Health: Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around...

By ubbernoob - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

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Health

And today, on Dr Phil…

This Charming Man

Triage

By mandieee

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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By muddygal - United States

Stuck

Today, while driving with my family, the car got stuck in a large patch of mud. My family of seven decided that I, the fifteen year old girl, would be best suited to push it out. After slipping, falling, and getting completely covered in mud, they finally called a tow truck. FML

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By Emma - 17/3/2021 22:59

The heat is on

Today, I met my boyfriend’s 6 year-old son. The first thing he said to me was, "You’re not going to leave us for another man like mommy did, right?" FML

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By chinatownhobo - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

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By William Johnson - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother lectured me about going to the bar too often. She did this while rolling a joint. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Rotorua

Dogbowl

Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML

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By kumcat - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I have to reschedule my upcoming honeymoon because my office will be understaffed that week, due to the boss going on vacation right after my wedding. Oh, yeah, and he's in my bridal party. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, what was meant to be a fun hour-long paddle with a friend turned into a 5 hour ordeal involving a coast guard helicopter, an ambulance, a hospital visit and a ruined canoe. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

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By Silverfeathery

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

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By ArtistBlock

Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

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By nokitchenforme - Canada

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

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By Lifeguard - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By historyfreak_17 - United States - Dearborn Heights

Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML

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By poorclubgoer - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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By Clumsy - United States - Millville

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

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By Toomuchisoutofcontrol

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend. I'm usually in control and do my own thing. He tried taking control and I ended throwing up on him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

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By sly - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

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By donkeyd - United States

Today, I woke up and had a voicemail from my boyfriend. I just thought nothing of it because it was a pocket dial. I decided to listen to it carefully and realized it was him having sex with another girl. FML

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By Cirese Summerrose

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

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By scared shitless - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By ugly? - United States

Today, at work, a weird old woman came up to me and told me that it's okay: being ugly isn't a choice, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that it's what inside that counts. She then hugged me and walked away. FML

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By dentistvictim - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By Alice - United States

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

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By indian:( - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

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By need a job - 24/6/2021 13:02 - United States

Today, on Asshat Bosses…

Today, I was fired from my cashier job for "abandoning my post." I saw a man pass out in the 100° heat in front of our store and I rushed to give him water. Not to worry though, my manager assured me he wouldn’t press charges for the water I took from the fridge, but I’m still fired. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

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By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - Netherlands - Leiden

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

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By socialbanana - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for drunk driving. This is the second time its happened. I was completely sober both times. FML

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By kappaomicron - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

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Top comments

By carriealana | 0

#16860 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:04

What kind of joke is that? Even if she hadn't died, it wouldn't be funny!

By waterside88 | 0

#16870 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:06

aw! what bad timing you have..

COMMENTS

By carriealana | 0

#16860 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:04

What kind of joke is that? Even if she hadn't died, it wouldn't be funny!

ilikepie789 | 0

#851022 - Saturday 13 February 2010 6:37

#1s kinda hot

alexomAnexo | 0

#937808 - Friday 12 March 2010 2:37

Agreed.

RJohnyblaze | 0

#1032449 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 17:49

agreed. FYL

lsufan003 | 0

#1055331 - Friday 2 July 2010 21:16

no.. no she's not.. she looks like a whale

PurpleLlamas | 0

#1074670 - Friday 9 July 2010 0:28

ya seriously why would you joke about grammy dying?? you totally fuckin deserved it!!

mayumm | 0

#1159995 - Friday 30 July 2010 5:46

WAIT. what do you mean grandma FInALLY die? did yiu WANT her to die??? YDI for being retarted and making a dumb joke like that.

mygreenhoodie | 0

#2078922 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:52

your spelling hurts my eyes..

WTSchool | 0

#2547307 - Sunday 22 May 2011 4:56

This FML made me feel sad. YDI for making such a horrible joke.

By waterside88 | 0

#16870 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:06

aw! what bad timing you have..

By 0___0 | 9

#16871 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:07

I agree with both the people above me :/

BUT LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL at you :)

By Weil | 0

#16878 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:09

ololololololol

By McLaughlane | 0

#16879 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:10

...slick. :P

By Xinxinix | 0

#16891 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:12

You have terrible timing... I could only imagine their response...

By SilverBallet | 0

#16895 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:12

The power of words...

By Sean123 | 0

#16897 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:13

that wasn't even close to being funny and even if she didnt die thats the worst thing to say to family, what u want her to die.

By amandaxotracy | 0

#16898 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:13

hahah i literally laughed out loud at that, but i am sorry.
i send my condolences.

By z_vet | 0

#16904 - Thursday 5 March 2009 23:14

Stupid joke dude.