaboy808 - 08/07/2020 23:01

Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 341

11/02/2016 23:18

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 461

You deserved it 2 641

Barf

By rawr_ily96 - 24/05/2020 08:00

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 192

Fair point

By beenawhile - 20/09/2019 04:03

Today, my 17 year-old brother asked me if I used birth control. When I told him I did, he responded, "Isn't that like using an inhalor when you don't have asthma?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 207

Parental approval

By Conor Moreau - 18/08/2020 23:02

Today, I left my favorite hoodie in the kitchen. Not 5 seconds after I left the kitchen to go to my room, I overheard my dad say, "Any chance we can just throw that out before he notices?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 385

02/05/2019 18:00

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 590

You deserved it 1 024

Too stupid

By Anonymous - 15/02/2020 01:00

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 2 176

27/10/2008 04:57

Spicy

Today, after a party, I brought a girl to the flat I share with my 2 best friends. While we are doing it, she asks me "You're not afraid your friends could hear us?". The only answer that spontaneously came out of my mouth: "Don't worry, they're used to it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 474

You deserved it 88 995

29/10/2013 22:09

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 793

You deserved it 2 790

03/04/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 773

08/10/2015 15:10

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 251

You deserved it 2 822

They're not real

By Boyufd - 05/11/2020 17:01

Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she's mad at me. And she won't change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 827

You deserved it 327

Not worth it

By Anonymous - 14/10/2021 16:58

Today, I realized what pulling an all-nighter means in reality. You’re psyched and active for about two hours after the decision, then you plod along bleary-eyed for another 4-8, after which you inevitably fall into bed, only to end up tired and with a fucked-up sleep cycle for the next few days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567

You deserved it 390

Far out, man

By PickedOff - 27/04/2012 08:22

Today, I was worried about my brother because he said that his new medication was making him hallucinate. I told him he should see a doctor right away. He said it was fine and that he had already seen a doctor. I later found out the doctor he was talking about was a hallucination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 022

You deserved it 2 597

27/09/2009 12:17

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, by text, while we were in the same room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 075

You deserved it 4 246

05/11/2014 01:16

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 827

You deserved it 4 410

Over and out

By hatinthelife - 18/02/2012 06:34

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 365

You deserved it 4 429

25/04/2012 18:46

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 816

You deserved it 2 365

15/06/2009 23:18

Spicy

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 906

You deserved it 50 764

30/12/2012 07:32

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 790

You deserved it 2 765

16/09/2009 20:08

Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear ended them and then got rear ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 795

You deserved it 57 140

06/11/2009 22:26

Today, my younger brother decided it would be fun to slam a door on my hand while I was holding my brand new $200 cell phone that I got for my birthday. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a broken phone to go along with a broken hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 675

You deserved it 2 589

Man's best friend

By Theresa - 10/10/2020 17:01

Today, at my daughter's soccer game, my nephew's dog helped herself to the Snowball I was eating, leaving fur on the side she didn't lick and left it unsalvageable. She peed on the blanket I was sitting on, tried to bite another kid, and went on to pop my kid's soccer ball that she'd used twice since I purchased it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 286

04/09/2018 23:00

Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 576

You deserved it 839

11/12/2015 19:16

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 177

You deserved it 3 703

30/09/2016 04:05

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 796

You deserved it 1 350

04/11/2009 21:42

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 514

You deserved it 8 126

09/01/2010 21:26

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 320

You deserved it 7 661

Not worth it

By Reebee - 27/09/2017 01:30

Spicy

Today, I got off late from my bartending job, which is close to my house, but my boyfriend begged me to come to his place half an hour away. I decided the sex would be worth the drive. He was sound asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 221

You deserved it 525

11/03/2009 20:29

Spicy

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 799

You deserved it 9 552

16/03/2019 22:00

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 160

You deserved it 233

30/06/2009 23:26

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 710

You deserved it 4 808

Please leave

By Anonymous - 10/06/2019 22:00

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 868

You deserved it 150

Oh lawd, he comin'

By logkitty - 10/04/2012 04:35

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gunpoint, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 528

You deserved it 12 776

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Top comments

thebaroness1984 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:15

I hope she's alright, but come on, you guys shouldn't have done that. Don't ever take anyone over 80 by surprise.

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:24

who throws a 96 year old person a surprise party... SURPRISE, end of life.

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bonestructure 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 1:55

ouch..

ArbiterOfFML 24

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Saturday 23 February 2019 13:38

One fail

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:00

wow

ArbiterOfFML 24

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Saturday 23 February 2019 13:39

And two fail 👎

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:06

no she didn't

dammn 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:11

... hope shes ok !

thebaroness1984 0

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:15

I hope she's alright, but come on, you guys shouldn't have done that. Don't ever take anyone over 80 by surprise.

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:18

This is either fake or you are an idiot. She is 96 years old, obviously you do not want to surprise her like that. The fact that you thought it was a good idea is surprising by itself, but that no one in your family objected is dumbfounding. None of you thought, "Oh hey, old people have to be careful not to get too stressed or surprised or strain themselves too much because their bodies just can't handle it anymore, maybe it is not smart to have everyone surprise our 96 year old relative"? Poor woman, her offspring have no common sense.

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:24

who throws a 96 year old person a surprise party... SURPRISE, end of life.

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:40

hahahah #8

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Thursday 5 July 2018 2:58

Where do you see the number on the comments? I feel like an idiot for asking, but I can't figure it out. Lol.

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Monday 2 March 2009 2:47

first of all, SHE'S 96!!!!! you dont "surprise" an old woman like that...... hope she's okay though

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Monday 2 March 2009 3:12

Your grandma got ZINGED by her heart!!!