Kids: Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep...

By Anonymous - 01/08/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 102

You deserved it 5 758

Kids

Check that expiration date man, it's later than you think

Well deserved break

Kevin can fuck himself

By thathurt - 29/03/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my college economics class had a big test. We all needed a scantron sheet, but some people forgot some. I had an extra one and this really hot girl offered to buy it for $1.00. I said I'd give it to her for her number. She looked around and asked "Does anyone else have an extra?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 037

You deserved it 29 995

By Doublescrewed - 06/10/2015 00:23

Today, I showed up for my first shift in my new night job; I now work at an apartment complex in the day and a gas station at night. It turns out that our biggest problem tenant in the former happens to be my boss in the latter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 052

You deserved it 1 558

By damniphone - 29/06/2013 05:31 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 028

You deserved it 8 690

By joe - 31/01/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 669

You deserved it 26 714

By Skidaddle123 - 23/08/2011 16:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 916

You deserved it 9 691

By fuck my goddamn life - 15/02/2014 20:51 - United States

Today, I'm stuck in a hotel with my psychotic mom, all because she swore there were "demonic" noises coming from our oven. Yeah, our oven is totally possessed, you idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 470

You deserved it 4 819

By YoshiSqu4d - 22/05/2019 04:00

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 655

You deserved it 192

By WaffleMan - 08/06/2012 11:58 - United States - Stirling

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 225

You deserved it 48 651

Is that a pass then?

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 340

By Shooting myself - 10/02/2014 18:57 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 245

You deserved it 22 096

By Tanny - 19/04/2017 04:00

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 606

You deserved it 628

By WestboroBC - 03/02/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 418

You deserved it 72 237

Falling down

By Anonymous - 28/06/2021 00:01

Today, I was doing laundry. I went to go grab a couple of detergent pods. Forgetting that I'm 5'3 and the pods are above the industrial-sized washer, I reached for them and fell backwards into a hole where the water from the washer goes. My left leg got soaked in dirt water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 174

By oops - 19/04/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 142

You deserved it 4 504

By Damnsoup - 03/07/2009 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 099

You deserved it 6 943

By MM - 02/02/2012 14:50

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 119

You deserved it 3 642

Doggy dog world

By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 201

By WaitedOut - 03/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 253

You deserved it 2 106

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 131

You deserved it 2 601

By BadassNinja - 05/09/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 778

You deserved it 50 971

By Anonymous - 15/02/2014 22:44 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 650

You deserved it 8 770

By ninja_blasphemer - 25/07/2011 19:24 - Ireland

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 984

You deserved it 7 774

By Anonymous - 25/02/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex girlfriend that never moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 328

You deserved it 2 869

By Anonymous - 17/12/2018 13:30

Today, I have a busy week scheduled at work, so I took my file home to smash out some reports. Naturally I did not do any work at home and then I also forgot to take the file back to work the next day. Instead of saving time, I wasted an hour driving home to collect it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 2 062

By kaycie_lynn - 19/02/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 755

You deserved it 71 450

By Rayvyn - 21/10/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I tried to soothe it with some Ramen, which helped for a while. Later on, I felt worse and threw up the soup. Noodles came out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 797

You deserved it 7 347

By M3DO - 03/08/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 748

You deserved it 795

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 547

You deserved it 6 406

By Anonymous - 15/02/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 155

You deserved it 6 272

By f03_f0r_l1f3 - 26/06/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. Driving her home, we got stuck in a construction zone. I waited half an hour with with my ex-girlfriend bawling her eyes out in the passenger seat as I watched the traffic lady eat her lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 149

You deserved it 65 640

First impressions

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 07:51 - Australia

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The interviewer started by introducing herself and asking how I was. I got caught between introducing myself and telling her how I was and replied, "I'm Kate thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 531

You deserved it 5 410

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 04/03/2021 11:01 - Germany

Today, my teenage daughter insisted it was my job to take down the tray full of empty dishes, because I was the one who had carried it upstairs. Sound logic, so far. Why had I carried the tray upstairs? To serve her breakfast in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 546

You deserved it 721

By FriendZone - 03/03/2017 16:00 - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 722

You deserved it 1 987

By unloved cat owner - 16/02/2014 00:50 - United States - Carmichael

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 594

You deserved it 9 441

By Ecce - 10/07/2010 12:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 498

You deserved it 3 187

By Jaime - 31/03/2014 22:05 - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 270

You deserved it 6 799

Chilly

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 23:03

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 204

You deserved it 207

By 282 - 29/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was sitting on my younger sister's bed while I was on my phone. She came in the room and pushed me off the bed, and I ended up slicing the skin under my eye. Now, my parents are forcing me to pay for the injury for "hanging off the bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 659

You deserved it 308

By Anonymous - 19/04/2012 04:46 - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 816

You deserved it 4 620

By melmel - 05/05/2014 05:07 - United States - Cumming

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 679

You deserved it 4 536

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jlt93 0

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:16

And your daughter is how old?

Jacobt24 19

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:18

That wasn't a good hiding place to start with. It's not even hidden.

jlt93 0

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:16

And your daughter is how old?

orangeduck 6

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:31

She just hit the triple digits yesterday!

howdmynosego 12

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:43

I guess it's time to get rid of chairs aswell

iheartbewbies 0

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Monday 1 August 2011 13:22

If the daughter is young (under 11) I highly doubt she would be able to light a lighter.. If the daughter is a teenager, I don't see why you would have to hide a lighter on top of the fridge when she can probably gain access to one at any time..

YourEvilHero 12

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Monday 1 August 2011 13:30

I should make an fml considering how I just found out how to use a lighter at 18.

iheartbewbies 0

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Monday 1 August 2011 13:33

paperheart85 3

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Monday 1 August 2011 15:43

Im 26 and still dont know how lol

ONExLOVE_fml 4

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Monday 1 August 2011 17:40

its best to keep that to yourself...

brianjman14 22

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Monday 1 August 2011 21:41

How do you NOT know how to? You just spin the wheel and hold the button down. It's that easy.

Laners561769 9

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 5:06

I have one word: Bosley.

Thatcow 5

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:02

or Rogaine?

santarosakid 5

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 7:02

does the carpet still match the drapes hahaha!

brenkite 5

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 7:51

I have known longer than I can remember, I am a total pyromaniac and collect zippo lighters

YourEvilHero 12

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 8:44

I just never bothered using a lighter. I know now

Fuzzy_Kittehz 5

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Sunday 14 June 2015 7:04

#63 its not that easy. Even I have trouble lighting my incense with lighters because I can never push the wheel hard enough, nor fast enough to ACTUALLY light.

Jacobt24 19

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:18

That wasn't a good hiding place to start with. It's not even hidden.

Jimster1712 0

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Monday 1 August 2011 15:30

I bet you were so angry that you became a hot head!! gahahahahaha geddit??? *forever alone*

Kyze_Ninja 10

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Monday 1 August 2011 20:27

2, if you read the FML it never said that it was hidden

Jacobt24 19

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:16

It doesn't matter. She was keeping it away from her kid which is still hiding it

jtrem26 2

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Monday 1 August 2011 23:29

My name is Jacob T. WTF?

likasumboooodi 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:57

her daughter is asian. knows the way of a ninja

sugarbear444 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 7:32

lol

birdetoyourdork 2

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Monday 8 August 2011 6:25

hey

narcosoldier 2

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:20

Stop drop and role

genesisnirvana 11

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:42

It would work so much better if she stopped, dropped, and rolled.

StopDropNRoll 11

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Monday 1 August 2011 13:25

^yup just do as the name says

KiddNYC1O 20

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Monday 1 August 2011 14:29

It works in present tense as well.

mk58 31

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Monday 1 August 2011 17:15

36, you didn't get the point if 14's comment. They were correcting the use of "role".

likasumboooodi 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 6:58

no put your head in the toilet filled with oil

morganrules123 10

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:20

I'm guessing you don't have lighters that are child resistant

claudia19801811 14

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Friday 8 August 2014 9:45

Nor do I. Or my neighbour who has a 4-year-old

afdude87 6

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:21

sounds like your kid is just mad they've got an idiot for a parent.

Climaxx 11

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:22

Monkey see, Monkey do.

gunmania0 12

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:23

You suck at parenting!

genesisnirvana 11

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Monday 1 August 2011 13:24

No they don't.OP simply sucks at hiding things correctly

HeyImJuli 3

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:25

pyromaniac. keep her away from cigarettes. fyl OP

ARMY_Trevor 5

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:29

Was she looking for the cookie jar?

buckie123 3

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:30

YDI because You failed to teach your child that fire is dangerous! Keep her away from fireplaces-she may jump in.

genesisnirvana 11

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Monday 1 August 2011 12:57

You can teach but that doesn't mean that you'll be listened to

organicmtdew 0

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Tuesday 2 August 2011 8:43

yeah! as she might say "Diagonally" when se does it, cos that's what Harry Potter movies teach: SATANISM AND NON-STRAIGHTNESS!!!!

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 51

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 23

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 380

You deserved it 86

Is that a pass then?

Falling down

Doggy dog world

First impressions

Ungrateful

Chilly

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