Love and Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was...

By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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7277

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Love

Intimacy

Late term

Clean break

Tasty

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36138

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally got a promotion at work. Today I also found out that no matter how long I work, no matter how much effort and unpaid overtime I put in for 6 years, my coworkers will be convinced I only got promoted because I'm the CFO's son. FML

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24098

You deserved it

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By ~JESSICA~ - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26793

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88868

You deserved it

17290

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By chaos2007 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

91109

You deserved it

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By Disappointed - United States - Angleton

Today, the girl I've secretly loved for years finally noticed me. That is, after I ran over her foot with my truck. FML

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24120

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By fijiflu

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

21446

You deserved it

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By Nohearingornoeating

WHAT?

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4046

You deserved it

375

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By GasFromThePast - United States - Cambridge

Today, I smelled gas when entering my apartment. I checked everything and then left to seek help. I was told to call 911, which resulted in two firetrucks and 10+ firefighters, one of which was my high school sweetheart, entering my messy apartment and finding nothing wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2798

You deserved it

609

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By Celeste - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35525

You deserved it

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By Jimbo - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36245

You deserved it

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By sorenips - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30850

You deserved it

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By Lala - Philippines

Today, I was sitting in my garden and having a cup of tea while watching some dragonflies. I thought the dragonflies were really pretty, so I ran towards them and tried to catch their tails like I used to when I was a kid. They were exotic wasps. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15311

You deserved it

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By mylifesucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by sending me a Bumper Sticker on Facebook that said "Bitch, let's get married". FML

I agree, your life sucks

66744

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28199

You deserved it

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By cherry - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

59623

You deserved it

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By 20month dry spell

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4649

You deserved it

1339

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By fml_for_real - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38173

You deserved it

6881

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By I tried - 9/4/2020 17:00

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1909

You deserved it

163

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By balloonface - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19721

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53013

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1410

You deserved it

220

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 05:00

Unhygienic or he's a natural hunter-gatherer

Today, I found my missing wedding band inside my 2-year old's pull up. It was accompanied by two coins, a Hot Wheels car, a pebble, and a dead bug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1491

You deserved it

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By LevKin - Canada

Today, I got into a car accident. The car I hit belongs to my girlfriend's father. We never met before. He believes strongly in "first impressions." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44245

You deserved it

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By crazytortise - United States

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10513

You deserved it

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By oktober2nd - United States - Beaverton

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2205

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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26283

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34636

You deserved it

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By BadNurse - United States - Evansville

Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8268

You deserved it

526

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By OhhhNooo - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33753

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Dansville

Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28878

You deserved it

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10539

You deserved it

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By mommy - United States - North Andover

Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks

55808

You deserved it

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By tas2013kid - 1/12/2020 17:03 - Taiwan

Slicey slicey

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

356

You deserved it

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By Broke Mama - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27632

You deserved it

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By an unlucky man - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22863

Phew, glad it wasn't me

3075

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By cuntsmom - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44439

You deserved it

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By oldmama728

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33288

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I took my girlfriend of nearly 2 years out to dinner so I could propose. When the waiter brought the check, I caused a bit of a scene to get everyone's attention. When I got on my knee and proposed, she said no and asked if I could hurry up and pay, because she was embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62621

You deserved it

18187

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By stupid - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16191

You deserved it

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Top comments

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#7550843 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 14:14

At least he didn't sleep with your father, Stephen ...

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7550822 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 12:49

I'd love to hear his explanation for this.

COMMENTS

By HoboMeth | 32

#7550694 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 4:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7551193 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 3:59

I'm sorry, what? I'm all for reading between the lines but I got nothing like what you got.

Ih8teenageangst | 19

#7551411 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 15:43

YYYEEEESSSSSS! I got excited when I read this one because of the names and planning to post on it but you beat me!

By jediloader | 12

#7550699 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 5:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Tripartita | 44

#7550725 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 6:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7550744 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 8:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bartsj1988 | 7

#7551212 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 5:14

In what way does that change the situation?

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7550822 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 12:49

I'd love to hear his explanation for this.

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#7550843 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 14:14

At least he didn't sleep with your father, Stephen ...

Fanawak | 8

#7559477 - Thursday 2 November 2017 9:39

EPIC!!

By really_dad? | 13

#7550863 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 14:41

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#7550891 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 15:29

you need better friends.

By ffc Squall | 14

#7550896 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 15:38

If you're a true Hufflepuff, you'll forgive and forget. If you're smart, you'll just forget both of them.

By LEbleuDESreves | 10

#7551129 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 23:21

a confrontation is needed ... and a cleanup too ?