Love and Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was...

By Hufflepuff girl

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying that last night was awesome. When I said, "What do you mean?" he answered, "Come on Jess, I bet you can't stand straight." My name is Britney, but my friend's name is Jessica. FML

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Love

Intimacy

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

Haircut, haircuuuut

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend contacted me. She said she'd thought over her feelings over our temporary break in the relationship, and she wanted to try again. Being my stupid, self-loathing self, I asked her so many questions on if she was sure or not that she went back into doubt and revoked the offer. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 05:00

Mr Commitment

Today, after I caught my (now ex) boyfriend cheating. He told me that it isn't my business if he was seeing other woman, because we didn't had an official relationship. We have been living together in a house we bought, for two years now. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

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By vomitingnow - United States

Today, I had a fight with my little sister. Later she apologized and made me dinner to make up for it. I thought it was pretty good until I found out that instead of using Parmesan cheese in the recipe, she used foot shavings from her Ped Egg. FML

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By Ellencrazee - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

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By shyshy96679 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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By xoragebaby - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

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By p!nk - 12/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Policy schmolicy

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By ksa - Poland - Katowice

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

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By fuckall - United States

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

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By suckatlifeeexo - United States

Today, I was at a swim meet. I was on a relay team and I was the anchor. My team was in 1st. I was ready to dive in when I saw my tampon string was hanging out of my suit. I freaked, slid off the block, and fell on top of the guy before me and gave him a concussion. We got DQed for a false start FML

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By Mariah Heimann - United States

Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was making instant hot chocolate from the hot water dispenser in the break-room at work, a coworker informed me that it was industrial "recycled" wastewater that was only supposed to be used for washing tools. Thanks. I've only been doing that every day for the past 8 months. FML

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By SaggyBoy135 - United States

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

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By fryebaby623 - United States - Vero Beach

Snap!

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By Fridaythe12th - United States

Today, I was so excited to finally use my $45 gift card to a hair salon. I walk up to the doors to find them locked and to look inside to see that the salon was not only closed but out of business. FML

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By Whyme - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

What a coinkydink

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

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By fml - United Kingdom - Haslemere

Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML

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By anonYmous - United States - Boca Raton

Today, I received a phone call from my 91-year-old grandpa. He was lost driving somewhere in my town. I then spent the next few hours trying to teach him how to send his location until his phone died. FML

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By da man - Canada

Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friends stomach. It was my Principal. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By NightHawk4926 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite; this dog was no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

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By Pedro the Basuraman

Heist

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hermiston

Today, my brother thought jumping out and punching me in the stomach would cure my hiccups. Yeah. Didn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

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By getmeoutofthiscountry - United States

Today, I agreed to lend my daughter's inflatable pool to my neighbor for the day. Barely an hour later, I witnessed his son jump off their balcony, missing the pool by inches. He's now in hospital, and my neighbor has sworn to sue me, saying I'm responsible because the pool is mine. FML

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By MeaganElizabethM - United States - Steubenville

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

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By onthemarket - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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By desertboi69 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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By sweet_stufz - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

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By see you next cunt - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By broke

Today, just like the past 2 weeks, I'm so broke that I only got to eat dinner because I went on a first date with a guy from Tinder. FML

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By misspukesalot - 14/7/2020 14:02

Two-way street

Today, at 7 months pregnant, I have come to accept the morning sickness isn’t going to ease off. It’s so severe that I don’t make my meal choices based on calories or even cravings, rather on how bad it’ll taste when it comes back up. FML

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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Top comments

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#7550843 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 14:14

At least he didn't sleep with your father, Stephen ...

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7550822 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 12:49

I'd love to hear his explanation for this.

COMMENTS

By HoboMeth | 32

#7550694 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 4:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7551193 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 3:59

I'm sorry, what? I'm all for reading between the lines but I got nothing like what you got.

Ih8teenageangst | 19

#7551411 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 15:43

YYYEEEESSSSSS! I got excited when I read this one because of the names and planning to post on it but you beat me!

By jediloader | 12

#7550699 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 5:29

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Tripartita | 44

#7550725 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 6:50

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7550744 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 8:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

bartsj1988 | 7

#7551212 - Wednesday 11 October 2017 5:14

In what way does that change the situation?

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7550822 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 12:49

I'd love to hear his explanation for this.

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#7550843 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 14:14

At least he didn't sleep with your father, Stephen ...

Fanawak | 8

#7559477 - Thursday 2 November 2017 9:39

EPIC!!

By really_dad? | 13

#7550863 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 14:41

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#7550891 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 15:29

you need better friends.

By ffc Squall | 14

#7550896 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 15:38

If you're a true Hufflepuff, you'll forgive and forget. If you're smart, you'll just forget both of them.

By LEbleuDESreves | 10

#7551129 - Tuesday 10 October 2017 23:21

a confrontation is needed ... and a cleanup too ?