Kids: Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania...

By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

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Kids

And today, on Dr Phil…

I'm a mess

Fuck the patriarchy

By Sergie - Ireland

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

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By BirthdayGirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Home Depot because the lamp I'd bought there a few days ago was missing a part, and I wanted to get one that was complete. They wouldn't change it because it wasn't complete, and the policy said they wouldn't change anything that wasn't complete. FML

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By frustrated - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

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By Embarrassed Daughter - United States - Erlanger

Mom Jokes FTW

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

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By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By come on man - United States - Sunnyvale

It's the thought that counts

Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me like that?? Srsly fuck off". FML

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By I'm stupid - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By assante2010 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By ovawerkrd - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

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By JillianJuneBug

Today, the bad haircut I received recently no longer makes me look like Dora the Explorer. Instead, I now look comparable to He-Man. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

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By Uh-SLEEP - 11/12/2020 03:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Masterchef

Today, our stove broke. Now, we have to cook using a toaster oven. FML

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By Laura - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By sorry... - United States - Newark

Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML

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By iamsolid - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

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By koanroak - United States - Carrollton

Today, while taking a slow night at my waitressing job, I thought I heard the sound of crying coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, thinking something terrible had happened. Nope, the bus boy was just watching porn on his phone with no headphones. FML

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By peneloperigby - United Kingdom

Today, my mother called to say that my 11-year-old nephew found my secret stash of nipple tassels, furry hand cuffs, and a bottle of lube. He doesn't want to visit me anymore. FML

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By kalazoo21 - United States

Unexpected

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

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By Nicholas Laughton

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

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By _aPerson_ - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my alcoholic mother decided to finally check herself into rehab. She did it while drunk, and flirted with the front attendant. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, a customer had an allergic reaction to the almonds in the sundae I made for her. We're supposed to put the almonds on unless the customer asks otherwise. She complained to my boss that I'd poisoned her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By Alexxicks - 5/3/2020 12:02

So no one told you life was gonna be this way…

Today, I was asked a security question by my bank's app when I tried using it after a year. After two to three wrong attempts, I got it correct with the answer, "Myself." The question was, "Who was your childhood friend?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By smallpaycheck - United States

Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

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By 3yrneveragainn

Today, I figured out why the man I've been seeing for 3 years hasn't asked for my hand in marriage. His current wife called me and told me all about it. FML

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By MySummerinEurope - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

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By MCRxforever - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a dinner with my dad's girlfriend's family. I met this guy who I found kind of cute and tried to talk to him a couple times. To avoid talking to me he started playing his PSP. I could see the screen perfectly and the PSP was clearly off. FML

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By Ricky - United States

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

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By Shelly - United States

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

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By BedazzledAlpaca - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5339819 - Friday 25 January 2013 23:21

Damn those virtual coals, fucking up carpets everywhere.

By Rei_Ayanami | 18

#5339814 - Friday 25 January 2013 23:21

I hope you have home insurance, and a lot of fire alarms. Add some extinguishers to be safe.

COMMENTS

By Rei_Ayanami | 18

#5339814 - Friday 25 January 2013 23:21

I hope you have home insurance, and a lot of fire alarms. Add some extinguishers to be safe.

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#5340774 - Saturday 26 January 2013 13:59

Well they apparently know enough to put it out, hence the scorched carpet and not burnt down house.

By Pleonasm | 34

#5339819 - Friday 25 January 2013 23:21

Damn those virtual coals, fucking up carpets everywhere.

ICastillo | 24

#5339906 - Saturday 26 January 2013 0:13

OP better get his fireplace fixed ASAP or it could burn his house down.

S182 | 15

#5339919 - Saturday 26 January 2013 0:20

I am glad he wasn't a hot head about it... I would've been fired up. Hopefully she cools it down in the future.

Sir_ND_Pity | 35

#5340111 - Saturday 26 January 2013 2:22

OP better not leave his television on to the fireplace channel during Christmas time. It'll give his daughter "the perfect excuse" to light some more things on fire!

"The TV was on fire and it spread!"