Miscellaneous: Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when...

By imamess - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

So compassionate

Mummy's boy

By Pee.H.D - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

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By volleyballgirl12 - France

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

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By Ellen - Norway

Today, I was browsing a website where you can talk to strangers anonymously, when I met a guy I really hit it off with. After talking for two hours, we decided to keep in touch, just in time for me to hit the "Next Person" button by mistake. There's no way to undo it. FML

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By nice education you've got there - United States - Monroe

Today, my friends and I were exchanging stories with one another. I barely got a few sentences in before they started mocking and viciously insulting me for saying "swaggered", claiming it comes from the slang term "swag", and that they never thought I was a "dumbass hipster". Really now? FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2021 14:01

Better Call Saul

Today, after working for the same company for over 20 years, someone from upper management told me they’d accidentally been overpaying me all these years, not a huge issue, but would I mind giving the money back in one lump sum by the end of the month? UM, WHAT? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

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By Laurel - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

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By shawnsmuffins - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

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By kerdersty - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By Cinnamon - Jamaica

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML

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By Eisenhorn - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By Sigh - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2021 23:01

Ring of fire

Today, I learned the hard way that I'm allergic to a particular brand of tampon. FML

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By sly - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

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By dudezilla - United States

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

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By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

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By tine - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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By Susan - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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By Danners88 - Australia

Today, I was at a Remembrance Day service when an old widow told me I had my "grandad's" medals on the wrong side of my coat. I told her that I was an Afghanistan veteran and that they were mine. She then berated me in front of the WHOLE service for "lying". FML

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By Ouch

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

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By rabbitoncocaine - Germany - Unterbreizbach

Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

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By MegGRRRz - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

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By dsamanthas - United States - Covina

Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML

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By stuck - United States

Today, I was working as a service writer in an auto service shop. A really cute girl came in to buy a headlight, I offered to install the bulb for her. My hand got stuck behind the headlight, she had to ask one of our mechanics to come remove the air box from her car to get my hand out. FML

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By ashleyevans - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By WaffleMan - United States - Stirling

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

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By WTF - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend confided to me that he has a used condom collection. When I reacted with disgust, he "reassured" me that he only keeps the ones he uses with me. FML

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By b.fritz - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

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By NJ <3 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

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By stachattack

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By sexlube - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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By hannah

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

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Top comments

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

COMMENTS

By countryb_cth | 38

#6066094 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:39

Instead of shaking as hard as you could, you should have put that strength into tightening the cap lol.

badluckalex | 23

#6066120 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:07

I always hold the cap when I shake anything

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6066227 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 13:43

You will go far in life with this skill. Not really, but it certainly helps save time and effort.

By malaak2 | 16

#6066095 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:40

It happens, let's just hope you weren't wearing new clothes.

By Phooey | 22

#6066096 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:41

it's not the first thing you showered yourself in after shaking it hard.

AnOriginalName | 19

#6066137 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:33

The first thing was a soda, right?

.... Right?

Moderator0fFML | 10

#6066187 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 12:33

Of course, #15 :)

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6066320 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:30

Paris Hilton:Thats hot...

By thevelociraptor | 31

#6066098 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:42

Well, now you have some extra experience.

By trellz17 | 19

#6066101 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:43

Now you're the salad....yeah that was lame

ninad7 | 12

#6066116 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:59

ayyyyyy

PinkieKeen | 20

#6066897 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 6:24

But there wasn't even a pun?

By LifeMD | 14

#6066107 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:48

At least you succeeded in mixing the dressing.

mageepaigeee44 | 15

#6066296 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 16:06

Oil and vinegar don't ever mix.

By ninad7 | 12

#6066111 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

I think you took the "dressing" a little too literally

By Enkeria | 30

#6066112 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

Put your index finger on the lid while you shake any bottle. It prevents this from happening. :)

By singer0421 | 32

#6066113 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 9:56

You could try putting your hand over the lid to secure it, but I guess that would make too much sense.

By Alecster21 | 5

#6066123 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 10:10

You shook that Italian so hard, it squirted all over you. ;)

the_zero_article | 15

#6066756 - Wednesday 17 September 2014 3:12

Yes, that is actually exactly what happened.