Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were...

By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally alone and things were starting to get intimate. I was on top of him trying to be sexy, when in my excitement I giggled and called him a "silly girl" by accident. FML

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Intimacy

Relationships sink

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Alex Xavier - 25/6/2018 01:30

False Advertising

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

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By Vlen - 24/5/2015 02:38 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I sleep during the day because I work nights. My neighbors have a very loud wedding and reception in their backyard including a live mariachi band. FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - 9/7/2014 07:26 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By ronz - 8/2/2012 13:26

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

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By Lilie - 17/12/2008 10:25 - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

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By Username - 19/10/2010 15:24 - France

Today, my boss told me that I'd confessed my love to him last night when he'd held my hair back as I puked. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2014 17:22 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my boss bitched me out on the sales floor for a good 10 minutes, because I wasn't "smiling the right way" for our customers. FML

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By Emily - 17/9/2019 08:00

Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name

Today, I found out that my parents think my boyfriend is the devil. FML

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By PoopTart - 29/4/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2010 02:57 - United States

Today, I started a new job. I lost my work keys and had everyone running all over the building looking for them. We found them, hanging in the last lock I had used. They now all think I'm a nut. FML

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By pantless - 23/10/2016 09:31 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went to a McDonald's drive-thru in just a shirt and underwear, thinking I wouldn't be seeing anyone. I got into a car crash. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2015 13:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Warrior

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when halfway through, he leaned over to grab his cup of hot coffee off the nightstand. He then attempted to drink it and spilled most of it on me. He never stopped thrusting the whole time, and wanted to continue after. FML

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By Talvesh - 15/12/2009 11:42 - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

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By RosesAreRed - 14/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2013 19:35 - United States - Calexico

Today, I decided to turn my life around and start exercising more. I didn't even make it out the door before I tripped and fractured my ankle. FML

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By jello_bellied_snack_snapper - 23/4/2018 16:00

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

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By Rizzle - 4/10/2009 07:50 - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

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By cero_kewl - 5/3/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2009 04:08 - Canada

Today, I was feeling rebellious, I decided to procrastinate instead of studying for my really important English test tomorrow. I was having a pretty good time until I realized my idea of procrastinating was cleaning my TI-83 graphing calculator with rubbing alcohol and Q-tips. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2016 01:59 - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By bride - 27/3/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

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By ugly - 7/4/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

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By meish - 5/6/2016 13:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

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By balloonface - 18/2/2016 07:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

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By sozzy - 7/7/2012 07:26 - United States - Aliso Viejo

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response: "Still missing". FML

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By Academia - 18/8/2011 08:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

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By CapitolSouthSux - 19/9/2013 12:54 - United States

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

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By princessrose - 16/11/2016 11:05

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2019 14:00

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

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By foreverDark - 14/5/2012 12:40 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up after a long night of trying to catch a moth. I'd knocked down furniture and screamed up the house to do so, but I finally got it. What did I see first thing this morning? Another moth. FML

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By Cpt Colin - 3/1/2012 07:17 - United States

Get out of here

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

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By AmNot - 5/8/2010 04:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why girls don't have armpit hair. FML

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32714

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By Unfortunate Painter - 23/11/2012 02:56 - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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By RetailJocky - 15/8/2017 13:00

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

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By OPforonepiece - 19/2/2016 14:38 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

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Top comments

By sacrosanct2 | 23

#7461711 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:01

wat

By RichardPencil | 28

#7461715 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:11

Boner killer

Comments

By sacrosanct2 | 23

#7461711 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:01

wat

By RichardPencil | 28

#7461714 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:11

Boner killer

By RichardPencil | 28

#7461715 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:11

Boner killer

By Regulate | 21

#7461730 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:37

Ok.

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7461740 - Sunday 28 May 2017 20:48

.......

By Rainbow_Rhinos | 23

#7461868 - Monday 29 May 2017 2:00

And I'm guessing he wasn't into that...sorry man

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#7461954 - Monday 29 May 2017 7:34

you described yourself

By latenerd | 11

#7462135 - Monday 29 May 2017 15:26

Do you call your friends that sometimes? Maybe you just said it out of habit.

By Selina1407 | 11

#7462186 - Monday 29 May 2017 17:27

thats hilarious ? honestly I could see myself doing that, slip of the tounge. Its something that you probably hear a lot in movies or tv shows you know? So thats how you said it in the moment maybe? Mood ruiner but you can always laugh about it later. I'm laughing rn

By Born2Goth | 18

#7462893 - Wednesday 31 May 2017 5:54

That's really funny. I'd like to know how he responded to that.