Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping...

By FuckingDone - 20/5/2016 23:08 - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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Kids

Last dates

Property law

Incognito browsing

By Mona Lisa was a skank-ass ho - 24/5/2015 15:56 - United Kingdom - Cheadle

Today, my new doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured "No surprise there." Thanks, mate. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2012 12:09 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night. I ran into my dad carrying wine into another house. I didn't assume he was cheating until he saw me and said "I won't tell if you don't tell, please don't tell your mother". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 04:00

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 23:02

Bullshit reason

Today, my husband wants a divorce. His reason, so he claims, is that he went to see a card reader a few months ago and she told him our relationship would not last. Apparently, our astrological signs or something are not compatible, so he thinks we shouldn't waste our time. We have been married for 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

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By Vincent - 2/1/2014 05:04 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By mikeycoco - 20/5/2011 14:39

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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By fffmmll - 21/3/2011 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By MoxyR12 - 24/6/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML

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By don'tdrinkthat - 3/11/2013 22:27 - United States - Quincy

Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML

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By gutted - 7/5/2012 02:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 14:22 - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:00 - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By firefire - 30/7/2020 08:01

Scoville scale

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

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By banj0 - 6/10/2012 22:58 - United States - Madison

Today, I had to pry my sister's used tampon out from between my dog's jaws. FML

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By hinting - 17/6/2013 16:43 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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By robbed - 14/10/2010 02:25 - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By chickenmcnuggetgirl - 18/3/2013 18:10 - Ireland - Enfield

Different strokes

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a chicken nugget fetish. He wants me to take a chicken nugget bath in a bikini. He seems to be dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2018 17:30

Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML

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By whoops - 10/6/2020 02:00

Exclusivity

Today, I ran into the guy I’ve been seeing. He was holding hands with another girl. FML

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By Antoine Karam - 27/6/2019 04:30

Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex girlfriend that never moved out. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - 3/12/2012 11:40 - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By lonergirl - 18/2/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

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By skeletor - 18/2/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, while on my honeymoon with my new wife, I tried to be romantic by installing a clapper to the lights in our room. As things progressed, the noise of our love making triggered the lights on and off repeatedly. She began to laugh and we ended up just calling it an early night. FML

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By nicknack22 - 1/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

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By BSwan - 15/3/2011 00:57 - Australia

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

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By eirbear - 14/9/2018 18:30

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

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By ewwww - 26/5/2013 17:55 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By qyx3lmnop24 - 20/12/2014 07:33 - United States - Napa

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

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By Ames - 23/5/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, after being diagnosed with cat allergies, I explained to my cat-loving boyfriend that the doctor strongly recommended not allowing the cat in the bedroom. At 1:30 am my boyfriend got out of the bed to go sleep in the spare room because: "the cat is sad." FML

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By DJ Clitter - 16/4/2012 19:35 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

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By LevKin - 30/7/2009 07:20 - Canada

Today, I got into a car accident. The car I hit belongs to my girlfriend's father. We never met before. He believes strongly in "first impressions." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 02:24 - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2020 09:30

I don't like to move it, move it

Today, I realized just how sedentary both my work and home lives are after I went to the doctor with a rash on my butt and he diagnosed it as bedsores from near constant sitting. FML

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By therosalina - 1/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

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By JoshTheUnluckyFromKentucky - 14/11/2014 00:21 - United States - Folsom

Today, I got on the bus to go to work. I managed to get a seat, but an old lady who looked tired had to stand. I offered her my seat, but she glared at me, frowned and said, "Go fuck yourself." Everyone laughed as I sat there in dismay. FML

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Top comments

By ctosc | 21

#6611736 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:48

lure him into the yard and spray him with a hose

By feven | 32

#6611749 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:53

Tell your parents. It's simple but it'll probably work out.

COMMENTS

By gusthecat | 12

#6611732 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:44

Don't sweat it OP, brothers be brothers

By saffy66 | 34

#6611733 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:44

Maybe you could encourage him to seek a second opinion?

By jmledford | 6

#6611734 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:45

that is nasty, I can't go one day without taking a shower. two at max. guess it's time to pull out the hose.

By Skinyrd | 17

#6611735 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:46

He sounds like one greasy motherfucker

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6611813 - Sunday 22 May 2016 0:21

I'm sure he's a real big hit with the ladies.

By ctosc | 21

#6611736 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:48

lure him into the yard and spray him with a hose

PhantomKitty | 26

#6611758 - Saturday 21 May 2016 23:01

"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Phantomsnake | 10

#6611765 - Saturday 21 May 2016 23:06

Hoes before bros

fakedsincerity | 32

#6611810 - Sunday 22 May 2016 0:17

I think you mean hose before bros, #12!

ZombieSazza | 34

#6611829 - Sunday 22 May 2016 0:40

#10, I love you, thank you!

Phantomsnake | 10

#6611901 - Sunday 22 May 2016 3:22

Yes I do, #18 thanks

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6612041 - Sunday 22 May 2016 7:32

Lure him? Just drag the dipshit by his hair and hose down his stank ass.

By tyler_the_asiann | 16

#6611738 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Tripartita | 44

#6611746 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:51

You and #1 should hang out; I think you'd really hit it off.

By feven | 32

#6611749 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:53

Tell your parents. It's simple but it'll probably work out.

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6611885 - Sunday 22 May 2016 2:32

How could they not have noticed?

By HAMY_fml | 23

#6611753 - Saturday 21 May 2016 22:55

dump febreze on him in his sleep and tell him the problem is his ass smelling musk

By moonlight77 | 28

#6611763 - Saturday 21 May 2016 23:05

I voted "I agree, your life sucks" after reading "Refused to shower". That is just disgusting! Drag him in to that shower if you have too,
OP.....with gloves off course.

By anyagrande | 31

#6611770 - Saturday 21 May 2016 23:09

Fucking gross