Miscellaneous: Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when...

By imamess - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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Miscellaneous

All that time I'm never getting back

Genius, definitely

Paranoia

By Satan - United States

Today, I lost my phone. I tried to call it using my husband's phone, but couldn't figure out which of the three Kates in the contact list was me. Turns out, two are co-workers and one is his aunt. I was listed under Satan. FML

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By Superman - United States - Bellflower

Today, after finishing a test, I decided to draw to pass the time. My teacher looked at the drawing and gave me a referral to the principal for drawing an "anti-Semitic picture." I'd drawn Superman. FML

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By ohhhman - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

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By psychicmother - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

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By unluckydude - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By snore - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I was feeling really depressed and ended up asking my mom why guys aren't interested in me. She replied with a laundry list of reasons, including, "Hair. Boobs. Face. Everything." FML

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By Anonymous - Ghana

Today, I learned that because of my new medication, I can either avoid getting malaria, or have a male yeast infection. I'm stuck in Africa for the next two months, and have to sit down to pee because I don't want to irritate my penis by touching it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By TheAce44 - United States - Davison

Today, my friend told me that Otter Box phone cases protect the phone whether it's thrown or just dropped. I disagreed. He then threw his phone across the room into a cement wall to prove it. The phone's screen was completely shattered and now he thinks I owe him a new phone. FML

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By fryebaby623 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By mommydearest - Denmark

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

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By Lord Buttfuck IV - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

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By gallstones - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my boyfriend got surgery on his gallbladder because he had big gallstones. After they were removed, he was still a little out of it from the morphine. He gave the gallstones to me for my birthday. Better still, his mom suggested I make a necklace out of them. FML

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By dzisfml - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

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By beavis - United States

Today, my brother and I were standing at the baggage claim, waiting for our luggage to come out. We were commenting on all the bags that appeared, and when two large hiking packs came out I exclaimed "What kind of cunts go backpacking in New York?" The old couple standing next to us, apparently. FML

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By R - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By bakerysux - United States - San Antonio

Today, at work, a customer cried because the cake I made her was not "exactly" the same as the display. I'm the one who made the display and it was the same but the display cake had faded a bit, since it had been there for a month. I'd mentioned this to the customer when she placed the order. FML

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By .......... - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I found my boyfriend and his friends laughing hysterically and practically choking on popcorn. They were watching a video of me in a school play, trying to sing while sobbing because I'd just pissed my pants in front of 200 people. Thanks for giving him the video, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By lost_ina_dream - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

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By effmylife - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

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By idk - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

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By somnolence - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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By Canuckster - Canada

Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

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By Phobic_fml

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

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By sarabalism - Canada

Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML

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By howinthenameofholyfuck?! - 16/7/2020 17:01

Thanks for the miracle

Today, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, enduring months of tortuous chemo, having painful radiation treatments and having had my tubes tied, I realized I’ve become the butt of an incredibly cruel cosmic joke. I got pregnant from the one-night stand I had to celebrate beating cancer. FML

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By Heggs

Today, it's Halloween. I get bullied every day and this was no exception, but this time I got beat up so hard I bled. Everyone thought it was part of my costume. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

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By duckyou

What the Duck?

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

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By Tanner - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 17:01 - Canada

Logic 101

Today, my 17-year-old daughter didn't do the laundry. Her excuse? "If it was meant to be done, it would have done itself." This is the same daughter who yesterday tried convincing me she was responsible enough to get a dog. FML

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By bglenney - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

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By you fuckhobbit - United Kingdom

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

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Top comments

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

COMMENTS

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

badluckalex | 23

#6066120 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:07

I always hold the cap when I shake anything

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6066227 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 13:43

You will go far in life with this skill. Not really, but it certainly helps save time and effort.

By malaak2 | 16

#6066095 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:40

It happens, let's just hope you weren't wearing new clothes.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

AnOriginalName | 19

#6066137 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:33

The first thing was a soda, right?

.... Right?

Moderator0fFML | 10

#6066187 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 12:33

Of course, #15 :)

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6066320 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:30

Paris Hilton:Thats hot...

By thevelociraptor | 31

#6066098 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:42

Well, now you have some extra experience.

By trellz17 | 19

#6066101 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:43

Now you're the salad....yeah that was lame

ninad7 | 12

#6066116 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:59

ayyyyyy

PinkieKeen | 20

#6066897 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 6:24

But there wasn't even a pun?

By LifeMD | 14

#6066107 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:48

At least you succeeded in mixing the dressing.

mageepaigeee44 | 15

#6066296 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:06

Oil and vinegar don't ever mix.

By ninad7 | 12

#6066111 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

I think you took the "dressing" a little too literally

By Enkeria | 30

#6066112 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

Put your index finger on the lid while you shake any bottle. It prevents this from happening. :)

By singer0421 | 32

#6066113 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

You could try putting your hand over the lid to secure it, but I guess that would make too much sense.

By Alecster21 | 5

#6066123 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:10

You shook that Italian so hard, it squirted all over you. ;)

the_zero_article | 15

#6066756 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 3:12

Yes, that is actually exactly what happened.