Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when...

By imamess - 15/9/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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Miscellaneous

They're everywhere

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Lockdown is driving us down

By LilShawty2000 - 24/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

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By welptimetoburntheplacedown - 11/8/2014 15:02 - United States - Louisville

Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML

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By Username - 15/7/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2014 12:18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, we had a meeting at my job and we had to introduce new ideas to our boss. Earlier, I was talking to one of my close friends who also attended the meeting about my idea. As we start the meeting, she decides to steal my idea and take complete credit for it. My boss loves "her" idea. FML

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By pittmanw - 18/7/2016 02:54 - United States - Jackson

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend in bed with another guy. On top of it all he stole my favorite underwear. FML

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By unknown - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By fml - 19/1/2011 01:49 - United States

Today, I let my dogs out, and then realized they didn't have their electric fence collars on. I ran inside to get the collars, then dashed out to put them on my dogs. I ran through the electric fence. The collars were on. FML

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By opinaise - 2/8/2012 13:00 - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By shaverguy - 15/6/2009 08:51 - United States

Today, I got an electric shaver hoping that it would reduce the risk of cutting myself than shaving with a manual one. However, I cut myself opening the plastic package with the shaver inside. FML

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By worstaunty - 4/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Boca Raton

That'll do

Today, I had to pick my 2 year-old nephew up from day care for the first time. When the lady asked me who I was there to pick up, I realized I didn't know his actual name because we all call him "Bebe." FML

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By Professional_Ars - 14/10/2018 14:00

Today, the coworker I have a crush on left halfway through the busiest shift of the week, and now I have to work it alone. I eventually found out that she left to go on a date with her new boyfriend. FML

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By Username - 11/6/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

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By JimmyJazzNJ - 12/4/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

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By roze198765 - 4/8/2011 01:19 - United States

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML

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By whoevenncares - 4/9/2015 01:06 - United States

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

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By houdinette - 22/11/2013 23:14 - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

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By Kristin - 3/1/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

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By boyfriendless - 10/4/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a five year old boy. Somehow the topic of relationships came up, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I was single, he got all excited and asked if he could be my boyfriend. It would have been cute except he was the first guy to ever ask me out. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2012 08:47 - United States - Kent

Today, while at my cosmetics job, an elderly lady came up to me asking for a product. I told her we had a smaller size and a larger size for a better deal. She told me she wanted the smaller size because she'd "probably be dead" before she finished that one. I laughed. She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:59 - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

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By LadyLou - 3/11/2015 11:42 - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By Creeped Out - 29/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By German;) - 19/9/2019 04:00

Street art

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

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By FullOfNick - 10/9/2011 07:11 - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By bummed and broke - 13/11/2012 18:24 - United States

Today, I bought an $80, "invincible" phone case. One test drop later, my phone had turned into an expensive paperweight. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

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By Derek Lee - 22/5/2011 13:53 - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 17:18 - Germany

Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML

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By jibberish - 22/11/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 15:30

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

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By V - 9/2/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

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By Laurendorcus - 14/3/2010 23:13 - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 06:55 - United States - Evansville

Today, my girlfriend announced to everyone at dinner that she was no longer a virgin. This was news to everyone: her parents, siblings, best friend, and me. FML

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By Lichelle - 10/3/2009 21:30 - United States

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

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By notmysistersbf - 20/4/2015 02:39 - Canada - Summerland

Today, my mom called my workplace and told my boss to make sure I wear a hat so I didn't get heatstroke like I did on my last shift. I'm 25. FML

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By emilygreeny - 18/6/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

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By veevee - 17/8/2009 08:31 - Australia

Today, I noticed my dishwasher wouldn't turn on. After shelling out $120 call-out fee, I was a little miffed when the technician walked in, pressed the 'unlock' function and walked out again. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 03:30

Yeah, that probably wouldn't work

Today, a coworker was telling me he was lonely and needed someone special in his life. I replied, "Why don't you find yourself a girlfriend?" He looked at me weird and said, "I'm gay." FML

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By ohhhman - 10/4/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 14:30 - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

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Top comments

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

COMMENTS

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

badluckalex | 23

#6066120 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:07

I always hold the cap when I shake anything

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6066227 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 13:43

You will go far in life with this skill. Not really, but it certainly helps save time and effort.

By malaak2 | 16

#6066095 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:40

It happens, let's just hope you weren't wearing new clothes.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

AnOriginalName | 19

#6066137 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:33

The first thing was a soda, right?

.... Right?

Moderator0fFML | 10

#6066187 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 12:33

Of course, #15 :)

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6066320 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:30

Paris Hilton:Thats hot...

By thevelociraptor | 31

#6066098 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:42

Well, now you have some extra experience.

By trellz17 | 19

#6066101 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:43

Now you're the salad....yeah that was lame

ninad7 | 12

#6066116 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:59

ayyyyyy

PinkieKeen | 20

#6066897 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 6:24

But there wasn't even a pun?

By LifeMD | 14

#6066107 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:48

At least you succeeded in mixing the dressing.

mageepaigeee44 | 15

#6066296 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:06

Oil and vinegar don't ever mix.

By ninad7 | 12

#6066111 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

I think you took the "dressing" a little too literally

By Enkeria | 30

#6066112 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

Put your index finger on the lid while you shake any bottle. It prevents this from happening. :)

By singer0421 | 32

#6066113 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

You could try putting your hand over the lid to secure it, but I guess that would make too much sense.

By Alecster21 | 5

#6066123 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:10

You shook that Italian so hard, it squirted all over you. ;)

the_zero_article | 15

#6066756 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 3:12

Yes, that is actually exactly what happened.