Animals: Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/03/2013 14:22 - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 875

You deserved it 3 966

Dementia or hate? You decide

A slight hiccup

Fight!

By Anonymous - 26/06/2016 12:22 - Australia - West End

Spicy

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 398

You deserved it 5 449

By c-mack - 08/09/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 650

You deserved it 46 938

By pained - 02/05/2014 00:23 - United States

Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received does not actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing balance and slamming my injured toe into objects and then getting sick from that new pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 287

You deserved it 4 704

By Itstheapocalypse - 26/11/2017 19:00

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 3 013

By noonotme - 05/09/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 408

You deserved it 6 638

By notaman - 11/02/2016 18:12 - United States - Marion

Today, I found out my insurance company denied my claim because they had me marked down as "male" and yet also pregnant. I now have to prove to them that I'm actually a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 420

You deserved it 1 368

By mumblingdope - 25/05/2016 08:52 - Indonesia - Jakarta

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 893

You deserved it 1 176

By Likian5 - 05/12/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 788

You deserved it 2 801

By Anonymous - 04/11/2015 18:26 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was suffering from acid reflux. I was told that drinking water laced with baking soda would help. Nope, all it did was create a huge belch that made me vomit all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 446

You deserved it 3 642

Night visitor

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 14:00 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 240

You deserved it 118

By Anonymous - 09/03/2016 18:54 - United Kingdom - Carlisle

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 317

You deserved it 2 068

By oww - 09/03/2010 11:14 - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 220

You deserved it 38 194

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 09/01/2022 05:01

Today, my stepson punched a girl because she wouldn’t accept his apology about punching her last week, when she wouldn’t lend him her pen. At this point I’m convinced he will one day go to prison for murder during a bar brawl or wife beating, since he has a temper and only seems to hit girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 210

By zitgirl - 14/02/2012 14:14 - United States

Today, after 22 years of perfect skin, I woke up with a bunch of angry zits on my nose. I used a clay face mask that was supposed to dry them out. Instead, they were bigger and green. Today is Valentine's day, I finally have a guy to go out with, and my nose looks like it's rotting off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 771

You deserved it 5 551

Denied

By uglyswimmer - 23/04/2009 01:58 - United States

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 561

You deserved it 7 714

By Anonymous - 01/09/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, my wife told our six year old daughter that the devil beats his wife whenever there's a rainbow. Now she won't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 658

You deserved it 4 152

By auraya1985 - 12/09/2015 21:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 240

You deserved it 1 869

Insane parents

By can’t nerd right - 04/08/2020 02:02

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 195

By indefiniteforest - 20/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh... That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 135

You deserved it 524

By Anonymous - 04/10/2014 12:11 - United States - Brevard

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and headbutted me. Now, there's just an awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 629

You deserved it 4 705

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 05:00

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 263

You deserved it 4 419

By Serum - 05/08/2013 16:41 - United States - Wichita

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband putting my anti-wrinkle cream on his balls. He said, "I thought it'd help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 546

You deserved it 5 508

By Allie - 29/10/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend that said, "Last week was the most embarassing time of my life, we're over." He was of course referring to the seizure that I had due to my epilepsy at Olive Garden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 018

You deserved it 2 796

All I need to do…

By Dreamblocker - 28/06/2021 22:00

Spicy

Today, I was having an intense erotic dream. It was going great until I thought, "I hope this isn't a dream." This caused me to wake up. This isn't the first time I've cockblocked myself in a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 166

By Amanda - 19/11/2010 05:14

Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 275

You deserved it 3 824

Someone's getting coal from Santa...

By Anonymous - 15/12/2017 15:00

Today, my nephew stabbed me in the knee with a colouring pencil. The hospital says he ripped a hole in a tendon and I need surgery to fix it or one day it'll snap. I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 872

You deserved it 269

By kaylashay2k13 - 17/05/2016 14:18 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 969

You deserved it 1 092

By Iguana - 12/09/2012 02:35 - Canada - Oromocto

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 669

You deserved it 28 649

By cyprianista - 13/02/2015 16:13 - United States - Houston

Today, I spent an ungodly amount of money to send my long-distance boyfriend a giant bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day. A few hours after making the non-refundable payment, he let me know we weren't going to work out, and that he was already sleeping with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 091

You deserved it 4 398

Looking for another one!

By Anonymous - 20/12/2019 01:00

Today, I finally got a Christmas gift, a calligraphy set, for my father that I have been looking for for a month. My dad came home happily with the same calligraphy set today, saying that he surprised himself for Christmas. He got it cheaper than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 067

You deserved it 215

By jennabee97 - 08/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 837

You deserved it 4 201

By Anonymous - 13/09/2011 05:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the engineers I work with believe that a woman with an engineering degree working in an engineering company is apparently equivalent to a "secretary for engineers." I am that woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 816

You deserved it 3 609

By diesel444 - 23/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 746

You deserved it 23 122

By WTF, guys? - 26/08/2014 16:22 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 384

You deserved it 4 137

Run away, fast

By wtf babe?! - 10/08/2021 22:01

Today, even though we were together every day of quarantine, now that I’m working my boyfriend has become a completely different person. He’s now jealous, insecure and makes wild accusations. He’s called and showed up to my new job so many times the managers are threatening to let me go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 75

By ilovebigmacs - 06/08/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 725

You deserved it 3 169

By woohoo420 - 04/04/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 632

You deserved it 41 354

By AgathedeBlouse - 18/11/2008 06:42 - France

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the arse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 506

You deserved it 25 091

By DontGetSlapped - 18/02/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 439

You deserved it 2 507

By Qwerty - 28/06/2011 16:10 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 933

You deserved it 5 270

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Top comments

Dracoboxer357 35

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:46

Whatever gets your pussy wet then, Op. ;P

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:50

Wanna know how I got these scars...?

Comments

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:46

Aww poor cat, why would you let your cat near the bathtub edge, while in it.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:51

Maybe it's the same cat from an earlier FML. The one that can open doors

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 19:03

Cats don't are usually not "let" to do anything. They do what they want, when they want, how they want. And if it goes badly, a lot of times the bystander is the only one that gets mutilated. Scary stuff.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 22:11

Damned cats. That's why I keep a can of WD-40 on me when I'm around cats. I spray them whenever they act up.

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 6:53

"Cats don't are usually not 'let' to do anything." I cannot think. Not anymore.

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 8:09

My bad 53. You are right.

journeytotheend 16

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 17:04

She made a mistake on the internet.... Burn her

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 17:59

I graciously accept my punishment for this atrocity. Do as you will.

brosiph_Joseph 8

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Sunday 28 July 2013 12:24

Ur gay

Dracoboxer357 35

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:46

Whatever gets your pussy wet then, Op. ;P

GuessWhatKids 13

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:53

I wonder if there has ever been a cat FML without a pussy pun in the comments.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:55

That would be blasphemy!

Austin_Burkes 6

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:47

He/she knew exactly what he/she was doing, bahahaha!

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Friday 10 February 2017 5:27

FTS

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:50

Wanna know how I got these scars...?

fatheadedsnail 15

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:59

Scars are like tattoos with better stories...

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:51

Sounds like you also learned the hard way, OP.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:52

Today, you learned what a cat's claws are for.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:53

How come there are so many FMLs about peoples cats falling in the tub with them in it? If you learn anything from reading FML people then it is to close the damn bathroom door if you own a cat and want to bathe.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 19:21

Cats open doors....

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 19:45

Some cats can open lever handles sure but how many cats do you think can open knob handles? And every cat in existence does not know how to open doors. But lets say they have a lever handle and their cat knows how to open it.. well then there are locks for a reason aren't there?

JaneChemi_fml 21

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 20:28

my friend's cat can open knob handles. and my cat nearly faints if I close a door on her. she doesn't like to be alone

deathtothepix 26

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 22:10

My cat will claw, scratch and cry if I shut the door on him. I'd rather let him in to give me peace than to claw the shit out of my door! love him but cats are relentless/curious creatures!

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Friday 10 February 2017 5:26

ikr

GRubi 17

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:54

Were there bubbles? Cause the story is a lot cooler if there are bubbles.

Interwebzombie 15

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 5:07

A cat with a bubble beard comes to mind.

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:55

I had the exact same thing happen to me. It sucks!

GuessWhatKids 13

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:57

This tail doesn't even scratch the surface of cat problems. I could splash you with a wave of cat stories. Stop being such a pussy op, you astound meow.

ilovedinosawers 17

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Tuesday 26 March 2013 21:34

It was good until the last one.

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 8:36

The last one made me think of Super Troopers. Aint that right meow.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 9

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 364

You deserved it 987

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 1 143