Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when...

By imamess - 15/9/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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Miscellaneous

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By Late - 12/11/2016 07:45

Today, my boss at my new job yelled at me for being 15 minutes early to work. Last week he yelled at me for being late for my shift when I arrived 5 minutes early. He's considering this my final warning before I'm fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2017 19:00 - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

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By my ears are dying - 22/6/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking "Baby". FML

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By onlyolivia - 11/2/2016 19:55 - United States - Laurel

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By Off to Canada - 16/3/2016 07:48 - Hong Kong - Kowloon

Today, my class was given the assignment to have an informal discussion, debating who would be the best fit for president of the US. The school's security guards were called in after the Trump supporters started fights with everyone else. FML

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By iammike - 24/8/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

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By HoboWithACondom - 31/8/2019 16:01

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By FIM - 12/1/2017 15:18

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By Iswearihavegoodhygiene - 4/11/2018 05:00

Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML

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By spadesmollusques - 6/6/2016 05:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

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By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By PublicToiletEspionage - 21/5/2009 10:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

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By monogamyisalie - 23/7/2015 17:29 - United States

Today, an attractive man hit on me for the first time since I ended my 3-year relationship with my cheating ex. Then the man told me he'd just gotten out of prison last week. FML

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By blondetergent - 20/6/2011 08:12 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 17:18 - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By DevilsTemptation - 29/8/2019 02:01 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

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By Thefaller - 11/7/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By krabby patty - 25/5/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 15:18 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was called a fascist and accused of being "racist" against poor people, all because some crazy meth-mouthed bitch couldn't afford some booze and expected me to cut the price by almost 40% so she could. FML

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By Better not - 24/1/2018 20:00 - United States - Kenai

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

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By smellychick - 14/3/2018 11:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

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By Hakimstah - 21/4/2012 17:38 - Lebanon

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

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By aru9 - 12/9/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I met an old friend from high school and his hot girlfriend. I jokingly said she must be blind to go out with him. His response: "Yeah, she is." FML

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By NOIDIDNOT - 19/11/2012 06:21 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I spent almost $200 on a planetarium show with my boyfriend, who loves astronomy. He said his favorite thing about it was that he could pick his nose without anyone noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2018 11:00 - United States - Denver

Today, the woman I've loved for 15 years and had children with told me she's remarrying to the man she cheated on me with. Since her father passed last year, she wants me to give her away at the wedding. FML

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By feminismlol - 6/4/2012 04:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 16:01 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my little sister was being picked on by some kids. After seeing one push her, I went over to talk to them about how bullying isn't cool and how they need to play nice. They beat me up. I'm 22 years old and got beat up by a group of 10 year olds. FML

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By left out wet - 22/6/2019 22:08

Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML

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By justin - 13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By nekogirl15 - 27/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

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By webperson04 - 27/7/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By scared - 24/6/2020 23:02

Healthy relationship

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

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By tbee - 6/9/2014 00:13 - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I bought a large ice cream cake. No, there's no occasion, but I did ask the cashier to write "Happy Birthday" on it, just so she wouldn't know I was going to eat it all myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 21:22 - United States - New York

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2015 09:57

Today, I graduated from a top law school. My aunt's reaction? "I will never hang out with a cop." FML

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By anon - 21/6/2014 12:50 - United States - Edison

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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Top comments

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

Comments

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

badluckalex | 23

#6066120 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:07

I always hold the cap when I shake anything

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6066227 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 13:43

You will go far in life with this skill. Not really, but it certainly helps save time and effort.

By malaak2 | 16

#6066095 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:40

It happens, let's just hope you weren't wearing new clothes.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

AnOriginalName | 19

#6066137 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:33

The first thing was a soda, right?

.... Right?

Moderator0fFML | 10

#6066187 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 12:33

Of course, #15 :)

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6066320 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:30

Paris Hilton:Thats hot...

By thevelociraptor | 31

#6066098 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:42

Well, now you have some extra experience.

By trellz17 | 19

#6066101 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:43

Now you're the salad....yeah that was lame

ninad7 | 12

#6066116 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:59

ayyyyyy

PinkieKeen | 20

#6066897 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 6:24

But there wasn't even a pun?

By LifeMD | 14

#6066107 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:48

At least you succeeded in mixing the dressing.

mageepaigeee44 | 15

#6066296 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:06

Oil and vinegar don't ever mix.

By ninad7 | 12

#6066111 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

I think you took the "dressing" a little too literally

By Enkeria | 30

#6066112 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

Put your index finger on the lid while you shake any bottle. It prevents this from happening. :)

By singer0421 | 32

#6066113 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

You could try putting your hand over the lid to secure it, but I guess that would make too much sense.

By Alecster21 | 5

#6066123 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:10

You shook that Italian so hard, it squirted all over you. ;)

the_zero_article | 15

#6066756 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 3:12

Yes, that is actually exactly what happened.